Please help, I'm desperate. Have been contemplating suicide

I dont know what to do anymore. This might be a long post. I am 15 and am in 10th grade. I am on Lexapro but it dosnt seem to help. I think I have depression and severe SA.

At school, during my free periods and lunch period, I do not go to the lunch room. Ever. I am to embarrassed. Instead I go to the math lab to do my homework or if I dont have any, I go up to a hallway that is almost never used and just sit until the period is over.

My parents, other adults and even some other girls have told me I am really good looking, but I never think so. Whenever I go on forums that are primarily made up of people around my age, even geek computer forums, I see everybody causally talking about their GF and all the fun they have as if it is easy to get one and it's normal and everybody should have one, etc...

It makes me have suicidal thoughts. I want a girlfriend so badly and when I see everybody easily getting one and talking causally about it, it drives me nuts because I have this image and thought in my mind that I will never get a girl and I will die a virgin. (hell, even a friend thats a girl, hell a FRIEND). There is a girl at my school that I think might like me, she always says hi to me when we pass in the hallway and has even talked to me about how she got braces and asked if I had any suggestions for the pain.

But I dont know how to talk to girls. I feel they are judging my every move, and looking at me in disgust. Thats how I feel about everybody, really. When ever I make eye contact with another girl they almost always will look away, and I have read that means they like you but I doubt that and I think it means they are appalled that somebody like me would have the nerve to look in their general direction.

To make matters worse, there are a number of people who think I'm gay because I hardly ever say anything.

I have so many problems this post dosnt even convey a fraction of them, I will add more in replies. Please I need help I dont know what to do anymore and I often try to think of what would be the quickest and most painless way to kill myself.

First of all, whatever you do, do NOT kill yourself. Things will get better (everybody told me that and I never believed them).


My advice is easier said than done, but it might help.

You need to understand that your thoughts are not reality based. If someone talks to you or says hi to you more than once, then you should make an effort to talk to them, and if that means thinking about exactly what you are going to say, writing it down and praticing it alone at home infront of a mirror, then do it. If you feel rejected, ignore it (I know you can't but don't stop interacting with the person). Don't stop talking to them until they clearly and verbally reject you to your face. This applies especially to girls who might be interested in you. Keep trying to make a conversation with them, and plan what you say if you have to.

Its easier to meet people if you put yourself into situations where you can meet people. From there people still might not talk to you, but eventully someone will ask you why you are so quiet, and then you can just tell them its difficult for you to talk to people.

Lastly, its not that easy to get a girlfriend. A girlfriend could make this better or worse or not affect them, depending on the girl.

Warlock said:

First of all, whatever you do, do NOT *****. Things will get better (everybody told me that and I never believed them).


My advice is easier said than done, but it might help.

You need to understand that your thoughts are not reality based. If someone talks to you or says hi to you more than once, then you should make an effort to talk to them, and if that means thinking about exactly what you are going to say, writing it down and praticing it alone at home infront of a mirror, then do it. If you feel rejected, ignore it (I know you can't but don't stop interacting with the person). Don't stop talking to them until they clearly and verbally reject you to your face. This applies especially to girls who might be interested in you. Keep trying to make a conversation with them, and plan what you say if you have to.

Its easier to meet people if you put yourself into situations where you can meet people. From there people still might not talk to you, but eventully someone will ask you why you are so quiet, and then you can just tell them its difficult for you to talk to people.

Lastly, its not that easy to get a girlfriend. A girlfriend could make this better or worse or not affect them, depending on the girl.

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I know that they are not reality based but it's like impossible for me to act on that.

Whenever we have to partner up in class and there is an odd number of people I am almost always the one to be left out. i think it is because nobody likes me.

And I have no idea what to say to people, if I am standing by someone or sit next to somebody in class (especially a girl) I try to avoid turning in their direction and I ignore them. I know this is bad and gives a bad impression but I dont know what else to do. And when I have to talk and I am very nervous my movements become shakey and my voice might crack and stutter.

I hate being like this, it's almost worse than being dead (sometimes I feel like it is worse)

cutefluffykitten said:

Dont feel your not worthy to have a meal for lunch
Everyone has to eat
Please
I feel for you cause ive been there
Love
Nadine

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I dont know where to sit. I dont know anybody and I hate to think what somebody might think if I randomly decide to sit with them. And sitting alone is almost worse than sitting with somebody you don't know.

Hello lad this as you can see is my first post also I was going to vent myself but seeing that title changed my mind to reply to your's.

Im a male in my early 30's and also suffer from extreme SA/Shyness ive also thought the same way you do however i must try not to let this damn shyness defeat me its very tough though and im a bit squemish about the whole suicide thing though many days go by when i contemplate it and the easist way to do it all this over SA/Shyness incredible isint it if only people had any idea.

I think you are to young to contemplate this as this condition can very often dissapate with age and people learn to excercise more control over their emotion's and understand them better also with age you tend to realise that people are not more important than you and that things in general are not as big a deal.

You must be aware that the suicide age group is in your zone through to 24 for good reason and this is that you are more prone to have new experiences and also people of your own age can often be to immature to speak openly with and are all too busy trying to look cool rather than be themselves. The girls thing yes that is a lot of pressure that targets young people particularly not mainly because they have one but more rather what will other people think if i dont have one!

I think i know how you feel on this as i am not ugly enough (which you would think is good?) to justify being single so my friends and family are always asking any girl friend? remember im in my 30's not 15 and when i say nope yet again they will wonder if your gay and generally give a dissaproving look, to my humiliation my mother even asked sigh.

Some suspect im a little shy though i can converse well and this hides the fact, some think im strange due to my uncharacteristic behaviour that is brought on by SA but they dont realise just how bad it is and how much fear and discomfort it is causing if someone hints that im gay i get very embarresed not because i am but because i know if i blush they will think i am so therefore i blush maan how bad is that. If i blush the people in the group will notice and tease so i avoid all situations where this is likely and try to disembark from conversations when i feel the anxiety gets too much and then people just think im strange not realising how shy i really am. for me to eat in a canteen is the worst nightmare or anywhere where people have a straight view of my face which makes dinner dates with past girlfriends a nightmare i should be enjoying dinner dates but for me i rather be in the dentists offive that enjoying a meal with my Xgirlfriend.

Its exhausting and may make you wonder if every day is filled with discomort, fear and anxiety what indeed is the point? But hey there are many people here with the same problems and can give advice and its a place to vent I myself didnt realise that anyone else's problems were as extreme as mine but hey in a kinda bad way its reassuring to know that this is the case. I hate to hear of anyone with SA as bad as mine because i know how it feels and would not wish it on anyone. But hey You feel bad mate dont keep it to your self let the people here know as they say your not alone...

i can relate in some things. Girls tell me that im good looking and i have many friends that are female, i dont find it that hard 2 talk 2 them, im not a virgin, and ive had some girlfriends, but they were more like "friends with priviledges", and its do 2 the fact that i have really really bad anxiety when it comes to being serious with a girl, and this is why i dont take my time on really knowing a person and fall in love with someone, and this is what gets me sooooo depressed, bcuz i know i have what it takes, but i just have this fucking desease that makes me sooo miserable. Ive met really really nice, good hearted, and wonderful women, that really liked me, and it makes me soooo sad that i cant even open myself to them, so we can both know eachother, i cant go to restaurants, the theater, and many places where i can go on a date with them, and have a chat about ourselves, this really really sucks, i dont know what would havent in the future, but im almost(if not) 100% sure that i wont get married, and have a nice family and its bcuz i know im not a man that any women can bepend on, ohh well, this is my life, fuck it

PLEASE! Do not even think about doing something that drastic! Believe me, things will improve as you get older. Maybe you won't get completely rid of your social anxiety, but as years go by you learn to live with it and you can even experience happiness.

I was right were you are now at the age of 18 where I suffered a major depression due to my social anxiety. It was so hard and I could only see black black and nothing but black! And I was like you tempted to commit suicide, at least I prayed for a deadly disease because I did not see any way out. Well, it took me some months, but then it gradually started to become better.

And now, many years later, I think back on those horrible days, and I am so thankful that I decided to fight in stead of letting it all go. Yes, you might suffer a little while, but at the end it will be worth it.

I still have SP although my condition has improved, but I can tell you that I do not suffer like I did. I can honestly tell you that I am a happy person. And I really feel that God has helped me to think and stay positive. I have learnt not to obsess about it everytime I feel I make a fool out of myself. I have learnt not to take myself so seriously and I even find myself laughing at myself where I before just wanted to sink down beneath China. :lol:

I am not the only one who have escaped this hell that depression is, we are many and you can become a part of the team as well, if you just decide to FIGHT and not to give up! You have a support team here, we understand what you are going through and we are willing to help and support eachother.

I will keep you in my prayers and sometime soon I hope that nick of yours will sound a little different!!! :wink:

your still only 15 so all this talk of finding a girl...you have so much time for this to happen...it seems like this is the root of your reasoning that causes your depression, trust me, there are people alot older who struggle with girls and relationships...just try to enjoy your younger years....stay positive...thats all I can say...dont do anything drastic

dont make getting the girl your number one priority!...because there is more to life then that....try to focus on being comfortable with yourself first, also you said that some girls told you were good looking...."woah" thats great...if only that happened to all of us..so basically you have alot going for you

It's not all about the girls for me, I was using that as an example. It's being an all around recluse. I am to afraid to put myself in any social situation. I can not go in the lunch room, instead I sit in a pretty much abandoned upper hallway until the period is over. Same for free periods if I dont have homework. I have no real friends. The only thing keeping me going is my computer and audiophile equipment. But it is starting to not be enough any more. I want friends, and yes, if possible a girlfriend.

Today in one of my classes we had to partner up for an assignment, I read one half of a long article and the partner read the other half (both in advance) and we had taken notes. With our partner we were susposed to share eachothers notes.

Well it just so happens in that class there is this girl who is quite literally, in my eyes, genetically perfect (and not in a sluty/make up-y way, just naturally). I think she is also on the shy side. Now it just so happens there is really nobody she knows or is friends with in that class, same for me, so I walked up and asked her if she wanted to be my partner.

To my great surprise, she accepted and with no sign of unhappiness that I could detect. Additionally, she even seemed on the enthusiastic side when we were working together (joked about something in the article, etc...).

To my great pleasure, the period ended when we were only about half way done with the assignment, so I suspect we will be finishing on monday.

To sum things up, she is the most naturally hot girl I have ever seen, and on monday I want to be able to say more than just what is required for the assignment to her. But I have no idea what I should say, and would be very embarrassed and depressed to say the wrong thing and sound or act awkward. This is the only class I have with her and I am not sure if she is in my lunch period -- I have never been to the lunch room this year.

Do you think I should say something to her? If so, what and when?

Also, just to add in, homecoming is coming up, and it would basicly be like living in a surreal dream if I somehow was able to go with her. The past homecomings I have just skipped and stayed home, same for the winter formal.

There is so much wrong with me and I hate myself for it. Telling me to love myself and it will be better makes me feel worse, how in the name of god do I turn around and "love myself"?? I can say it, I can think it, but it dosnt change anything.

What do I do?

EDIT:
Remember when I said that when I see everybody talking about their GF, and talking about dating and stuff that it really makes me feel like shit and sometimes it really even makes me have suicidal thoughts? Well, if you would like an example of the type of post/thread that does this to me, look here:
http://www6.head-fi.org/forums/showthread.php?t=195483

This one makes me feel particularly awful, for reasons I'm sure you're aware of. I feel like there is no hope for me, and my life is just a downward spiral of misery that will never improve. True or not, it is very real to me. Sure you say I'm 15 now, but I can see 20 coming and going, then 25, and 30, and 35... You get the picture.

EDIT2:
I plan on posting this in the thread I linked to:

Well it just so happens in that class there is this girl who is quite literally, in my eyes, genetically perfect (and not in a sluty/make up-y way, just naturally). I think she is also on the shy side. Now it just so happens there is really nobody she knows or is friends with in that class, same for me, so I walked up and asked her if she wanted to be my partner for an assignment we were doing.

To my great surprise, she accepted and with no sign of unhappiness that I could detect. Additionally, she even seemed on the enthusiastic side when we were working together (joked about something in the article, etc...).

To my great pleasure, the period ended when we were only about half way done with the assignment, so I suspect we will be finishing on monday.

To sum things up, she is the most naturally hot girl I have ever seen, and on monday I want to be able to say more than just what is required for the assignment to her. But I have no idea what I should say, and would be very embarrassed and depressed to say the wrong thing and sound or act awkward. This is the only class I have with her.
Do you think I should say something to her? If so, what and when?

Also, just to add in, homecoming is coming up, and it would basicly be like living in a surreal dream if I somehow was able to go with her. But I just can't see myself asking her, I have known (as in, knowing her name) for a while, but we are really just acquaintances. What should I do? I am extremley shy myself.

Sorry for the thread hijack btw.

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I would like to see the kind of advice I get, although in reality I know I probably will never have what it takes to ask, no matter what I am told.

Don't rush things with her and always play on the safe side. Don't go telling her "I think I like you" as soon as you see her because that might push her away. Be more talkative, even if shy. Some girls like shy guys instead of the typical full-of-confidence 'stud'. Always be honest and never stop being yourself; and try looking in her eyes and see what they "tell you" about how she feels. Ask about what she likes, mix it with what you like and try finding things you have in common (point it out to her). Have a few laughs, don't be too serious and just play along with what she likes/dislikes and everything.

Do that for a few days and find out how much she likes being with you after the assignment is done. Try not being too much of a 'stalker' too (give her some space and all). You'll have to start conversations outside the assignment period and see if she does the same (it's how you get to know how much she really is interested in what you have to offer). If she does like being with you and starts showing it, finally ask her if she wants to go to the movies or something (not just a random movie - it must be a movie that stands in the "what she likes" category and she'll have fun for sure). Buy her some popcorn and whatnot, etc.

I'm going a little too far already, so good luck.

Oh, and if you two do get along, try inviting her to the homecoming. Really, what do you have to lose? You're already in a rut. Just make sure she doesn't think you've been approaching her just to get her to go with you and go "thanks a lot, and I'll see ya next year". Really get to know her and enjoy her presence.

Wow, I'm making myself look like a ladies man, but I'm really not -.-

See, the problem is, right here, at home sitting at my computer, that all sounds like it just MIGHT be in the realm of feasibility, and I can even practice it in my mind and gain a small amount of confidence, but as soon as I step foot into the school, it's like a plug has just been pulled, and the very little self esteem and/or confidence that I had been just barely able to muster up is all drained off.

And it discourages me so much. It like a never ending chain reaction.

Each time I become more and more discouraged.

I just dont know how to deal with it

Well, being able or not, you DO have to work on that assignment with her, right? Make the most of it. Practice your 'speech' in front of a mirror, always be yourself and make her talk first, so you can have something to talk about. You'll gain confidence in the process. Use the assignment itself as a subject of discussion and go from there!

There is help and hope for you. I was 16 when I experienced my first panic attack. In 1976 - when this happened to me - no one talked about panic attacks, and there was no treatment for them. I began having them any time I was called on to read in history class. I would hyperventilate and could look down and see my heart pounding through my sweater. My voice was shaky and breathless as I had to gasp for air in order to read. I had been an A and B student and this hit me out of the blue. This spread to other classes and eventually I dropped out of college after two years. I got to where I could not answer "here" when roll was called. I went through several dead end jobs...and married a dead end kind of husband...someone who wouldn't expect anything out of me socially but someone who wasn't always good to me...we are divorced now. My life was turned around with Zoloft. I have taken it for 11 years and take 100 mg per day. I am still shy by nature - and I am still myself - but I no longer panic and I am able to have fun and relax with others. I would suggest if your medicine isn't helping, to try another type of medicine and I myself would recommend Zoloft as it totally made me (mostly!) normal again. I am 47 years old now. Be thankful you live in a time where there is help available. Also I want to tell you not to ever, ever think to take your own life. This is totally devastating to those left behind!! Think of your mom's face or dad's face when they would find you. Don't do this to them. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All the best !!!!! Also, i have resumed some college classes - and still feel a little on the panicky side there - but as I sit for a while I get more relaxed - I think this is just an old reflex. I am a mom and I work full time as a legal secretary. My goal is to get my 4 year college degree - by age 60 THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!!!!ALWAYS!!!

If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to see and tell a doctor about it NOW. Good luck.

hey man.. instant message me.. over AOL instant messanger at..

Just1704

I want to talk to you..

Peace.

Justin

I dont have AIM, can I email you? Thats Just1704 [at] aol.com right?

So you know my address will be martinblank64 [at] comcast.net

Please don't take your own life, things really do get better.

Highschool is very tough for people with SA, we know your pain. Do you like any sports or after school clubs? Maybe you could try to join a class outside of school - it's a good start to meet new people. It would be fairly easy to start up a conversation because you already know that you have something in common.

Something that you should think about is that most kids in highschool are insecure to some degree (everyone wants to be/look cool and perfect right?). Do you walk around school making snap judgments of people based on what they look like? There are not many people who do that (and the ones that do are shallow idiots anyways, so who needs them). You need to stop the automatic negative thinking everytime something happens, stop beating yourself up. They say positive thinking is a VERY powerful thing, we should try it together. What was it that Stuart Smalley always said? "I"m good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it people like me!" (from SNL)

When it comes to girls and talking to them you really need to stop over-thinking and over-analysing because it will only make you more anxious and nervous. You are turning an ant hill into a mountain. It isn't the end of the world if you don't have a girlfriend (I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 20). Why don't you ask that girl in your class what else she is taking, or try a joke about a teacher/principal that you both know (nothing offensive of course :wink: ). Do you have a favourite tv show or recent movie that you could talk about? Something like 'did you see the last ep of mind freak?' etc (by the way that show is freakin cool!! he's like David Blaine but a million times better). If she made a good point/comment on something in class or on the article then tell her, etc. Focus on what you have in common instead of what you don't.

BUT, the most important thing here is this: you have talked to her already! That is positive! You should be proud of the progress you have made. I bet 2 weeks ago you would never have thought in a million years that you would be talking to her - but you did! That's wonderful news!!!

Sacrament has some great advice - follow that stuff, you don't want to scare her away. Take baby steps. You don't want to jump in the pool head first, just start off by dipping your feet in the water.

and I think Joni38 is right too, you should go to your doctor and try a different medication. Why continue to take what you are now if you see no results? Get something that works for sure!

It seems to me like you are a smart guy, and like most guys your age, you have similar sort of problems to them aswell.

You however feel that you are an all round recluse so this makes all your other problems magnified a thousand times. Why doesn't anyone like me? Why can't i just go to the lunchroom and enjoy it? If others tell me i am good looking, why dont i feel confident about it?

I am guessing that you spend most of your time alone 'in your head' or in chat rooms. Man, you are looking for answers, questioning constantly about your self and why things are the way they are, sound familiar?

Because you spend a lot of time thinking alone you feel bad most of the time at school. So, you need to remember what is most beneficial to think about when you are on your own. What makes you feel bad? Thoughts of being judged by others. What overcomes this? Not being dependent on what others think about you.

So, if you remember this short paragraph, realise it in your heart, all girls will treat you differently, why? Because inner confidence is what everyone wants, its attractive, sexy as hell. You want girls, but you want confidence more, much more. You want to be unaffraid much more.

Try this:

"What other people think of me is what they see. Their thoughts do not cause my happiness from inside, their thoughts are powerless in my mind and cannot harm me. What i think causes me happiness or pain, so from now on i will cease to think bad about my self and be ultimately confident"

We usually judge our self on what others actually think about us or what we think others think about us.

This only harms us and destroys our confidence if we forget that happiness comes from what we think about our self, not what someone else thinks.

So be organised in your thinking, remember this paragraph, cut out all other thoughts when alone and you will change, i guarantee it. Try it, see for yourself.

Good luck, we are all with you.

Jack

Well it's happening again.

I am starting to have second thoughts about being able to ask her to homecoming, or even just try and slowly ease in. It is in the back of my mind that no matter how much I want to, I am not going to end up taking this girl to the homecoming or for that matter have any more contact with here other than the assignment.

This is why I hate myself. I am weak. I have no balls. I just want to be able to do it!!! :evil: :x