Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:57 pm Post subject: problems with talking / dating
Hi I was wondering if this problem is holding anyone else back.When I see a girl I like,I just can't approach her.The thoughts that go through my mind are " i'm not good looking enough" "i'm not smart enough" "she has loads of friends,i only have a couple" "she is real popular,i spend most of my time alone" " i'm really boring,with nothing interesting to say" "what if she rejects me" "i'm no good at relationships,she would probably dump me anyway" "i'm not strong enough to stay in a relationship ".so i avoid approaching girls.In fact i only talk to girls i know are married or atttached.
I feel exactly the same as you do. I find it very difficult to speak to girls especially ones who I think are single. My problem is when i go to speak to them i think i will either say stupid, someway insult them or just freeze up. The only way i pick up the courage to speak to girl who i did not know would be to have a drink first which increases the chance of me doing something unhelpful. I would suppose most people on this site would struggle to speak to strangers especially ones of the opposite sex, so we all feel the same as you.
Joined: Jan 18, 2005 Posts: 99 Location: United States of America
Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 11:18 pm Post subject:
i dont have problems talking 2 girls, i really like talking 2 them and having a good time, but its my SA that keeps me from having a serious relationship with one. The fact of me approaching them, or them talking 2 me, i awsome, I LOVE GIRLS, but i say to myself: ''Ahhh what the hell, why bother in having a relationship if, my SA is gonna get in the way of everything i want to do with her" so thats how i feel
Go to a place where you can meet girls and talk to them in a safe environment. Have intimate and personal conversations with them, where you describe your feelings to them (self-disclosure) and they have the sympathy to correct your thoughts and re-adjust your perceptions. Practice doing all of the things that you fear doing -- making boring conversation, etc. and see what the reaction is. Go to a place where you can socially experiment with really cute, really uninhibited, sweet girls in a low pressure environment where there is no social judgment, no rigid rules for conduct, where you can just be yourself.
i dont have problems talking 2 girls, i really like talking 2 them and having a good time, but its my SA that keeps me from having a serious relationship with one. The fact of me approaching them, or them talking 2 me, i awsome, I LOVE GIRLS, but i say to myself: ''Ahhh what the hell, why bother in having a relationship if, my SA is gonna get in the way of everything i want to do with her" so thats how i feel
You might be not so deep into SA just as myself, I can totally relate to you. my relationships often end in a couple of weeks or less. last time i think i kind of fell in love thinkin she was the one who would share my way of thinking and enjoy life. but it seems she also got bored. ( i did too ) and we broke up. of course we didn't tell to each other this was the cause. So yep. ur not alone.
Yes, this sounds all too familiar. I haven't had a 'boyfriend' in over 6 years and even that wasn't a proper relationship and it didn't work out very well because I am so quiet. I think that I am destined to be alone or be lucky enough to find someone a bit more understanding who will maybe bring me out of my shell. I feel that is more likely to happen that me getting over SP.
Twice I have pushed someone away because of my SP but then he didn't turn out to be very nice anyway so I guess it was no great loss!
The idea of being alone with someone I don' know very well and have to maintain conversation for hours on end scares the hell out of me.
With the guy I pushed away I kept thinking, he is more social than me, he will be embarrassed to introduce me to his friends and family, he lives life better than I do, he is more interesting...etc etc etc.....So basically it is over before it began!!!!
Hi, I was the original poster.I can so relate to this "I kept thinking, he is more social than me, he will be embarrassed to introduce me to his friends and family, he lives life better than I do, he is more interesting...etc etc etc....." and "The idea of being alone with someone I don' know very well and have to maintain conversation for hours on end scares the hell out of me".
Maybe we should get together , then we could spend hours saying nothing,but we would feel so comfortable, as neither of us would expect lots of conversation , and we would understand each other perfectly (what about it) lol.I do think that we are often understood , people think we are snoby , boring , uninterested in the other person cause we don't talk to them.when all we want to do is talk , but it simply doesn't come to us.we just stay mute and then all the negative thoughts come flooding in , even the ones that arn't even related to the situation.
Joined: Dec 14, 2004 Posts: 73 Location: South Africa
Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:38 pm Post subject:
Its true, We all can relate to this.
But for me this next week is goona be hell. My friend organised me a blind date next week Saturday. I AM SCARED AS HELL.
I have never done something like that before. Wot if she thinks Im boring or wierd. I know its all just thoughts , but I just can't help it, they just pop up in my head. My hearts already starting to pulpitate while im righting this
NEway, do any of you guys have any tips . I would be greatful so please swing them my way.
But for me this next week is goona be hell. My friend organised me a blind date next week Saturday. I AM SCARED AS HELL.
I have never done something like that before. Wot if she thinks Im boring or wierd. I know its all just thoughts , but I just can't help it, they just pop up in my head. My hearts already starting to pulpitate while im righting this
NEway, do any of you guys have any tips . I would be greatful so please swing them my way.
One way is to try to stop these negative thoughts before they get to you,as once you get into the cycle of negative thoughts they will run and run,and you will find yourself going over things that happened in the past and things that "may" go wrong on the date and even the negative things that "may" happen in the future if things go well.Try to catch yourself as many times as you can in the next week having these negative thoughts like "will I be boring" "will she like me" "will she notice my anxiety".as soon as you notice a negative thought,tell your mind to stop,then do something to distract these thoughts,like a hobby,read a book,listen to music,exercise,really whatever will take you mind off it.In this way the thoughts won't get out of hand.The more you practise this the more you will be able to stop the thoughts.On the date itself remember that she will be equally nervous meeting someone on a blind date.it's amazing the number of times we have these negative thoughts.I've just started using it 3 weeks ago.i still have the thoughts,but I can nearly always catch them before they get out of control.hope this helps
Go to a place where you can socially experiment with really cute, really uninhibited, sweet girls in a low pressure environment where there is no social judgment, no rigid rules for conduct, where you can just be yourself.
1) Where can you meet girls and talk to them in a safe environment?
2) .... have sypathy to correct your thought and re-adjust your perceptions? Assuming I had the courage and oppurtunity to meet these girls... what kind of a girl would waste her time allowing me to describe my feelings.
3) ok, I'll give it a try, I will practice doing things I fear, small things at first.. like making boring convo.... not necessarily to attractive women though... that's a bit too much for right now.
4) ummm....where is this place that I can socially experiment with really cute, really uninhibited, sweet girls in a low pressure environment where there is no social judgment, no rigid rules for conduct, where I can just be myself..... is this a place called Utopia? umm... cute, uninhibited and sweet girls? I don't believe such a girl actually exists? would be nice though.
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