Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 11:13 pm Post subject: Interesting article about self-doubt and self-consciousness
Hey guys, I found this interesting article on how to deal with being conscious, which I thought was more useful than all the positive thinking strategies out there. Basically, us shy people do tend to magnify the "spotlight effect" and it's usually inaccurate. As a result, that self-consciousness inhibits us from doing what we want in our hearts. The next interesting thing I found was when getting into a situation, where you are filled with self-doubt or self-consciousness, the big question to ask is "so?" Just my two cents.
Once, I had an intense, emotional cell phone discussion with a friend while riding in a taxi. At a certain point I fell into a strangled silence.
"What's wrong with you?" my friend asked. "Why aren't you talking?"
Covering my mouth with one hand, I whispered, "The driver can hear me."
At this point, my friend said something so lucid, so mind expanding, so simultaneously Socratic and Zenlike, that I memorized it on the spot. I've gained comfort by repeating it to myself in many other situations. I encourage you, too, to memorize this question and use it when you find yourself shrinking back from an imaginary spotlight. My friend said -- and I quote:
"So?"
This brilliant interrogatory challenged me to consider the long-term consequences of being embarrassed (really, who cares?). It reminded me that failing to act almost always leaves me with more regret than taking embarrassing action.
Here are a few instances where the Universal Question might help a person break through imprisoning inhibitions:
"If I say what I really think, people might disagree with me."
So?
"If I leave my drunken abusive husband, his crazy family will call me a bitch."
So?
"If I go windsurfing, I'll look like a klutz. Plus, people will see my cellulite."
So?
PS: I would just like to add that for some people, seeing this might be like staring at one of those anti-drug ads that say "Just say NO", or those on how to lose weight that say "Just stop eating it"! Those kind of statements do discourage me because there are really no legit excuses to counter them and really no space to accept ones humanity. But for people I see that are sick of being shy because of their condemning consciences or bad past experiences, that passage can be an inspiration for all of us.
Yeah I dunno if they helps really. I know my fear is irrational, in that often the things I worry about are pretty stupid and won't kill me even if they do happen, but it still doesn't stop me worrying about them. I often wish I was one of those care-free people who just don't care what other people think of them, but the fact of the matter is I do care, too much, what other people think of me. I don't know why, I just do.
So challenging my fears by asking "So?" doesn't really help me. My answer would be "because I would feel anxious and I hate feeling anxious".
I feel my problem is physiological as well as mental, and no matter how much I try and address the mental side, I'll never be 'normal' unless I can stop the automatic fear/anxiety response from happening.
Thnkx man like gorillaz say It is all in you head!!.
_________________ -The only thing stopping you is yourself!
-Don't let who you are, stunt what you want to be!
-Focus on what you want in your life.not what you don't want!
Thanks for posting this, it was really interesting! Sometimes thinking "so?" works for me.. like when I went on holiday with my family, I was feeling self-concious about my body because I'd put on a few lbs beforehand, but I kept thinking "who cares if anyone sees I have chubby thighs and that my stomach is not as flat as it used to be!" It helps for me sometimes in those situations, but most other times it has no effect.
Joined: Nov 17, 2007 Posts: 64 Location: New York City
Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:02 am Post subject:
Yes. That's how I've overcome my SA. I can't stop the over-analysis and the question "do I look awkward?" but I no longer care if I look awkward. Who gives a ****ing ****. My friends know me as the guy who acts a bit weird and that's a reputation I actually find comforting. Anyone who finds me a discomfort can go fail their tests, do crack, and rot away for all I care. Why should I worry over what people think?
The problem is I can only think like that in the presence of men.
Theoretically I understand the idea of "so" but for me the issue of shyness is something else.
I was watching the Today Show on TV and saw a woman who was a Shyness Coach and helped people overcome their shyness. What she said made a world of sense. Shy people tend to see ourselves as only shy and when we think of ourselves in this way, we come to expect only shy behavior. Then every time that we act shy we "prove" to ourself that yes, we are shy. The idea is to put ourselves out there and give ourselves credit for even the smallest of social attempts. We have to stop seeing ourselves as only shy in order for us to slowly change our behavior.
I'm not explaining her ideas as well as she did. She writes to the parent of shy kids and for shy adults who can use the exercises to change our thoughts which help change our behavior.
I got her book called Don't Call Me Shy by Laurie Adelman and did the activities and I have become much more confident in myself and what I can do. I recommend it to everyone. I ordered mine from www.langmarc.com but I'm sure you can get it from a bookstore too.
_________________ A book called Don't Call Me Shy by Laurie Adelman has changed my life!
From this book I have learned that:
Today is a new day and I CAN reach out to others. Slowly I am making progress and I feel more confident every day.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
101 guests
23 members
Forum FAQ
Search
Profile
Private messages
Log in
like gorillaz say 
