My life is messed up and I think about suicide alot recently

MadCat · Guest

It is 4am here (England) so I will keep this short.

I'm a 21 year old male, who has been disconnected from the world pretty much since the age of 11. I could go out and talk to people and other stuff, but I found it hard. At the age of 15, I went into complete physical disconnection from the outside world. Basically anything after 11 years old is-

I have no friends
I have no girlfriend
I have no job
I have no income
I can't/won't go outside
I am fearful of going outside because of *people*

My life is online. My mother looks after me still and I can't even go to the doctors anymore. I must get a sick note from my doctor if I am to get any type of income at all.

My mum/mom is good but is pushing me now because she needs me to pay my part. The last few months I think of killing myself daily.

I don't drink alcohol, don't take drugs, don't drink any caffeine containing drinks, don't smoke. My only addiction is the computer which is my only source of life. I have no friends online, except 1 who is a gaming buddy (He is pretty much OK and has no social problems) which I can't talk to about this. Everyone I have become connected to (emotionally) online, I push them away by making them hate me. I don't do it manually, it just happens. I always make them hate me and when they go, I can never get them back. I have lost 3 people which I cared for because of my own ILLNESS!!! My mum/mom doesn't understand me when I try to tell her that I am so scared to see a doctor because they are important people.

I am running out of reasons to live. Right now, I feel I would rather die then go out to see a doctor. I am obsessed with rhinovirus/influenza (about catching them) because I almost died due to an unknown virus when I was younger.

I have phobia ontop of phobia ontop of more phobia problems. I really am lonely and believe that my ultimate cure would be to find someone who loves me the same as I love them, and still understands me for who I am, not my social problems.

Maybe I am wishfully thinking, but the situation looks so grim.

I have not left the house in 5 years...

GettingThere · Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 4:39 am Post subject:

You have said a lot there and i'll bet that it actually feels good to let things out. I believe that you should have a long talk to your mother to make sure that she knows exactly what you are going through. If she doesn't understand the dynamics of SA then show her some of the posting on this site.

I think that you will have to be brave and seek out more help in the way of therapy in particular.

With regards to the germ/virus phobia, all I can think of to tell you is to try to apply logic to the situation (I know that phobias defy logic). Think of all the people who travel outside each and every day. How many of them contract nasty illnesses? In other words consider it from a probability point of view. What are the chances of something happening?...so small that they are not worth considering.

Yossarian · Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 4:50 am Post subject:

Bloody hell, you have this bad. Not that you need me to tell you i spose.
I think im very similar apart form the going out (i have to for food...or more importantly fags and beer. They do have some benefits see?) and the hopelessness.

To be honest i dont have the words ..or even ideas to help. I would seriously suggest professional help. Fear isn't unconquerable. It maybe fucking hard ... so much harder than most people realise but it is conquerable. I hope coming here will help you but you need to start challenging your fear. Whether you see a professional, take meds or whatever you will at some point have to challenge your fear.

Sorry to repeat myself. And im hardly mister expert. But you must start taking small steps. Nothing huge. just small steps. I think it has to be consistent too. Not just every now and again but consistently. Shit i know but hey.... thats the way it seems to be. The longer you leave things the harder they will become.

Hmmm... first maybe you need to develop a fighting spirit. A desire to beat this. This may sound stupid but i know i give in too easily most of the time. I dont have enough desire sometimes.

Maybe you wont cure it all. But you can find a state where you can at least have a decent life. There is alot of good stuff in the world. Try and find some. Do things that you can, that make you happy. This should help you to see there are things worth fighting for.

I think too many people see their cure will be someone who loves them. It is great but love and relationships come with their own problems. Not that im saying its bad. Just ... in my opinion we have to help ourselves. We cant rely on others for support all the time. We must find a state where we can be strong alone. Then work towards a relationship. Or even if you are in a relationship, you should still try and work towards a freedom from fear.

I dunno. I wish i could magic away yours and everyone elses problems. Maybe someone else can help you more. But you can have what you dream about. Hold on to that and use it as motivation.

I think the first step is going outside maybe. Even if its just the doorstep for 5 minutes. Build up. All those things you hope for can come true. It will be hard and painfull but is it any more painfull than the life you/we have now?

There is no easy way im sorry. Or if there is i dont know about it. Dont give up tho. You are a long time dead. For all the pain you have had... use it .... you deserve some joy. Fight for it. Be brave. The world is not as scary as we think. It is full of good, kind loving people. But these people will not just come to our door. We have to find them.

Wish i could help you more. Im sorry. Be strong, be brave..... if your deepest dream is love then it can come true, no matter who you are. It may not be easy to find .... but it is possible. I wish you alot of luck. We can do this.

Ewiger_Schlaf · Newbie User Joined: Jan 26, 2005 Posts: 10

Hi MadCat,

maybe you have or could develop any ambitions, like making music, drawing, writing, whatever, that will distract you from your problems. It's what helps me, though I can't get anything done at times I'm really down...

blank · Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 2:37 pm Post subject:

I don't know the correct way to respond to this... but I'll try.
When I think of killing myself, I am at the point to where I don't care what my family will think when I am gone.
The rest of the time I try to associate with my parents as much as I can.
As you get older, time seems to move faster.Ten years used to seem like a long time ...now it seems like three. My dad just turned 50 and most people on his side of the family die in their 60s ...that means I have just a few years of quality time with my parents.
If you really want to *****, wait untill after they have gone because it won't be long.
I know that part of you must have some bitterness towards your mom/mum for not pushing you out into the real world. ( I certainly do - I was neglected as a child, only to be spoiled later in life. )
If you think about it, your mom/mum is just doing what she can.
You say that you have not left the house in five years. Too what extent ?
Right now as we speak, I am nervous because I have to cross the street and get some gas for my car.
I too never leave the house except to drive the two miles to my job. ( I could ride a bicycle, but there are no pathways for them ... and I go to work at 4:00 A:M. )
What do you do for a hobby ? What are you good at ?
Perhaps these things would allow you to work from home.
My father has the same thing as what we do, and has not worked in a decade. I know how hard it can be to try and find work with no experiance.
It is both encouraging and depressing to see all of you here with the same problems as I have.

When I read your post, it was as if I were looking in a mirror.
The differences between you and i are few.

Hang on there buddy. ( Why ? ..... because part of you is me, and I need to know how to get through this myself. )

Guest · Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 2:47 pm Post subject:

Hi Madcat, I certainly hope the SPW forum can be helpful and somewhat of a comfort to you!

I wanted to respond to you as soon as I read your post but I couldn't come up with the words I wanted to say, but Yossarian expessed them beautifully for me, so I'm glad I waited.

I just wanted to add that it's sounds as if money might be a scarcity which makes it tough to get a jump on your problems, especially since you already feel that you've burdened your Mother enough weith expenses--- so, I'd like to suggest using your internet and telephone book's "help' pages to start finding charitble organizations that would be willing to help you/your Mother without a fee. It appears to me that what you may really need right now more than someone to love you-- is a coach or therapist to come to your home and help you get out of the house. This would be a start in meeting the person you would like to have in your life!

I think we all would like to have that special someone in our lives to love us unconditionally.. but realisticly, to have them just 'appear' or come to us without seraching for them is a fairy tale.

I don't know your Mother, but I'm almost positive she loves you VERY MUCH. You may think sometimes that you would be doing her a favor if you weren't around to be a burden to her.. but trust me Madcat, you would be hurting your Mother SO VERY MUCH MORE than you think you might be NOW if you weren't around anymore. However, if you are able to obtain the help you and she so desperately need right now and conquer even half of your fears/phobias, think how proud she is going to be of you! When those suicidial thoughts come, push them right back out of your head because the hurt you would be causing your Mother if she knew you were even THINKING of them is far more devestating than the way the situation is at the present!

I was also thinking similarly to Ewiger_Schlaf with a hobby of sorts-- but better yet-- why not profit off of the hobby and feel you are contributing even just a little with the household expenses? Maybe you could study appliance repair on the internet and fix appliances for people, or make some 'craft type' items people would buy. Some remarkably beautiful jewelery and flower arragements are created by men and there is nothing feminine about it. I know men that are married w/children, but they are incredibly good a needlecraft! If you decide to go this route which I think would be splendid, just don't put aside that you need to focus on your other issues as well. If you sincerely want to help out, this would be the biggest and BEST way you can do that!

Sometimes, things seems to come easy to others, and admittingly, they are fortunate people, but face the fact that you may not be one of those fortunate persons and you will need to work and fight to get what you desire. Make up your mind once and for all and then DO IT, and don't let anything stand in your way, no matter how small, just say you might be thinking you haven't the space to take on a hobby, make the space!
Ditch all of the negative thoughts that are going to attempt to talk you out of all of the suggestions everyone has given you! If you feel weak or need encouragement, ask for it here at SPW... I'm certain someone will be more than willing to give it to you!

Go for it Madcat, and don't say "I can't", say "I WILL!". Once you have succeeded you will have learned and will be the better person for working and fighting to achieve your goals! (I promise!)

Did you read the posts made here by Horatio? He would not be where he is today attempting to make his dreams come true if he listened to the negative thoughts. Horatios goals and challenges are every bit as imporant as yours are, even if the first one is to walk to the end of your walkway or around the house! Think of Horatio and allow him to be your inspiration. Think of yourself as going to war against the enemy, and go into the war with thoughts of fighting and winning, equip yourself with all of the 'artillery' and GO TO WAR Madcat!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

MadCat · Guest

Thanks for all your replies. Maybe I should go into detail about how this all started, so I can get this off my chest.

My Dad is/was abusive and beat my mother for years and years until he almost killed her, I was 9 years old then. She was in hospital because of internal bleeding in her brain that was caused by head trauma. Before this, he had slammed her head against a rock 20 times and the next day she was rushed to hospital. I don't have the time to go into all the technical facts, but she had a 20% chance to survive. But she stayed with her abuser for years and years after because of his manipulation and control.

He stopped the physical abuse but upgraded the psychological on all of us, including my sister. She has Social Phobia too, but it was never as bad as me and she is almost better I think.

Anyway, it's also hard for me to talk to her because she doesn't live in this country anymore (Which I'll go into detail later) and she has pretty bad Premenstraul (spelling?) Tension before and during her period (Which makes he ill quite alot).

By the age of 11, I was so attached to my Mum (Mom for you Americans Smile

that I could not go to school anymore because I was scared of what may happen to her with my Dad. When she dropped me off at school I used to cry as I went into school and often during class. It was too much for me to be apart from her and this is where the problems really started.

She pulled me out of school to give me home teaching but that didn't work so well, due to my Dad being an alcoholic 24/7 and it was impossible to do any schooling. By 12 years old, I became pretty much obsolete to everything outside as I had no schooling anymore or all my friends from school had moved on. At that time, all I had was my Mum and Sis.

My sister is 3 years older then me and by the time I was 14 and she was 17, she met a 41 year old guy online and he moved over to England. He was an abuser like my Dad and eventually my Dad forced them on the streets by getting them kicked out their flat/apartment. My Mum had to take both of them in or else my sis would of stayed homeless because she was being controlled so much.

At 15 I became anti-social with everyone and slept during the day and slept during night. I locked myself in my room 24/7 because I hated abusers and never wanted to be in the same room as my sisters *husband* (they married, did I mention that?).

This happened for about a year, until my sister split up with him and found someone she believes she loves online (another person in their 40's), who just so happened to be another female. She moved to Canada at around 18 and has lived there ever since. I was on my own, because my Mum was dealing with Mr. Dad mother fucking abusing bastard who was cheating on her and was making it extremely hard for her to get a divorce.

Anyway, I think that's the background on it all.

At 15-16 I could not go outside because of the fear of people. When a visitor comes rarely, I am scared shitless and I will not come down to see them..ever!

When I get put into a situation where I meet someone at the door (Which only happens when I get caught by them) I am aware of every action I do. I swallow, I sweat, I never make eye contact. I try not to be afraid so they don't catch on, but I only make myself look more obvious to them. I stutter too, which makes them think I'm retarded or something.

SOmetimes I wonder..If I can't make friends online, or even keep them for long, wtf is it like in hell itself (reality)..

I can't talk to people using the Mic, as I am always correcting myself and they get annoyed. When I say something wrong I go into too much depth about why I said it wrong, which makes them think I am mad.

I just want a friend at the moment Sad

I am cursed to not have any or even one. I have no idea how I could ever get any help because I can't even use the phone. See, it's not just about being scared, it's about not knowing.

I lost my ability to communicate during my early/mid/late teens. It became part of my growing life not to talk to people so I technically haven't developed any social skills. I can be social online, but very limited. I freeze up when simple questions like "What do you like for fun?".

I mean, I only know one thing..The PC and playing games 24/7.

If I tell them that, they tell me to get a life. But here's the big anti-social bit-

I go into detail about what "life" means and how I already have "life". While I feel much better, iI think it makes myself look even more stupid.

LMAO I can't even write. Hell, I don't even know the English language very well because I have never had much of an education. I've had to learn about some little grammar and spelling during my time on the computer :/

I do have one thing I'd like to do and that is screw around with quantum physics. But that's not really a goal to aim for lol

Seriously, all I have on my mind is playing online games all day and only stopping to eat, drink, piss, shit and sleep.

The moment I can't use the PC for more then 5 hours, I start planning my death. It is my only escape from reality, where I can make myself something I am not. I can be better then anyone online and they can't see completely through my disguise.

I'm SICK and fucking tired of these bitches who read textbooks all the time and think they know how to cure psychological problems. I mean, no offense to anyone here, but WTF! I am obviously flawed in ths type of logic but it's like embedded in me. I have build a wall of immunity from outside help, it just couldn't work on me.

Maybe this is a combination of other things, but the last few years I have changed the way I want things. I no more wish to be integrated into society like everyone else. I have started seeing everyone else as the losers and not myself.

My own minds defense? I have no idea, but I feel now that my Social Phobia (Self-diagnosis btw) is expanding or evolving into something even greater. Maybe I truly am heading for total insanity.

Maybe I should end it all now, to stop the pain and suffering. I hate almost everyone now. This is like my last place that I don't hate when I first came here yesterday.

My I can save at least some of what is left of me. ArghHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MadCat · Guest

Hey Guest, thanks for reply. My problem is mainly not being able to get the help I need. I am pretty sure there is like almost zero help here in the South West part of England. I can't write, pick up the phone, nothing. All I have is the internet and I really have no idea where to start making money. I've tried lots of stupid stuff like making websites and other things but I never complete them because I get depressed and must get back to my gaming.

Basically, if my mother died or something now, I would have nothing at all. Money is a big problem, but I can't seem to get it. :sigh:

I hate this biased world, why do they hate/kill what they can't understand. The hate probably boils down to jealousy I suppose.

Anyway, I don't want to party and all that kind of stuff. But I would like to survive on my own, which I can't even do on the basic level.

blank · Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 3:04 pm Post subject:

Wow.
How is you mum doing today ?
I can see she really needs you.

MrMr · Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 4:04 pm Post subject:

Forget about making money for now.It's not a crime to claim the dole.The first step is to get some help,get yourself down to your gp and explain all the things you have stated here.it sounds like you used to go to your gp,but your scared to go now.but you really should go this once and explore the options available.sounds like you could really benefit from some therapy.i know it's hard,but hey think of the alternative!

I know how easy it is to get hooked on the internet,i've been there spending all evening every evening online to the point where i didn't even watch tv anymore.so try to wean yourself off this also,a little bit at a time.you will soon find that you will find interest in other things like tv reading,hobies.it's ok to use the net,but it's no fun when you get hooked.
try not to think about the negative things in your life and try to think on the positive things,you are lucky to have a caring mother.you really should talk things over with her if you can.i know this is not easy,as us sa sufferers tend not to be open or close to people.i mean i have a loving mother,but i can't really talk to her openly,but i did tell her that i had sa and that i was going to therapy.you wouldn't beleive how good it felt to get it off my chest and how good it felt when i plucked up the courage to go to my gp,he has been most supportive. Smile