Please help proofread my grad school essay :)

lilmutegirl

Well-known member
I am applying for a Master of Library Science, and have to submit a Statement of Objectives. I'm too embarrassed to have anyone I know read it in person, but thought maybe I could get some objective feedback on here. I appreciate anyone who provides any help. If you choose to take the time to read it, please make sure that I actually fulfill the requirements-I am concerned I may not have fully done that. Thanks! :)
The description of the Statement of Objectives is:
"A statement of objectives focuses on how your experiences have shaped your professional and academic goals. You may choose to discuss why you hope to enter a master of library science program, what your current career objectives are, and what you hope to take away from your relationship with the University's School of Library and Information Management."

Statement of Objectives
Customer service is one of the most important things in my professional life. With a background in retail, I was taught that the customer’s needs were the number one priority. Without people purchasing products or utilizing services, both retail and libraries would cease to fulfill their purpose. However, retail focuses on selling a product, and the more a customer buys, the better for the business. Libraries are more concerned with the exchange of information, and ensuring that patrons receive what they need. Quantity is not as important as quality. If a person finds one book that has all the pertinent information he or she is looking for, that would be considered a success, whereas in retail, employees are encouraged to attempt to get customers to buy more than they need. I enjoy seeing people able to find what they are looking for, without pressuring them.
Technology has changed how patrons interact with the library, but there will always need to be a human component. Even though there are several functions of the library that have become self-service for patrons, such as placing holds, checking out, renewing materials, and paying fines, many patrons want to be able to talk to a person on the phone or face-to-face. Patrons of neighborhood libraries develop relationships with the staff and take every opportunity to interact with them.
I currently work at two branch locations: Gardner and Edgerton. Gardner is a growing community full of families of young patrons. Edgerton is a very small community, and the physicality of the library reflects this: the building has limited space, and is often full of materials, most of which is transferred in from other library branches by the citizens of Edgerton. Working at Edgerton once a week, I have gotten to know the regular patrons, not only their names, but their preferences, and life experiences. I like feeling like a part of the community, and that citizens feel comfortable at the library and with me. Even though Gardner is a bigger branch with more patrons, the regulars are familiar to me.
I have enjoyed working at the library and the experiences that I have had there. I feel that I have learned a lot about relating to people and customer service. I am sure that with continued experience, I will gain more knowledge about the library, but I would like to supplement the experience with education, which is why I am applying to the MLS program. I want to be able to apply the principles I learn in school directly to my work experience. I feel that working and going to school will go hand-in-hand to help me reach my professional goal of becoming a librarian who is able to help the general public reach their own goals, everything from finding a certain book to applying for their dream job online.
I am hoping to obtain a Master of Library Science in conjunction with working at a library, to further my career. I currently work as a circulation clerk, and enjoy working with patrons and their accounts in this role, but am interested in exploring other career options within the library system. I think that a Master’s Degree will help facilitate opportunities for advancement and networking, both within the library system I already work in, as well as meeting other people from area library systems and sharing in the wisdom and expertise of the educators in the program.
 

SoScared

Well-known member
new paragraph - I currently work....

You use a lot of words to say the obvious. Shops sell stuff. Libraries are libraries.

The first paragraph is very weak because you don't introduce any personality or interesting life experiences. Consequently you don't lay a foundation that can be expanded on and referred to in the later paragraphs.
 
Maybe move the final paragraph from "I am hoping..." to the start as an introduction because otherwise objectives aren't talked about until further down, and it needs to be strong on objectives, I think. Also consider mixing more about your career objectives/goals in with your experience so that it meets "how your experiences have shaped your professional and academic goals", this will help it to read more as a discussion, which it asks for - hope that helps :]
 

ScaredToBreathe

Well-known member
Hi, thanks for sharing. The others make a good point, you could have a stronger introduction. Ie. How were you introduced to library/retail services? How passionate are you about it? What are your future goals in the industry?
Here are some things I would consider revising:
"I was taught that the customer’s needs were the number one priority." Revision: I was taught (or, I learned) that customers' needs are the number one priority.

However, retail focuses on selling a product, and the more a customer buys, the better for the business. Libraries are more concerned with the exchange of information,
R: Retail focuses on selling products and the more that consumers buy, the more successful a business becomes. On the other hand, (or, however,) libraries are more concerned with the exchange of information,

that would be considered a success, whereas in retail, employees are encouraged to attempt to get customers to buy more than they need.
R: that would be considered a success; whereas in retail, employees are encouraged to upsell, resulting in extra purchases the customer may not need.

I enjoy seeing people able to find what they are looking for, without pressuring them.
R: I am geared toward library services because I enjoy being able to help others find what they are looking for without pressuring them.

I have gotten to know the regular patrons, not only their names, but their preferences, and life experiences.
R: I have not only gotten to know the names of regular patrons, but also their preferences and life experiences.

I like feeling like a part of the community, and that citizens feel comfortable at the library and with me.
R: I enjoy feeling like a part of the community and knowing that citizens feel comfortable at the library and with me assisting them.

relating to people and customer service. I am sure that with continued experience, I will gain more knowledge about the library, but I would like to supplement the experience with education, which is why I am applying to the MLS program.
R: relating to people and providing customer service. I am sure that with continued experience I will gain more knowledge and skills while working at the library; although, I would like to supplement experience with further education, which is why I am applying to the MLS program.

The closing paragraph is very well-written. The above are just some suggestions to make your sentences flow better, but I think you have the right idea of what they want from your objectives. Good luck to you! Please update us on how it's going if you get accepted (and I'm sure you will)!
 

lilmutegirl

Well-known member
Thanks for the suggestions! I hastily wrote the first draft, and was too anxious to go back to it, so it's nice that some other eyes checked it out for improvement. I really appreciate your help! I am going to edit it today, and hopefully submit it within the next couple of days, when I feel comfortable with the final product.
 

lilmutegirl

Well-known member
Okay...I finally have a draft I think is better, if anyone is interested in reading/giving feedback, I'd appreciate it. I plan on submitting it today. Something I've noticed is that I get really anxious when I am attempting to be productive (like whenever I thought about working on this essay, I freaked out, even though there is no reason to).
Thanks!

Since I was a young child, I have enjoyed becoming immersed in a good book. The library has always been a sanctuary from the hectic pace of everyday life. I find the relaxed environment welcoming and decided years ago that I wanted to be a part of creating that environment for others, which is why I applied for a page position at the Johnson County Library almost three years ago. Through my own work experience and my relationships with my co-workers, I have learned about many aspects of the library I was not aware of before I started working there, and I would like to continue this learning process both in the workplace and through formal education. I believe that, while studying and experiencing more about the inner workings of the library system, I will continue to find ways to contribute to furthering the public's positive library experiences.
With a background in retail, I learned that the customer service is the number one priority. Retail and the library both rely on customers or patrons in order continue to function. Libraries, however, focus more on quality than quantity. If a person finds one book at the library that has all the pertinent information he or she is looking for, that would be considered a success; whereas in retail, employees are encouraged to up sell, resulting in extra purchases the customer may not need. I am geared toward library services because I enjoy being able to help others find what they are looking for without pressuring them.
Technology has changed how patrons interact with the library, but there will always need to be a human component. Even though there are several functions of the library that have become self-service for patrons, such as placing holds, checking out, renewing materials, and paying fines, many patrons want to be able to talk to a person on the phone or face-to-face. Patrons of neighborhood libraries develop relationships with the staff and take every opportunity to interact with them.
I currently work at two branch locations: Gardner and Edgerton. Gardner is a growing community full of families of young patrons. Edgerton is a very small community. Working at Edgerton once a week, I have not only gotten to know the names of regular patrons, but also their preferences and life experiences. I enjoy feeling like a part of the community and knowing that citizens feel comfortable at the library and with me assisting them. Gardner also has regular patrons with whom I have become familiar.
I have enjoyed working at the library and the experiences that I have had there. I feel that I have learned a lot about relating to people and providing customer service. I am sure that with continued experience I will gain more knowledge and skills while working at the library; although, I would like to supplement experience with further education, which is why I am applying to the MLS program. I want to be able to apply the principles I learn in school directly to my work experience. I feel that working and going to school will go hand-in-hand to help me reach my professional goal of becoming a librarian who is able to help the general public reach their own goals through library services, everything from finding the perfect book to applying for a job online.
I currently work as a circulation clerk, and enjoy working with patrons and their accounts in this role, but am interested in exploring other career options within the library system. I think that a Master’s Degree will help facilitate opportunities for advancement and networking, both within the library system where I currently work, as well as meeting other people from area library systems and sharing in the wisdom and expertise of the educators in the program.
 

SoScared

Well-known member
Wow; the opening line made me think of.

He rode into our valley in the summer of '89. I was a kid then, barely topping the backboard of father's old chuck-wagon. I was on the the upper rail of our small corral, soaking in the late afternoon sun, when I saw him far down the road where it swung into the valley from the open plain beyond.
 

lilmutegirl

Well-known member
I am anxiously awaiting the response about my application. I should hear back any day now...the admissions counselor said that I had a strong application and that she expected me to be accepted or waitlisted.
 
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