milo2020
Active member
I'm off to the Philippines at the end of February, family visit, I went because my mom wanted company, afraid of saying no, and depressed of being here and wanted to get out of here, thinking I would be fine...I thought I could go to therapy and everything will be fine...but never went.....I just never felt ready...
But as time goes nearer....my thoughts and anxieties come closer.
Afraid of being mind blank and quiet all the time, never have anything to say, just small talk, my social awkwardness and confusion eats me inside, making me feel and look awkward.
I usually ignore it, but staring that some people give makes me anxious and even more awkward that I'm being watched and sometimes laughed at. Sometimes in the past I hear someone saying in bisaya about me even though they don't know me just for being white or appearing American. ( I can understand tagalog and bisaya-but can't seem to speak it fluently) so it feels awkward when some people are like that...
There was once my mom's neighbour, a gay guy who said something before about me, I wrote what he said to a filipino online, just to make sure...it was not nice.
I always smile and be respectful to people even when inside I'm nervous.
To me stares and laughing was usually done in school and college back here in the UK by people who were taunting or commenting about me in a bad way or tormenting. Which is probably why I find staring uncomfortable, especially blank stares.
When some people talk to me, or when I talk to them, it's like I'm going to cry, the more I suppress it, the worse it gets, and my face twitches on camera.
I like visiting historical places though and being active, going trekking into the forests etc. but during last summer here in the UK, it was very hot, and I was feeling light headed, off balance and panicky all the time, it made me tired and sweaty and easily get hungry. And feeling hungry or always having a dry mouth all the time, despite drinking lot of water makes my anxiety worse.
It's like I've developed a different kind of anxiety, that happens any time and for no reason. I taught myself to keep it under control especially the palpitations, but it can be really difficult and quite scary.
But as time goes nearer....my thoughts and anxieties come closer.
Afraid of being mind blank and quiet all the time, never have anything to say, just small talk, my social awkwardness and confusion eats me inside, making me feel and look awkward.
I usually ignore it, but staring that some people give makes me anxious and even more awkward that I'm being watched and sometimes laughed at. Sometimes in the past I hear someone saying in bisaya about me even though they don't know me just for being white or appearing American. ( I can understand tagalog and bisaya-but can't seem to speak it fluently) so it feels awkward when some people are like that...
There was once my mom's neighbour, a gay guy who said something before about me, I wrote what he said to a filipino online, just to make sure...it was not nice.
I always smile and be respectful to people even when inside I'm nervous.
To me stares and laughing was usually done in school and college back here in the UK by people who were taunting or commenting about me in a bad way or tormenting. Which is probably why I find staring uncomfortable, especially blank stares.
When some people talk to me, or when I talk to them, it's like I'm going to cry, the more I suppress it, the worse it gets, and my face twitches on camera.
I like visiting historical places though and being active, going trekking into the forests etc. but during last summer here in the UK, it was very hot, and I was feeling light headed, off balance and panicky all the time, it made me tired and sweaty and easily get hungry. And feeling hungry or always having a dry mouth all the time, despite drinking lot of water makes my anxiety worse.
It's like I've developed a different kind of anxiety, that happens any time and for no reason. I taught myself to keep it under control especially the palpitations, but it can be really difficult and quite scary.