no-one understands

nici · Newbie User Joined: Sep 11, 2007 Posts: 21

hi there, Im new to this forum, been posting on blushing forum. I have a form of SA related to fear of blushing which started over a year ago, Im 36. The real problem is the depression that accompanies me. Ive suffered from minor depression in the past but this is dreadful. I lost count of the number of times Ive seriously sat and thought about ending it all cos its just not worth it. thats a massive thing for me to say as I have 2 teenage daughters who i adore and would never in a million yrs want to put them through that grief. so why do I still keep thinking that its for the best and living is just too hard! Ive been seeing a doc who's had me on different meds, seen a therapist relating to the blushing. Ive now been giving another anti depressant to try along with diazepam which doesnt seem to help. My personality is changing (not with meds), I feel very resentful sometimes towards people i love, become agitated very quick, and sometimes say hurtful things, I think it boils down to the fact that they cant help me and I want them to understand. Does that make sense???

dottie · Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 5:47 pm Post subject: Re: no-one understands

Ana · Newbie User Joined: Apr 24, 2007 Posts: 42

What you've posted makes sense to me aswell!
I've thought of 'ending' it before but I wouldn't want to put my family through that. I guess, sometimes 'ending' it seems like our only way to escape. Depression makes us feel so down and there never seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Though, realisticly, we tend to have so many things to live for and charish.
Sometimes, we need to find an outlet to let ourselves express our emotion and maybe just relax and hopefully enjoy something. Maybe you should think of a creative outlet for yourself? Maybe drawing, writing, or anything else you think you may enjoy? I know writing helps me a bunch.
As for resenting your family and feeling agitated, I understand completely. I tend to get very snappy with my Mom and siblings. Sometimes they say things that hurt me and I feel they 'deserve' it and other times I just snap and take my anger out on them. Not that it's right, but sometimes things bottle up inside and we tend to take it out on those closest to us.
Well, I wish you the best and hope that things work out for you!

nici · Newbie User Joined: Sep 11, 2007 Posts: 21

Thanks. had a really bad day yesterday at work and it put me in a depressive state for the rest of the day, finally after my hubby and daughters went to bed I cried my heart out. Again, I thought that this has got to end, locked myself in the bathroom with a load of anti-depressants, and sat for half an hour wondering if this was really what i wanted, to end it all right now. Sitting thinking calmed me down a bit and eventually got up, put meds back and went to bed. Im either too much of a coward or deep down I know there is still some good things about living. my daughters for a start, and i still enjoy things like meeting friends, going to restaurants, curling up with a good book, walks in the countryside with my lovely dogs, or even just a glass of wine and some pizza in front of the tv. Its the stuff in between all these things that gets me down, the blushing phobia can get so bad that I hate even being around close relatives, weird huh? A lot of the time i have to 'act' being happy and relaxed (which is bloomin hard work sometimes). Its nice to be able to talk to someone through a site like this. the only other person I talk to is my doctor and although he's really good and a terrific listener, theres always the 'time' thing.

Thanks again x

Ana · Newbie User Joined: Apr 24, 2007 Posts: 42

You just need to remember that with depression, all we can really truely feel and understand is sadness. Sometimes happiness peeks through the haze of depression, but it tends to go unnoticed/unregocgnized.
Are your anti-depressants helping any?

nici · Newbie User Joined: Sep 11, 2007 Posts: 21

not really, I tend to have more problems on them than off.
Feeling a bit more positive today, hope it lasts for a little while a least.

Thanks again x

oszapo · Newbie User Joined: May 25, 2007 Posts: 86

Your blushing related thoughts are very similar to mine.Just today i told my boyfriend that i dont want to live i wanna end it.I told him i wanna live as long as my mum then i wanna be dead.He freaked out that i need help then got angry and put the phone down.
I got other problems but i dont think anyone knows how bad this blushing is for us.I walked on the street when a guy came in front of me who used to fance me and we been friends but i never liked him.But anyway i gone soo red that im thankful for my gardien angels that my boyfriend didn look at me.What would he think????Im scared to go out the house in the case i bump into someone i avoid social life as im s*** nervous.
And work is atorture each day i have a bad blush day i could come home and just die as some people make fun out of it and then i repeatedly go red for order its really soul destroyin.
I used to give advice to people who wanted to end it all and cant belive that it got me down so badly as well but i never came so far like you sittin in the toilet and actually thinkin bout it.
Dont forget you can change job ,life and it all might help.
Does your partner know u blush?Your daughters?

nici · Newbie User Joined: Sep 11, 2007 Posts: 21

yeah they do know all about it, I try not to talk about that much though cos through past experience, others just think its stupid. so they dont think its a huge problem like it is. They think I mainly suffer from depression, which I suppose it is. people can still have blushing without being bothered about it, its the way its now lead to my depression that has become scary for my family. I ve had really bad couple of days, depression terrible, felt so numb at work yesterday, and when your not this livewire person people and colleagues avoid you, its as if your not worth talking to. Ive decided to take a short time off sick, husband phoned in this morning, told them i had virus and they werent happy about it. When I go to docs and get sicknote im dreading them finding out the real reason, cos Ive only been there about 7wks and theyll say I shouldnt have took the job if I was suffering from mental condition (even though, we know, depressives need to work too) then when I do return Im frightened they'll blank me even more. God life seems such a mess!!!
I find it soooooo frustrating that very few people even try to understand a little.

oszapo · Newbie User Joined: May 25, 2007 Posts: 86

Hi nici,depression can be very serious and all those clever people who might judge you later can get it themselves.
Dont worry about it now to go back just enjoy your time and let them get on with it.I always find people very very sad who worry bout others.I never understood why is that makin someone happy when i go red for example they really have no life and are mean.I know how easy it is to be said cos some nasty people-i have at work some sadly too-can make your life to hell so i do understand but dont forget work is just where you go to get your money from and the most important thing is where you go back to your family.
And an other thing is everyone is once very low then happy again so whenever you low just remember it will be up again later even if its hard to belive.
Try runnin it did help me when i was depressed.
And about that green staff you got for your blushing and it works please let me know thank u

Razz