once a loser, always a loser...

chev

Well-known member
Okay, so lately I've been getting even more discouraged with where I am in life. I feel as though I'm moving backward, whereas everyone else is moving forward. I feel as though I've majorly let myself down, because I'm not where I thought I should've been in life at this point. I was the loser in grade school and high school (invisible when I wanted to be someone, but center of attention when I was being made fun of and wanted to hide). I held on to the stupid hope that teachers would preach in the classrooms when it came to popularity...that the popular kids would no longer hold their status later in life, and the nerds/losers/outcasts would become the successful ones. I just wish that they had never said these kinds of things. It gave me a false hope. I've been out of college for a couple years now, but I still don't have a career in my field. I feel as though I've become more dumb, more ugly, and so on. People who I went to school with are getting married, having kids, landing great jobs, so I just feel so behind. I wish I would've realized that when the teachers said those kinds of things that it didn't apply to me. Yes, I was a loser, but I wasn't the super smart kind of nerd. Being the socially awkward, fearful, and ugly kid that I was, I should've figured that I was going to stay that way. Sorry to anyone reading this. I know this post is long. I just need to vent, and I'm wondering if anyone else out there has been going through this kind of let-down.
 

zharl

Well-known member
Yes. To an extent.

A lot of my friends are getting careers and getting married and such. It feels a little like they're passing me by. I don't feel it constantly, but I get these feelings every so often. And I feel as though I'm losing friends and becoming distant from other people, but that's another issue.

All I can say is good luck. Feel free to throw some luck my way too; I definitely could use some. :/
 

chev

Well-known member
Yes. To an extent.

A lot of my friends are getting careers and getting married and such. It feels a little like they're passing me by. I don't feel it constantly, but I get these feelings every so often. And I feel as though I'm losing friends and becoming distant from other people, but that's another issue.

All I can say is good luck. Feel free to throw some luck my way too; I definitely could use some. :/

thanks, sending luck back your way too. I am with you on the friends thing too. No one ever seems to want to stay in contact with me. After a while I give up on people, because I don't want to seem like a pest.
 

zharl

Well-known member
thanks, sending luck back your way too. I am with you on the friends thing too. No one ever seems to want to stay in contact with me. After a while I give up on people, because I don't want to seem like a pest.

I don't think that people don't want to stay in contact with me to be honest. Maintaining friendships is just...so much work. I can make them, but nurturing them and keeping them alive. I suck at that. If friendships were a garden, I'd have soil with a bunch of dead sprouts.
 

Odo

Banned
This whole 'underdog' narrative can really make certain people feel good, but I think it's pretty much a lie. Not everyone who is popular in high school ends up being popular later on, but social skills are extremely important in a world that revolves around networking to get what you want.

They're probably thinking of the types who build computers in their garages and have their own not-so-cool way of fitting in. In the movies they're the ones who dress weird, aren't quite as good-looking as the others, have funny voices and wear glasses... but still have a really solid group of friends that stick by them and help them to come out on top in the end. They actually apply themselves to doing things that other people might not think are 'cool'... but they still have enough confidence not to completely give up on themselves. They were probably really intelligent and respected for it, so they were never truly losers.

But these people were never the true outcasts in high school. The real outcasts tend to be overlooked when people look back on their school experience... dismissed as 'weird' or 'troubled' or something. They don't really do anything with themselves, except worry, be angry and try to kill their pain with drugs, sex, video games, escapism, etc.

Narratives like that really don't help teachers or schools deal with the problems.
 

accidentprone

Active member
Meh... There's no age for when you have to settle down. That by itself won't guarantee happiness... :p You're most likely still young so get out there more often. Same with if you're not. Find happiness by yourself and just lose yourself in a hobby/interest. :p Usually, once you find that which you love, you won't bother as much with the comparisons. It's no longer about people who don't matter at all in your life. You're not a loser just because you're not in the same place as others... That's a ridiculous way of thinking.


Yes, I was invisible in High School pretty much. I had a severe case of social anxiety so I didn't know how to interact with people. When I had the chance, I'd screw up severely. :p I did mediocre in school, just enough to get into my state uni's engineering program. In contrast with my High School peers, I feel like a failure academically and socially... I get scared bumping into them because I see them all happy. -Sighs- It's okay.. I've learned to just keep to myself and find my own interests... Comparing myself to them won't do me any good. Just an observation - I'm, again, happiest when I engage in my interests, so I suggest you keep looking and learn about yourself.
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
I think we tend to watch others and feel envy not necessarily because we want the exact same things (a wife and kids, etc), but rather because we see them having enough emotional stability to achieve things they sought to achieve. My suggestion would be for you to take a solid look at your core values (what you stand for in the field of family, friendship, human relations, work, your relationship with the world and yourself), and act upon those values every day. The more in tune you are with those values, and the more you act upon them with discipline and consistency, the more fulfilled you will feel, and the closer you will get to any goals that are connected with those values.
 

State_Of_Trance

Well-known member
This whole 'underdog' narrative can really make certain people feel good, but I think it's pretty much a lie. Not everyone who is popular in high school ends up being popular later on, but social skills are extremely important in a world that revolves around networking to get what you want.

[...]

Narratives like that really don't help teachers or schools deal with the problems.

I don't post too much, but I want echo this and then add a little. As someone who's really into various forms of escapism I think a lot about the relationship between the audience and these works. While I maintain that a lot of what's labelled escapism in derogatory sense actually has merits, some escapism tropes definitely give us harmful ideas and the glorification of the underdog can have negative effects.

Underdog idealization is a kind of wish fulfillment, I guess. Nearly everyone, even the "cool" kids, has insecurities and flaws. As a result, nearly everyone can see some of themselves in underdogs. Take me for example. I won't get specific, but I do have good traits. Despite those traits, I'm super negative inwardly. Thus, I manage to see myself as an underdog even though, in a lot of ways, I'm not really one. But whether we'er outwardly "cool" or visible lame, the wish fulfillment comes in to play in that we all want to get over what's holding back. This is what all underdogs are able to do by the end of the story.

There is a positive side to our love of underdog stories, however. These stories can be inspirational. They put the idea into your mind that "Hey, maybe I can improve."

So when is this underdog business good and when is it bad? I think it's a question of how you react to them. If you say, "Hey, I can improve. I'll go out and actually make an effort," then it can be a good thing. If, however, you say, "Just you bullies wait! Nobody likes me, so, logically, I'll be really successful later in life! Magically!!!!"

TL;DR: These stories are great when they're just a psychological aid. They're problematic when they trick you into thinking that being an underdog always makes you win.

Addendum: For what it's worth, underdog idealization has become so common that it's now being demolished even in fiction. In The Social Network, for example, Zuckerburg rises to fame and wealth but ruins his friendships with others and can't really connect with anyone.
 

Goblinko

Active member
Honestly I can relate with you.

I only heard good things about some (at least one) of my former classmates, who were considered "troublemakers" at school and had the worst grades possible. However, they were very extrovert and were very good at physical sports (mostly soccer). I even met one of them while going to the shopping once with his girlfriend.

As for me ? Well, I always looked for the best grades and be the most behaved among my classmates, always wanting to please my teachers.

The results ? Self-esteem issues, S.A., still clueless about which career should I seek and three failed attempts to have a girlfriend. Yay for virginity. *sighs* smh

So yeah, these kind of stories where the underdog wins at end are really good as motivational stories, as well as those "superation stories" based in real life stories we watch on TV or online. But nothing awesome as this will happen in our lives until we change our words into attitudes.

Thing is, the first steps are always the most hard to do.

Anyway, I also want to thank some of the advice here.
 

breath007

New member
While I don’t really agree with that “once a loser always a loser,”I've never realized it.
I thought the only way to make friends and please people was to do and be everything they wanted us to. I shape my personality on that of those I want to be friends with.
 

Catalyst

Well-known member
I'm in the same position. College has been hell. By far the worst time period of my life. I held out all those years, foolishly thinking things would get better. People used to tell me the same thing... that the outcasts would be successful and the popular kids would fade away. Just one of the many cruel lies society tells us.
 

chev

Well-known member
Thanks for all the advice, everyone. I really appreciate it. I know I do need to stop comparing myself, but I've done it all my life. I even compare myself to the person I used to be or was supposed to be. It's just a difficult habit to break. I do feel that I'd be slightly better off if I didn't have SA. I do need to remind myself, like many of you have said, that I can still achieve success in the future. Just because I haven't now, doesn't mean I can't ever. I need better self-confidence. I give up more easily than I used to, because I already tell myself I'm not enough. Back in school, I tried really hard to get good grades. I realized later on that my good grades were just because of this, and they didn't have much to do with intelligence. I too often tell myself that I'm dumb, I'm even more dumb now, and that is why I haven't gotten anywhere. I had tried really hard for a while to get a better job, but all the rejections just put me in a pit of even lower self-esteem. Eventually, I just gave up on myself and concluded that I had no skills and such. I'm trying to remind myself, though, that there are things that used to terrify me that I thought I could never do, that now I'm comfortable with. It takes more time to do certain things, when suffering with anxiety, but they still can be done.
 

williamreinsch

Well-known member
The only words I could offer to you are that it's better to be an outcast in the end. The outcasts are the ones who end up changing the world and tend to be more open minded. The only way I get through dealing with being a loser outcast is to understand it as much as i can (by my own initiative). And in the end it turns out it's the ones making you feel like shit that are the lost ones. It's their problem not yours :) eventually you might be proud to be different. The true losers are probably gonna be the ones who call others that word.
 

RegalSin

Well-known member
Listen life is not about money. It is about being happy. If you admit that your not a good student then go find something else to do. You want to get married through money then dedicate your life to money.

I mean great you have people who do only one or two things. Have babies and pay bills. Some of those people own houses while others do not. The issue with love is that you want somebody to get along with and not be about money.

Like recently I met this girl and she said "she needs money" but then I remember this other girl who was into me but I never got her number. Life is like that. You need to know your playground and the people inside of it.

In general I will admit this most people do not meet people they can get along with because of the evil of money. That is why parents work hard so there kids could get will not have to think about issues.

In my life I have family who tossed there children out of there lives. Thinking garbage not realizing how devistating it is really. I had a decent life and that is because of the smallest moments I had, but I should have had these moments more often, but I am thankful for those times.

Even the times when I was brave and that is the problem, you need to realize the higher the corperate ladder the more money driven people ( evil people ) you will encounter. You might even encounter yourself.

Also OP A career is really a low-paying job that brings you joy. Keep that in mind. It is not a job. A job is a job is a job is a job. That is what a job is. However I push myself for my career even if it brings selfless joy to people. If I work hard enough I should be able to win.

When I do, I could claim that hoar, that mail-order bride, that baby-doll, that whatever and live that clean life. Other men get caught between a pair of legs and call it victory.
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If your a woman, being interactive is also important, because some men just give up completely on casual sex or romance. You gotta give them a little nudge, or pinch, or something. That is how the world is.

Again honestly OP, get over yourself, do a work out, and start interacting with people, and taking chances. That person of your dreams, ( or just a fling ) might be around the corner. I am not to judge anybody but you need to interact with people, even if they do not want to, or if they are bias towards you.

It is like the old saying "how many licks does it takes to get to the center?"

Seriously get over yourself and fight fight fight.......keep moving forward is what I say. I haven't tried something then try again. Try and try again until you have achieved. Do not mope like a puppy calling out to play, be a hound and go for it.

Your issue is like many peoples issue. You need to get away from whatever is negative in your life. Experience the world, and stop crying about it.

However in my opinion, do not be too full of yourself. Never be full of yourself.
 

defiance

Well-known member
I personally can't shake this feeling myself. I am such a let down i don't even know why i continue. anxiety and depression so bad that I can't work I can't drive I can't be social with other people really and all i think about is ending it all. I can only wish that anyone who feels like this finds hope and continues striving for better days. I wish I could but hey, at least in my case, once a loser always a loser.
 

Requiescat

Well-known member
Building your self-image on the values and estimations of others; Building your house on sand. What is it you really want? The things you listed are stereotypical criteria to measure your life and nobody really seems to know why they believe it. The question is: What do you want? Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? What is important to you? The people you listed are not as happy as you may believe. Celebrities, successful careers... what is it all for? Clearly hedonism doesn't gratify. Clearly materialism doesn't gratify. These are self-evident facts perfectly illustrated by the trail of broken lives who indulge. Popularity? Then why do the most popular people feel isolated and lonely? I think it's time for you to go back to basics and define yourself on the basis of what you want. Identify these things and take steps to make that happen. Your life, your choices, your dreams, your expectations of the fulfilment of those dreams; only you can do it. Will you take that first step? Of course, you may continue to allow society to define you. You can continue to be defined by a criteria that is imposed on you. Or you can be you.
 

S_Spartan

Well-known member
People do what they do because there is nothing else to do. We are literally stuck on a spinning rock hung in space, trying to survive, kill time, and looking for meaning that doesn't exist. That thought is both freeing and terrifying at the same time.
Really "winning" on the earth is about living to an old age in good health. Everything else is just made up to give people a sense of meaning when there really is none at all.
Human beings are funny creatures. We really are. We are living in such a precarious existence. So fragile. We don't know where we came from, we don't know where we are going but that doesn't stop people from walking around all smug with their job, bank account, and meager cars and homes, both of which would rot into the ground without constant upkeep and attention.
The thing that frightens me the most is that the average person gets what? 70 or 80 years? And most people just live these cookie cutter lives doing what they are told and carrying out some biological script.
But they don't know what else to do, and to be fair, there isn't much else to do.
 
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