Fear, hmmm....

Guest · Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 11:41 pm Post subject: Fear, hmmm....

I know that everyone has a fear of something. Everyone gets nervous from time to time. Maybe it is public speaking, meeting new people, going to a new school, going on a first date...etc, but some people fear their fears. It is ridiculous. I wish that I was not this way and I am sure that most of you wish you did not feel this way either. SA is a mental disorder that can completely take over your life if you do not do something about it. I feel that it gets worse and worse as time goes on bcuz most people suffering just start to completely give in. I can not do this.. it is too hard too difficult and so much easier just to not have to deal with it.

I have always been a shy person when meeting new ppl.. mostly friends of my friends... but after a while i warmed up to them and felt more comfortable. I was always nervous about going on dates n meeting guys.. cuz I worried how they would view me but that is normal. Everyone feels tht way once in a while. Also, public speaking always made me nervous. Again, that is a normal fear that most people in the world have. My avoidance behavior started when I was sitting and thinking about how I was going to meet somebody that one of my friends new. I kept thinking about how nervous I was about it and said to myself.. well if it makes me that nervous than why don't i just cancel? If something makes me that nervous I should just forget it and not have to stay that way. SOmetimes if someone my friend new ended up not being able to hangout I would feel so much relief and my anxiety was gone.

During High School I started to realize that I had some type of problem. It all started in 9th grade. I missed lots of days.. I would go to the nurse and leave school before the day was even half over. I would skip classes completely. I would sometimes go in late. I was before this... btw during this time my grandfather was ill with cancer and I couldn't deal with it. I kept all of my feelings inside. I even avoided seeing him. I don't know if this has anything to do with it but I was fine until that happened. Well... This continued on all throughout high school. During my junior yr I noticed I would blush and sweat alot It had never happened to me every before. I didn't even remember sweating during gym or while working out so it was odd to out of nowhere break into a sweat just while sitting in class. It would happen mostly if I was sitting in the front.. I had to sit in the back all the time or else I felt like people were staring at me.
Embarassed

I thought that I had a sweating problem but later realized it happened at school and when i was at home or jus out wit friends or family i was completely fine. Rolling Eyes

During my senior yr of highschool I took 2 weeks off for being sick.. yeah I was sick but after a while I couldn't bring myself to get back to school. I begged my family to have me transfer for a semester or to finish out by having a tutor for about 6 months. Well... anyways.. I forced myself to go back and I did and I got thru the rest of the yr.

I was gonna go to college and live away from home. BUT.. I missed my placement test... and I went during the summer when I was the only one in the library taking it. Then I had to go for orientation n register. I freaked out and of course I never went. Then I WAS gonna go to it a week before school started but never went. Then I had to move in and I remember having so many panic attacks for about 2 weeks straight...(2 weeks b4 the move in)... and I freaked out the day I had to go to college. I had the worst panic attack and explained that I just couldn't handle school and wanted a break. SO i took a break off. Now I am going to school.. i just started.. i went n i registered.. and i have been doing fine.. but listen up.. i missed 3 days of classes all last week.. so thats 4 classes one class each missed... i went to my 3 classes on mon ... tues i went and couldnt find my music class.. it wasnt newhere noone was even around.. so i freaked out and left!! then wed i didnt have class...cuz of snow.. then today i went in and still no class no ppl.. os i freaked and left again.. i needed to go get books but left money at home and now i gotta try n go tomorrow early in the morning. i sorta feel like i cant handle this and i wanna quit.. i wish i could feel normal about everything but i honeslty can not.

so now that u have or u mite not have read everything ive written...

Maybe.. just Maybe.. i'll talk to you ppl later on..

hehe..

Very Happy

aligurl09 · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:06 am Post subject:

Hey hey everyone!! It's me... and that post up there was from me... I just didn't feel like signing in...

So ummm... any replies? Or what?? Razz

Guest · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 3:10 am Post subject:

I know exactly what you mean, I have always been shy, but i have had SAD for a little over a year. i just got it treated (meds, therapy) My therapist sucks(sorry if i'm not allowed to use bad language). i have been out of school for over two months and i have to go back on tuesday of next week. i have never been so scared of anything in my life. The docter says i have SAD, seperation anxity, depression(mostly just from my anxiety), and post tramatic stress disorder. i don't like to leave my mother(I'm 15, which last time i checked is really really wierd). but i have to go back to school and i have had my share of scarey things, and none of them come close to how bad this is. i am so confused and angry at what i'm feeling, i have no control over my emotion. our insurance sucks and there is no therapist that takes it, so i'm stuck with this lady who is the worst.
i hate myself for the way i am, i don't want to go back, the last day i was there i had the most awful panick attack, it started in the hallway and i couldn't get to the guidance office quick enough, i called my mom and she said i had to wait at least two more periods before she could pick me up(i know it sounds like shes awful, but i had been missing so much school and leaving early everyday, and it was only second period.) well my counseler said i should try and go back to class, well i walked in the library and everyone just stared at me, i was crying and trembling, i couldn't breath. so i sat in the corner and prayed that some freak accident would just kill me right then. well i finally stopped crying and went to my next class, i was still having the attack and as soon as someone asked what was wrong i broke down. my friend took me to the bathroom and i had to cover my mouth to stop from screaming.
that was the last time i was in school, and now i have to go back. everyone says it won't happen again and it's ridiculous that i'm so scared, but what the hell do they know????!!!!!! they have never felt what it's like, and i know i'm being over dramatic, but i can't help it, i do not want to go back with three weeks of therapy and new medicine.
Please, i need someone to talk to, someone who understands. i am so scared and i feel so helpless. i am so lonely, yet terrified of going around people, i'm miserable at home and miserable when i'm away from it. nothing has seemed to help, and i don't know how long it'll be till i totally break down and lose it.
Well, if you've read ALL that(your a better person then me if you have), i know a lot of what you mean. i have never told anyone about the stuff i just told you(a total stranger).

aligurl09 · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 5:11 am Post subject:

hey there! i can totally relate to what ur going thru. i missed so much school over the years because of my SA. I'm trying so hard to be able to go to college... maybe I just need to try a little bit more, but it is easier said than done.. honestly ppl without SA do not understand how difficult everyday things are and why we make such a big deal over mostly everything... stay on this site and keep posting n talking to ppl cuz this site has def helped me to see that there are other people like me out there... i hope things get better for you! Very Happy

idk ur membername... but i hope i ttyl.. cya

JeSs42790 · Newbie User Joined: Jan 28, 2005 Posts: 22

my member name is JeSs42790. no one knows just how hard it is to go to school everday, like you know how highschool is supposed to be a hard time, a lot of insecurity, well for us it's like doubled. it's like everytime someone says something relotely insulting about my clothes or hair i want to die, i pick apart my every flaw and can't imagine that i'm any good at anything. my parents tell me i'm good at things, but their my parents, they have to say that. but when i am riding my horse, it's like none of this matters, like my hair, my shoes and how i look mean nothing anymore, all there is, is me and my horse. i could ride in front of thousands of people and it wouldn't bother me, it doesn't matter if people think i'm bad, they don't see what i was, and what i've become, all they see is what i don't do right, or that my horse isn't some 100,000 dollar animal with perfect gaits. you can't imagine the freedom i get from that. do you know what i could do about going back to school, everyone says imagine this, and think of that, but it doesn't seem to work for me. i feel like i'm giving in, and i can't help it, i have no life, my friends have stopped calling because i always push them away. everynight i have a nightmare about school, and i get sick all the time just thinking about it, i know i need to go back, but if i have to come home again like i did the last day of school, i will never go back. i don't really like talking to too many people about this, but your story just reminded me of, well me. i can relate to a lot of what you are saying.
Jessica

aligurl09 · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 7:11 pm Post subject:

hey

yeah school is def tough when you've got social anxiety. also, im reallie tough on myself for what i look like and everything.. i worry so much about what other people think of me its ridiculous n whenever neone jokes around about nething.. i take it the wrong way and start crying n i cant stop... Sad