I really do recomend you read this

this-is-why-im-hot · Newbie User Joined: Jul 20, 2007 Posts: 33

Hi, i really do reconmend u read this and you might not of heard recomendations quite like it.
The worst thing you can proberly do is set goals in your mind, they never work.
before i begin i would like you to know i speak from experience, ive re-invented myself so many times its sick lol but ill tell you what helped, and more importantly what didnt!
It can often be hard to get yourself out of a habbit, and type of behaviour is learned! ofcourse are personalitys i like to belive are uniquely are own, its the way we express them that we learn. like shyness, this is something you have learned and internalised creating a repeat pattern. thats the science, one u look at it like that, thats the first step of comming to terms with it. now what do we do about it if we wish to change that?

I strongly reccomend before u begin anything social, you work on yourself first, coz end of the day if u jump in the deep end, u will drown. its that thing again, if u look to others to find happiness in yourself, it will be a rocky ride.
So to start off with i recomend building your self esteem and confidence first, for this i reccomend going on amazon.com/co.uk and purshasing yourself and hypnosis cd (it works miracles i tell ya) get one titled something about self confidence and social confidence, but make sure its got self on there. mine had both which is handy. the point if this first step is first getting to the core of the problem, tackling it from the inside out. this if u put it on before bed, lie down relax, once u nodd of and its playing, it will go straight into your uncoinsience, where as most of us kno, all these problems r rooted. i also recomend paul mckenna he's very good.

Now give this a few weeks before doing anything else, u will slowly see a slight more optimistic attitude, which is what u need, not a positive one, or negative, just optimistic. then i suggest figuring out what u like about u! i dont mean in comparison to others, just purely you. then i recomend you set yourself targets, things you want to achieve wether it be college, new job whatever, this boasts confidence just going for something!

then before u tackle the social side of things, i suggest reading about 'assertive communication' ull probs come accross other types of communication styles, when u do ull see why the assertive type is the best, its the one that boasts ur self esteem through conversation without lowing that of others, which in return builds rupport, which again u recieve more self confidence!

End of the day people, u deserve to be happy. the world is superficial, on the outside, but to get on in the inside, u have to play the game. so dedicate your time u spend feeling bad about yourselfs, in learning how to feel good about yourself! it is possible. all the above i have tried and tested. i looked in all the wrong places, i tried bein a people pleaser putting them before me, but this looses respect, ive tried anti depressants, but my problem was makin me depressed, not the other way round, hell i even tried bein the life and sole at the clubs, but people arent that superficail to that be thats all they want in a friend. i just couldnt quite click why i struggled so much! but all along it was my self esteem, how i communcated with others, in a vicous circle, building your self woth and learning how to positvely communcate is key!

i would like to know if anyone is going to try this and then be even more delighted to now how you get on!

thanks for your time

sabbath92001

Vancouver · Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:25 pm Post subject:

Believe it or not, for a shy or socially anxious person, seeking confidence really does nothing at all in the long run. At least it never did for me anyway. Why? Because it keeps you focused on the issue. It makes you think you're not okay just the way you are.

"I strongly reccomend before u begin anything social, you work on yourself first, coz end of the day if u jump in the deep end, u will drown."

I strongly disagree with this statement. No matter what, you're going to drown. Trying to escape the fear is pointless, as it's part of the process. Besides, you give more power to fear when it's your main focus. Just accept it, and get over it. It happens to everybody.

I'm not trying to rip apart your post here, all i'm saying is you're writing about optimism. Optimism isn't the key to getting rid of social anxiety. Neither is negativity. You need a realistic balance, and a knowledge that you're going to fuck up tons of times along the way, but it's okay. Just know that nobody else is going to dwell on them, so you shouldn't either. However, you're right about the people pleaser thing. It's a waste of time. Not because of the whole 'Boohoo, nobody respects me anymore' scenario, but because it's absolutely pointless to get stepped on for no reason.

I liked some parts of your post, but some I couldn't read. Try a spellcheck next time!

flake__

rado31 · Expert User Joined: Sep 15, 2006 Posts: 693

Well, first sorry for my inconsistency : I'm back...

I must admit that i thought very much of a meaning of this-is-why-i-m-hot post. In a good way.

Yes, basic is accpetance. I accept my fear [.you know when they say you "Dont be affraid" . Au contraire : why dont you Accept your fear .. ] . I read flake__ that you wrote that you love your SP , and that is good i think . No matter how ridicule are, fear is a part of yourself. If you want to change a attitude towards it, first you have to accept the fact that fear exists in you. And then if it is possible, change something..

I also read a sabbath's post on act..it seemes fine, i'll try to look out literature he mentioned in my language which is not so possible : [

I Personally i dont find Paul Mc Keena useful for me, but it is my case.

sar_sarz · Newbie User Joined: Nov 06, 2007 Posts: 13

[quote="Vancouver"]Believe it or not, for a shy or socially anxious person, seeking confidence really does nothing at all in the long run. At least it never did for me anyway. Why? Because it keeps you focused on the issue. It makes you think you're not okay just the way you are.

Well you cant talk fo everyone, i have little confidence and would love to be more confident, ive even tried hypnosis and it did work for a bit.
I was actually looking for a self hypnosis cd yesterday on ebay and was thinking about a Paul McKenna one.
F*ck the spelling I liked your post, I think it will def help some people and I like to know how people get over their fears and feel good about themselves.

phoenix1 · Intermediate User Joined: Oct 27, 2006 Posts: 128

Oh I remember 'this-is-why-I'm-hot'. She was quite funny. I think she left about 6 months ago. So many people come and so many people go.

The thing about confidence is that you gain confidence in what you are trying to achieve. If we are socially anxious, then our mind is focused on stopping suffering or stopping the pain. Our confidence is based off that as well. The problem is that we fail to stop the pain every single day because its the nature of SA. We can't stop the pain, and the more we try, the more pain we get. So confidence is a one way streak..downwards.

It all depends on what you desire or want. If you focus is on the effort to stop being anxious or scared, then your confidence is going to be extremely low, because its not possible to stop it. If your focus is on actually getting better and doing well, then you actually have the *opportunity* to gain some measure of confidence. It's all about what it is you are trying to get to.

Lea · Intermediate User Joined: Mar 08, 2008 Posts: 235

I think she is back now under another name Smile

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Marie_knowsbest · Intermediate User Joined: Apr 27, 2008 Posts: 139

ya know i forgot i even made this post lol!! it probs was a good 9 months ago or something??
but how much i believe in what i said has not changed at all! im not one of these people who will give advice that i would not use myself, most of my advice is through what i have dont myself!!
ive also expanded alot on this as well.
i put up a post maybe a few days ago saying something along the lines of 'do what u fear most' because again, conquering your fears gives you so much confidence you would not believe!!

to be honest what i feared most of all, above anything!! was starting work back in my old home town, wether i would fit back in ok, and because its a small town, wether i would now stick out! to some of you that might even sound silly, but to me, like your SA, it was very real, i couldnt sleep the night before!! but ive just finished my first week and its gone great!! i dont know what i was even worrying about!! ive been meaning to do this for 3 years btw! i always felt bitter about myself that i didnt, now i have i tell ya what, feels like a load has been lifted!!

its amzing how much we torture ourselfs which then prevents us from getting what we really want, just becauase we dont believe in ourselfs!

so reading what some of you have put. doing the 'jump in the deep end bit' might workbetter for some of you, but taking it slow and working on gaining more trust with yourselfs (because lets face it, preventing yourselfs from doing what u want most, ur basicly saying you dont trust yourself to do it well and benefit from it) i think with the same prinicples, create your own action plans, coz only u kow what will work for you!!

and thanks for those who didnt cuss my crappy spelling lol i got alot of stick for that on another thread......lol.