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Old 01-17-2012
Aletheia's Avatar
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After my breakdown I spent 18 months at an inpatient facility which tore down all my many defenses and tried to relay the foundations of my psyche. With mixed success.

Perhaps the most important lesson for me came about in a circuitous manner. The staff were constantly telling me to "stop acting" and it took me the better part of a year to figure out what they meant, which was that I was constantly trying to be whatever I thought the people around me wanting me to be, rather than being myself. This realization led to panic: what was I supposed to be, if not what others wanted? If I dropped the act, what would be left behind the mask?

I was lost until one of my fellow patients said, "I know who you are Kate, you like coffee." Yeah, it really is that simple. Tune into your natural responses and all else follows, not a painted simulacrum, but life itself.
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Old 01-17-2012
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Trying to be what others want you to be can rid your own identity, and, as you know, it can take a little while before you can find out who you are. You are Kate and you like coffee...it's not much, but it's a start. I'm glad you're starting to get into your own skin again.

Also Kate is a cute name.
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Old 01-17-2012
 

Correct. You can't reject yourself since that's all you really have besides family and friends. You can be no other self except your "true self" and there's no need to be anyone else but. You've moved forward a bit.
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Old 01-17-2012
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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
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Old 01-17-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeyC View Post
I'm glad you're starting to get into your own skin again.
You have to feel your way in.
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Old 01-17-2012
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It sounds like you've had some sort of epiphany, Aletheia.
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Old 01-17-2012
Aletheia's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeyC View Post
It sounds like you've had some sort of epiphany, Aletheia.
*laughs*

Oh no, this is old old stuff.

Seems I have to keep relearning it.
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Old 01-17-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aletheia View Post
*laughs*

Oh no, this is old old stuff.

Seems I have to keep relearning it.
There's nothing wrong with that. If you're true to yourself, that's all you can really ask from yourself, and you'll feel a lot happier. Obviously, with friendship, it's a bit of give-and-take, but you still need to be true to yourself.

Keep relearning if you have to!
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Old 03-07-2012
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aletheia View Post
Perhaps the most important lesson for me came about in a circuitous manner. The staff were constantly telling me to "stop acting" and it took me the better part of a year to figure out what they meant, which was that I was constantly trying to be whatever I thought the people around me wanting me to be, rather than being myself. This realization led to panic: what was I supposed to be, if not what others wanted? .
I can really relate to this. With talkative personalities in particular, I tend to take a very co operative, submissive role, trying to be the ideal empathic listener. This is OK for a while but eventually exhausting and I forget my own needs and who I am. Afraid of saying something like " Look I just have to finish this task now I'm afraid." On the one hand thinking I am 'serving humanity' and on the other, losing my sense of self. Can be a difficult balance.
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Old 03-07-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aletheia View Post
I was lost until one of my fellow patients said, "I know who you are Kate, you like coffee." Yeah, it really is that simple. Tune into your natural responses and all else follows, not a painted simulacrum, but life itself.
I'm glad you found your way home
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Old 03-08-2012
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I wish it was that simple.

I read that yesterday, and all I could think of were negative. I'm not this and I'm not that.

The journey continues....
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Old 03-17-2012
 

Did you watch that movie with Julia Robererts, Runaway Bride or whatsitcalled?

This made me think of it.

I can relate to some of this - have oftened showed myself in different lights to different people too, I try to stay authentic too... It's more like 'different facets of a diamond' - I'm really interested in soo many things that every person/theme/conversation (when meaningful) is like a magical exploration of new discoveries...

It was surprising to me that (some) people seemed to like me even when I was cranky or feeling down (or in 'bitchy mode' too hehe) etc. Maybe these are the realizations waiting for you too
A friend needed A LOT of persuading to come to uni without mascara/make-up...
Sometimes being authentic is difficult, it can also be worth it...
(You need to know with which people though, with some it can be better to remain 'superficial, at least that was my experience...)
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Old 03-17-2012
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Originally Posted by Feathers View Post
It was surprising to me that (some) people seemed to like me even when I was cranky or feeling down (or in 'bitchy mode' too hehe) etc.
Those people can see what you're actually like, so that's probably the difference.
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