i need help..

br26 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 27, 2007 Posts: 7

hi,

i think i've been battling ocd for about, oh, since the sixth grade (i just turned twenty now). back then i was worried about getting brain damage, and also worrying what would happen if i rolled my eyes all the way to the back of my head. eventually, these thoughts faded away, and for a while i was relatively fine.

over the summer, these kind of thoughts returned, only more sinister. i didnt act on them, but i got a overwhelming urge to invade my brothers and mom's privacy by checking their emails/history. after that went away, i had some small other problems that went away..then i was just playing my nintendo DS yesterday when one popped up..it was so bad, it made me very sick to my stomach, and in fact, it's still there.

for some reason, i have a overwhelming thought to cause harm to my family while they are sleeping. i feel really, really bad about even thinking of them. i don't want to do this at all, but then i think "what happens if i do it?" then i think of everything bad that can happen to me and my family if i do it and i dont want to do it. but i cant get them out of my head. i really feel i need to talk to someone about it but i dont think my mom would understand..i think she would think that im a freak.

i feel very uncomfortable and sick over ocd, especially this thought. can anyone give me some advice with dealing with these thoughts?

YankeeBob · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 29, 2007 Posts: 113

welcome. i and others here hope you find some mental peace and emotional serenity in the journey you are thinking of taking.

the mind is a strange place.

we can use it to calm or thoughts , or to agitate them.

....as you reveal in your thread below.

here are some ideas if you REALLY want to take charge ( some times people just want to "vent" their secrets but don't really want to change ):

1) you have admitted you have a problem to us - strangers. strangers who live all around the world.

that is a first small step.

the next step would be to reveal this to a family doctor - if you have one you trust - and ask for help.

just as you would if you have ...say cancer.

2) bottling these thoughts up inside is called "repression".

speaking for myself bottling up thoughts and feelings has harmed me.

i finally found it helpful to go to a group meeting and talk about this stuff. and more importantly find real role models to ask for help.

teachers or mentors if you will.

3) i was told in my group that meditation helped some men; i arrived at this group when I was 53.

to my great suprise it helped me to.

here in Australia there are buddhist and hindu meditation programs. the hindu one is free which helps some of us who can not afford much.

i have found that my mind can get busy. full of thoughts, thinking of harm done to me by my family, running the thoughts around and around.....until this stuff going on in my head replaces reality.

like being in a movie and not escaping.

does that make sense ?

anyhow to "quieten the mind" meditation gives me some peace . and i then start to live in reality more.

like going for a walk. calling a friend on the phone. getting involved with people.

of course I tried to live without people most of my life. now that was dumb.

4) do you have trouble sleeping at nights ? I ask because this too is often a symptom of something not quite right.

hope this helps a little bit.

emmdee · Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 2:01 am Post subject:

What the person before me said is some good advice. When you're really in panic mode, just cancel them out with loving thoughts. How you love your family, how you'd never ever harm them....how amazing they are.

OCD is all about the mind, you have to remember - your body and nerves are indeed connected to the mind, but thinking something and acting on it is completely different. Just remember that when you think these thoughts again.
There's a HUGE difference between just thinking about it and telling your brain you really want to do this. When you think about it, the brain just thinks and does not take action. When you tell the brain you WANT to do this, that is when the mind sends the message to the nerves that send the message to the muscles...and you get up.

Telling your brain that you love your family and don't want to harm them is telling your mind to stop thinking about it, and that you definately don't want to do it. Think these things the next time you start having bad thoughts - maybe it will help.

br26 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 27, 2007 Posts: 7

ill take these suggestions and advice and use it. i've always had sleeping problems, but its not related to OCD, i've just always been a night person for as long as i can remember. But once these thoughts came, i kept myself up till around 2:30-3:00 last night worrying about it.

talking about it makes me feel a bit comfortable, and im going to interact with other people more. that's always been the thing with me; i've never really been that social other than with my cousins and of course, my own family.

next time i go to the doctor, i'll talk to him in private over who i could see that can help me get rid of these anxities. after posting this ive felt a little more relived, far more better than i did yesterday. but it's been fluctuating, and it annoys me greatly.

if theres any kind of upside to this..which is very weird, my other ocd-related problems seem to have subsided for now. i guess one major issue destroys the seemingly smaller ones..:/

YankeeBob · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 29, 2007 Posts: 113

congratulations br26.

you may find it helpful to keep a diary. those of us who have done so will notice a pattern:

* nights in particular that we wake up,

* thoughts in our mind, that are unresolved from the day.

as we discover some patterns we can then "get ready" in advance. say exercising more so that sleep is deeper. or no alcohol.

another suggestion is to keep a "gratitude list" . things that you have to be grateful for in your life.

one day I was working with a man in my program. he is about 10 years younger, and his parents divorced when he was just a tot. so he was raised by a single parent his mom who worked two jobs to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.

anyhow, i put a glass on the table and filled it half full. I asked him to imagine that his life was that glass.

i then asked him to describe his life in terms of that glass.

he started by talking about what was missing out of the top. a long list that i had heard a number of times before.

i started laughing. he stopped, hurt and asked "why are you laughing Bob"?

I replied:
* you have a job,
* you have your health,
* you have two step daughters,
* you have a daughter who loves you,
* you have a partner who loves you, and
* you have this program that we work together

....there are men in this world who have none of those things. those things you take for granted each day.

those men live in China, Africa, Indonesia, Burma, and even here in Australia.

how do you feel when you look at what you have I asked?

i feel better he replied. sort of content.

and how do you feel when you look at what is missing I asked, He said "disturbed".

so I said, "you have the freedom of choice. you can look at the things that make you happy/content. or the things that make you feel disturbed/troubled. "

"which do you think", I asked, "is emotionally healthier for you to do?"

does that make sense BR26 ?

br26 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 27, 2007 Posts: 7

yes, i know full well what you mean. i know i am a very lucky individual when it comes to my family.

i've come to accept that i'll never do it. but now i have feelings of guilt, confusion, and fear over the things ive thought. and the images just won't leave. it's weird and frightening at the same time.

i slept pretty well for the most part, by the way. i dont dream about this anxiety at all. i cant really control what i dream anyway; its very random.

YankeeBob · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 29, 2007 Posts: 113

each of us are normal human beings. so we each - everyone on the planet - will go through these issues.

you might want to ask yourself who is a role model you could talk to about what they do with their feelings in this area.

i have found that reading a book from the Al Anon organisation is helpful. the name of the book is "Courage to Change".

it has a daily reading; and a subject reading at the back.

would you like me to post here a reading on one of these three feelings that you have raised?

Be well.

br26 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 27, 2007 Posts: 7

sure; whatever will help.

ive felt better these last few days, but i can't help feeling guilty. i also do feel a lot of hoplessness and other weird thoughts i dont want to get into these days.

YankeeBob · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 29, 2007 Posts: 113

Here is a quote from a reading on the subject from a book used by the Al Anon community. I am a member as I have a brother who is a recoverying alcoholic; went to a meeting today and found it very moving.

"Reading for April 29:
I grew up with guilt and blame, amidst harsh criticism and constant fear. Even now after years of working on myself , when past mistakes come to mind I tend to react with guilt, exaggerating the significance of my errors and thinking very badly of myself.

In my program I am learning to see myself more realistically. Sure I have made plenty of mistakes, ...but I 'm not evil. its time I stop treating myself as if I were.

There was a time when the only power I felt I had was the power to mess things up. Today, because I am learning to believe in myself and my ability to make a positive contribution to my own life, I am fee to look at tmy mistakes without blowing them out of proportion. I can learn to stop repeating those errors, and I can make amends for the harm I have done.

Todays Reminder:

I will not chain myself to the past with self defeating guilt, or by inflating the importance of my errors. Insteand I want to face my past and heal old wounds so that I move forward into a richer , fuller and more joyous life today."

Try reflecting on this passage each day for a week...and see how it affects your feelings...and thoughts.

Take care. Be well.

br26 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 27, 2007 Posts: 7

uggggh. i feel like i need to post here again, because stuff has been bothering me lately, and i need to talk to someone about it.

causing harm to my family is the last thing i would ever do. but thoughts keep entering my head constantly, as if i need SOMETHING to be worried about all day. for example, right now im thinking "hey some idiot left a cell phone number on the internet and he claims hes a hitman" (when obviously it's probally just some stupid prank) and any normal person would probally shove it off as a lame prank, but i just cant. my mind, like, WANTS me to think "hey call this guy" when i know i never will, but it's just biting at me constantly. i want to flag the response but the website wont let me..

but it's not just that, either. it's little, trivial things like invading other peoples privacy, or going to websites that i dont want to, but something tells me inside that I have to. For the longest time now, with me it's always been "you have to worry. there's no other choice". I'm fearing right now that the number is going to stick with me and that im going to remember it, when i don't want to at all. ive gone to the precautions where i block the site from my computer just so i dont have to go there and see it again. it scares the daylights out of me, but i just cant help it.

i want to go for help..but i just don't know how to explain it to my mom. and now i feel like a freak for even posting here again..these are problems that i want to get rid of quick so i can just enjoy the things i have, but i can't if i constantly worry about the smallest, trivial things constantly. Sad