Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:51 pm Post subject: Boys don't notice me?
Hello all. I'm a 25 year old female and for most of my life I have wondered the same thing...why I always seem to escape the attention of the opposite sex.
I'm fairly attractive, I believe, certainly not completely hideous. I feel like most girls my age (and this was the same for me even when I was younger) are approached by guys, flirted with, hit on, asked out, etc, at least every once in awhile. That girls don't have to really "look for dates" so to speak, that if you're halfway attractive guys will seek you out.
But this doesn't happen for me, ever. Random guys I don't know don't flirt with me or ask me out (I don't spend a lot of time in bars, but I mean places like the supermarket or any public place really). A lot of times guys will fall for me after they have gotten to know me some, and a lot of guys I have met online ended up liking me.
So...obviously I'm not completely unlikeable. And if I had a big enough social base to meet a lot of guys and have them get to know me, I wouldn't have a problem (a subject for another post).
I have a few theories, and I was hoping I could get feedback from you people about which one(s) may be the source of my problem and ways I can fix them. Or if you have anything else I may not be thinking of.
1. Unrealistic expectations--maybe the average girl doesn't get flirted with or asked out by random men as much as I'm imagining?
2. Body language--maybe since I tend to be shy and not open to speaking with strangers/random people, I put off "leave me alone vibes" in my facial expressions and posture?
3. It has been suggested to me by a guy I met online that maybe I intimidate guys. But I find that really hard to fathom.
4. I know I have actually done this in the past... but maybe guys do try to flirt with me and I don't realize it? Like maybe the other week when the cute maintenance guy asked me a question while I was reading, he was trying to start a conversation?
5. All of the above?
You posted to my topic so I'll post to yours. Not sure if this will be of any use to you though
1) I'm the opposite gender, but your words resonate with me. I think the whole 'expecting to be hit-on thing' is an unrealistic stereotype, hyped up by the media. It doesn't happen to most people. Most guys don't have a CLUE how to talk to women and it's wonder how they manage to get into relationships at all (I'm still baffled).
Also I think the chances of being 'hit-on' (I hate that phrase) are practically zero outside of bars and clubs (AKA the 'meat market'). It's 'look but don't touch'. If you're hoping to pick someone up down the local supermarket then you're wasting your time. Alcohol is a great way of loosening people's tongues. I don't drink but I've seen the effect it has. Of course, do you really think you're going to meat Mr Right down the local boozer at 2am?
2) I agree. I think people are far more likely to want to engage with you if you're smiling and friendly-looking. But then that probably only works down the meat-market. Smile at people in the street and you're likely to get you're head kicked in or mugged! There are so many books and magazines that talk about body language like it's a secret code. Point your feet this way = you're interested. Touch your neck = you want to be kissed. Problem is 99% of people don't have a clue about body language but they read these books and start forcing these expressions expecting a reaction. It doesn't work. Stop over-thinking it.
3) I think there is some truth in this. I think guys (myself included) are naturally nervous around intelligent, witty women. I guess it's a control thing.
4) If you're anything like me, and you've been alone for a long time, your mind goes into overdrive coming up with explanations and counter-explanations about the ways things are and the way people behave, based on the most tenuous evidence. Stop. You're over-thinking things.
I don't understand this world. The people in loving relationships probably don't either. To be honest I've almost given up on it.
I do tend to think that women 'have it easier' purely for being women (men being expected to make the first move and everything) but please don't take offense at that. It makes me sad to think about it too much.
1. Yes, sometimes when I'm drunk out at a bar or club I will get hit on. But I don't even count that at all. For one thing I'm a huge victim of the beer goggles thing, so lord only knows if I'd find them at all appealing later, if I even find them appealing at all.
At any rate, I asked a friend of mine if she gets flirted with randomly, and she said she does! Lol not fair! Then again, she is VERY outgoing. I don't think I can compare myself to her. It's like apples and oranges. She probably starts a good number of those conversations herself.
Also another female friend of mine always, always gets hit on/flirted with when we are out in public, whether at a meat market place or not. And she is perhaps a little more outgoing than I am, but she does not start a lot of these conversations Honestly I don't see a huge difference in level of attractiveness b/t me and her. So, I don't know what the deal is with that.
So I still think other girls do get randomly flirted with. Maybe not as much as I'm imagining, but I think it happens. Just not to me lol.
2. Not sure where you're from, but I'm from the South, and a lot of us do smile at each other in the street. I don't think it's good to force different expressions/gestures. But maybe trying to be more open and friendly looking couldn't hurt lol.
3. I can believe that, I suppose. But how do guys or anyone know if I'm witty or intelligent before ever interacting with me?
4. I've been single maybe 4 months, seems kinda long sometimes but not exactly forever.
I don't take offense at that. But how is it easier if no one ever makes that first move?? You're still assuming people are approaching me. And they're not. In some ways it makes me feel worse. I shouldn't have to try to meet guys, they should be trying to meet me. I should have guys asking me out or something is wrong with me. Deep down, I know nothing is wrong with how I look or who I am, that if there is a problem, it is a matter of presentation or amount of exposure. But sometimes that makes me sad too.
Yes, sometimes when I'm drunk out at a bar or club I will get hit on. But I don't even count that at all.
Hmm. Not sure what to say about that. Clearly you ARE being hit on. Are you looking for someone special or do you just enjoy the feeling?
momijichan wrote:
So I still think other girls do get randomly flirted with. Maybe not as much as I'm imagining, but I think it happens. Just not to me lol.
Some people like apples more than oranges
momijichan wrote:
Not sure where you're from, but I'm from the South, and a lot of us do smile at each other in the street.
So am I (Suffolk and now Hampshire).
momijichan wrote:
I can believe that, I suppose. But how do guys or anyone know if I'm witty or intelligent before ever interacting with me?
You can usually spot ditzy people by the way they dress, talk and behave. We all judge people by what they look like.
momijichan wrote:
4. I've been single maybe 4 months, seems kinda long sometimes but not exactly forever.
I've been single...25 years...
momijichan wrote:
But how is it easier if no one ever makes that first move?? You're still assuming people are approaching me. And they're not.
Didn't you just say you were getting hit on? You're proving my point. I'm not *that* ugly but I've never had anyone show the slightest interest in me. Maybe I'm just bitter, but I can't help feel that if I was female, it would be easier.
momijichan wrote:
In some ways it makes me feel worse. I shouldn't have to try to meet guys, they should be trying to meet me. I should have guys asking me out or something is wrong with me.
I think that's the problem right there. Guys only make a move after they feel the women has given a hint. What's a hint? It could be a look. Staying in the same place. Avoiding other people. Behaving a certain way. Few men will just walk up to a total stranger and hit on her, and if they do - be wary. They're probably only after one thing.
Joined: Aug 17, 2007 Posts: 1380 Location: Wales, UK
Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:02 pm Post subject: Re: Boys don't notice me?
momijichan wrote:
Hello all. I'm a 25 year old female and for most of my life I have wondered the same thing...why I always seem to escape the attention of the opposite sex.
I'm fairly attractive, I believe, certainly not completely hideous. I feel like most girls my age (and this was the same for me even when I was younger) are approached by guys, flirted with, hit on, asked out, etc, at least every once in awhile. That girls don't have to really "look for dates" so to speak, that if you're halfway attractive guys will seek you out.
But this doesn't happen for me, ever. Random guys I don't know don't flirt with me or ask me out (I don't spend a lot of time in bars, but I mean places like the supermarket or any public place really). A lot of times guys will fall for me after they have gotten to know me some, and a lot of guys I have met online ended up liking me.
So...obviously I'm not completely unlikeable. And if I had a big enough social base to meet a lot of guys and have them get to know me, I wouldn't have a problem (a subject for another post).
I have a few theories, and I was hoping I could get feedback from you people about which one(s) may be the source of my problem and ways I can fix them. Or if you have anything else I may not be thinking of.
1. Unrealistic expectations--maybe the average girl doesn't get flirted with or asked out by random men as much as I'm imagining?
2. Body language--maybe since I tend to be shy and not open to speaking with strangers/random people, I put off "leave me alone vibes" in my facial expressions and posture?
3. It has been suggested to me by a guy I met online that maybe I intimidate guys. But I find that really hard to fathom.
4. I know I have actually done this in the past... but maybe guys do try to flirt with me and I don't realize it? Like maybe the other week when the cute maintenance guy asked me a question while I was reading, he was trying to start a conversation?
5. All of the above?
Any insight would be welcome.
1) It's more likely for women to be asked out than for men to be asked out. I think that being a shy guy sucks because I can't get the cofnidence to approach girls. I think that a lot of guys are shy approaching girls.
2) That's true. The way a person sits o'r stands has a big impact. Eg - having the arms tight to the body and being all stiff gives the impression of unfriendliness.
3) Maybe you are so attractive you intimidate guys? I am intimidated by attractive girls.
4) It's obvious that guy was starting a conversation. I think shy people have trouble noticing things like that.
Hmm. Not sure what to say about that. Clearly you ARE being hit on. Are you looking for someone special or do you just enjoy the feeling?
Hrm. Well I guess what I'm saying is I'd like attention from guys who aren't creeps. The guys who hit on me when I'm drunk are always creeps. They're not looking to get to know me, only to take advantage of the drunk chick.
Danny77 wrote:
So am I (Suffolk and now Hampshire).
*giggle* I meant the South of the US. I'm in Tennessee. We are known for being more friendly, and a lot of people from other countries comment on it, smiling at strangers and whatnot. I heard about this Eastern European couple who moved here and thought people were making fun of them or something because everyone smiled at them.
Is this mainly a UK site? Not that it makes a difference. Just wondering.
Danny77 wrote:
You can usually spot ditzy people by the way they dress, talk and behave. We all judge people by what they look like.
There's something to that I guess. But it's not like I walk around with the tweed blazer with the elbow patches! Hah. I *do* kinda have a schoolmarm look going on with my glasses and wearing my hair up in a bun all the time...HMMM.
Danny77 wrote:
I've been single...25 years...
Aww, hon. *hugs!*
Danny77 wrote:
Didn't you just say you were getting hit on? You're proving my point. I'm not *that* ugly but I've never had anyone show the slightest interest in me. Maybe I'm just bitter, but I can't help feel that if I was female, it would be easier.
momijichan wrote:
In some ways it makes me feel worse. I shouldn't have to try to meet guys, they should be trying to meet me. I should have guys asking me out or something is wrong with me.
Danny77 wrote:
I think that's the problem right there. Guys only make a move after they feel the women has given a hint. What's a hint? It could be a look. Staying in the same place. Avoiding other people. Behaving a certain way. Few men will just walk up to a total stranger and hit on her, and if they do - be wary. They're probably only after one thing.
Well, like I said above, I do have the occasional creep trying to take advantage of me. Hey if that's what you're looking for, yes girls have an easier time getting that lol.
Maybe I should have been more precise in my word choice. Being "hit on" implies little more than being propositioned for sex. Really what I mean is non-creepy guys showing interest in getting to know me. Flirting, asking out on dates, etc.
I was reading in a dating forum that the grocery store is the top place where singles meet. So obviously there are strangers meeting in random places and getting to know each other that way. That's the kind of thing I was asking about.
recluse wrote:
2) That's true. The way a person sits o'r stands has a big impact. Eg - having the arms tight to the body and being all stiff gives the impression of unfriendliness.
3) Maybe you are so attractive you intimidate guys? I am intimidated by attractive girls.
4) It's obvious that guy was starting a conversation. I think shy people have trouble noticing things like that.
I also asked this question in that dating forum and I think most of it comes down to body language/eye contact. A lot of times when I am out and about I'm not very approachable I guess. If I'm alone I'm either very focused on the task at hand or spaced out, absorbed in my own thoughts, or sometimes even reading. If I'm with friends we are usually very involved in our conversation. Either way I rarely look around or pay any attention to people around me, and probably give off an air that if anyone were to talk to me they'd be "interrupting." Maybe if I saw a cute boy, made eye contact, and smiled, that would be the hint that Danny77's talking about. Perhaps I'll give that a try sometime, if I can remember to do that.
As for #3, I can see some people being intimidated by the way I speak, I guess. Or the fact that I can sometimes be seen reading rather large books. But while I know that I'm no dog, I know I'm also not intimidatingly attractive.
I think you're right about #4, recluse. I realized that after the moment had passed and was annoyed with myself. Grr! Maybe if I can slow down, pay more attention to people around me, and try to make myself more open and approachable I will be able to recognize these things before it's too late.
Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 11:17 pm Post subject: Re: Boys don't notice me?
momijichan wrote:
But this doesn't happen for me, ever. Random guys I don't know don't flirt with me or ask me out (I don't spend a lot of time in bars, but I mean places like the supermarket or any public place really). A lot of times guys will fall for me after they have gotten to know me some, and a lot of guys I have met online ended up liking me.
So...obviously I'm not completely unlikeable.
Hi,
Well your sentance above shows that guys don't hate you. You said a lot of guys will fall for you after getting to know you and you've met nice ones online who like you. That's proof that guys don't ignore you. And you're only young with less experiences of most guys. The rest of your first post reads like nobody asks you out and you're basically saying it won't happen but you have to remind yourself that guys don't come on a plate.
You can look for guys but understand what you're doing. Don't come across as too needy or desperate to look for a bf (I don't really believe that you will) or even look for a boyfriend full stop. Some women with SA and non SA feel lonely so they end up sleeping with random men for the sake of feeling loved when it was just a one off. Be careful that you don't end up like that. I'm sure you're a really nice girl and don't see any reason why someone in the near future can't come along and find you attractive. Love often occurs within, liking someone's personality before appearance. Some women find it more difficult to have bf's than others. You're not alone because I've met loads of women on forums in your position and I used to feel like you do when I was your age.
Don't compare yourself with others. Just be who you are and concentrate on the guys who were friendly to you and remember that more than remember what you haven't got. There's plenty of time for you to meet someone. I don't know if this made sense. [/b]
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