One simple thing that changed my life

Looking back at my journey of overcoming social anxiety, I realize there is one simple thing that changed my life. Of course there were a lot of lifestyle changes I had to make, but this simple component really freed my mind: self talk.

We all have an almost constant stream of thought commentating on our lives. We can choose to pay attention to it, or to let it run wild in our subconscious. There are moments when our inner voice quiets - this is the goal of meditation, and there are other situations when this happens, such as during intense exercise, during an orgasm, or when we become extremely involved in an activity (some call this "being in the zone"). But it's much easier to take active control of our self talk than to quiet it.

With social anxiety, self talk is often negative and irrational, and it's the very root of the fight or flight response. When we control our self talk, essentially we control our thoughts and emotions. There are 3 components to self talk, and they're the same as when we speak aloud: content, speed, and tonality. Try reading the following sentence in your head, paying close attention to your inner voice:

"I'm reading this in my mind, listening to my inner voice. I'm practicing self talk. SickJoke is the man." (ok you can skip the part about me )

When you read it in your mind, you should be hearing your own voice. Now try reading it again, and pretend you're in slow motion, saying only 1 word in your mind per second... Awesome. Now read it like someone just cut you off at an intersection and you're really pissed off... Notice how you can control the speed and tonality.

So how is this useful in everyday life? By taking active control of our self talk, we control our thoughts through the content of our self talk. And we control our emotions through the speed and tonality of our self talk.

Let's apply self talk to a hypothetical situation. Timmy has extreme social anxiety, and he realizes he needs to buy a couple things at the grocery store.

Timmy not taking advantage of self talk:
In a slow, dreadful voice, Timmy thinks "Oh god, I have to go to the store. This is going to be ****ing awful." As he walks down the street, his thoughts are so fast that they are barely understandable, and the tonality is weak and frightened: "Um am I walking uh normally? Uh are people um staring at me? Um I hope there aren't uh a lot of um people in the store." He goes to the store and completes his trivial task, but when he gets home he's exhausted and beating himself up over what a fool he thinks he made out of himself.

Timmy taking advantage of self talk:
In a matter-of-fact, nonchalant voice, Timmy thinks "Oh yeah, gotta grab some things at the store." As he walks down the street, his thoughts are slow and clear, and the tonality is deep and relaxed: "Ah yeah what a nice day. Mmm, that's a cute girl over there . Now let's see, what do I need to buy..." He goes to the store and completes his trivial task, and when he gets home he's feeling awesome.

Remember it's not just the words, but especially the speed and tonality makes the difference. It's not just what we say in our minds, but how we say it.

So there it is, such a simple thing that changed my life. I hope it helps.

Those thoughts can be so damaging and to fight against them is the best thing you can do!!!!! That is a very positive way to overcome this I SAY IF IT WORKS KEEP DOING IT whatever you can do to help yourself i say do it!!!!

Good for you

control is the problem, not the solution

TooShyShy said:

Those thoughts can be so damaging and to fight against them is the best thing you can do!!!!! That is a very positive way to overcome this I SAY IF IT WORKS KEEP DOING IT whatever you can do to help yourself i say do it!!!!

Good for you

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Cool thanks.

powerfulthoughts said:

Yep, the self-talk in me has been so ingrained that I never consciously "thought" them, I acted them out.

On the surface, my thoughts would say one thing, and my actions would say something totally different. But the more and more I would pry at the root of my problem, I would see that I was actually living the way I was brought up to live.

One of the things that I realized is that my parents were hypervigilant about my whereabouts and my surroundings. They would contantly act as if there were danger lurking if I was out of their sight for even a minute. Thus, today I notice myself still lving like that. "Hyper-aware" and hypervigilant of my surroundings, and also of potential criticism and judgement that was also a part of my upbringing.

The root runs so deep that the solution is a complex puzzle of different parts. Each piece of self-realization helps. The more "a-ha!" moments, the better. The puzzle may never get completely filled-in, I don't know. But I believe that it can be good enough to live a healthy life.

That's why I appraciate your posts so much, because in them I do find pieces of realization that help complete the puzzle. So, thank you.

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Thank you that means a lot. I also picked up a similar "hyper-aware" tendency from my mom, and it's proving to be a gift as I learn to use it to my advantage.

sabbath9 said:

control is the problem, not the solution

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Care to elaborate?

Positive self-talk is so simple yet so fundamental to good mental (and physical) health. Good post.

Yep, self talk has been the single most effective thing for me in overcoming my SA and panic and agoraphobia. The ability to learn what I'm thinking subconsciously that's making me panic, and how to calm myself and show myself and my subconscious mind that a situation is not scary or dangerous...wow. It's the thing that gets me through!

So i agree!

So you got over social anxiety with CBT alone? how long did it take you to get over it? i did CBT for a year then i stopped doing it. good to hear that it helped you, iam happy for you bro

Erdkunde said:

Positive self-talk is so simple yet so fundamental to good mental (and physical) health. Good post.

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Definitely, thanks!

kayelle said:

Yep, self talk has been the single most effective thing for me in overcoming my SA and panic and agoraphobia. The ability to learn what I'm thinking subconsciously that's making me panic, and how to calm myself and show myself and my subconscious mind that a situation is not scary or dangerous...wow. It's the thing that gets me through!

So i agree!

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That's awesome, congratulations on your success!

j_brown2 said:

So you got over social anxiety with CBT alone? how long did it take you to get over it? i did CBT for a year then i stopped doing it. good to hear that it helped you, iam happy for you bro

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Thanks! I never had official therapy, but I did listen to a CBT audio series. I also did a boatload of research into other fields, because there's plenty of spare time with social anxiety.

This concept I actually didn't learn from CBT. CBT mainly focused on noticing negative self talk and using distractions and positive affirmations. But actively taking control of self talk, especially the tonality and speed, makes a huge difference in the moment.

Great post. I've always thought my inner thoughts had a huge impact on my anxiety, and I have tried similar exercises based on my own observations, but you have confirmed my suspicions and I'm going to think like this tonight at work. I have it pretty bad though, so I'm not expecting a cure here. Currently, my self talk is along the lines of this (in this example I'm in my car at a red light):

"I hate red lights. All these ****ers are starring at me into my car. They probably think 'look at that skinny freak over in that car.' Is this asshole in front of me looking at me in his-rear view mirror? What the **** is he starring at?? I'm not gonna turn my head, or they will think I'm starring at them, but I think there's a few people in the car next to me who are starring at me."

So yeah, I'm pretty negative and call everyone bad names in my mind. I have a lot of hate towards strangers. It's going to be difficult, but I will give this method a shot.

PJS said:

Great post. I've always thought my inner thoughts had a huge impact on my anxiety, and I have tried similar exercises based on my own observations, but you have confirmed my suspicions and I'm going to think like this tonight at work. I have it pretty bad though, so I'm not expecting a cure here. Currently, my self talk is along the lines of this (in this example I'm in my car at a red light):

"I hate red lights. All these ****ers are starring at me into my car. They probably think 'look at that skinny freak over in that car.' Is this asshole in front of me looking at me in his-rear view mirror? What the **** is he starring at?? I'm not gonna turn my head, or they will think I'm starring at them, but I think there's a few people in the car next to me who are starring at me."

So yeah, I'm pretty negative and call everyone bad names in my mind. I have a lot of hate towards strangers. It's going to be difficult, but I will give this method a shot.

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Hey thanks man I hope it helps. And I can relate to your red light self talk, it gave me a good laugh It's easy to be cynical about strangers, because most people just walk through life in a mind-numbing trance. I still catch myself getting pissed at people sometimes, but then I remember that everyone's doing the best they can with the knowledge and tools they have. So thanks again and I hope you get good results using it.

No wonder i'm always exhasted and hungry whether it be at school or with friends. I used to think that im just not a afternoon person. But, i get it now, it's because i think to much.

I think this well deserves a *bumpity bump bump*!

Good advice on here!

(thx hoddesdon)