I dont know what to do

Tyguy · Newbie User Joined: Jan 22, 2008 Posts: 5

I'm in no way an open person, verbally or emotionally. However, I feel I've reached an impasse in my life and I cant get around it. I have had forms of OCD since I was about 13. It started as getting things caught in my head and not being able to get rid of them. From there is escalated into nervous facial ticks. I would blink my eyes uncontrollably hard to relieve the feeling I was experiencing. It eventually turned into my repeating/avoiding things frequently. For example, putting on a pair of socks is a chore sometimes as I will attempt to put them on, then my mind tells me if I wear these socks something bad will happen. This “bad” feeling mutates into about anything, usually the loss of a loved one or something to that affect. I have had good days and bad days, but lately every day has been bad.

I attended college a few years ago and was academically severed for my grades. I’m not a slacker and im not stupid, but when your mind is telling you to rip up a page of notes you worked on for an hour, it tends to affect the learning process. So after that, I started working at a bar on the weekends making somewhat good money, although not good enough to move out of my parents home and into the real world. Luckily I was able to acquire a job at a University as a staff assistant which was the first good news to affect me in a long time. I make decent money, not great, but it beats working at a bar on the weekends while your friends are out having fun.

I don’t know when/why it hit me, but I recently started getting panic attacks which would cause me to have complete nervous breakdowns during work. Id be in the bathroom stall for sobbing and hating my life. I sometimes don’t eat for days and don’t ever want to get up in the morning. I am trying to finish my degree, although I have almost 2 years worth of credits top finish and working a full time job makes it difficult to finish anytime soon. I constantly worry that I wont finish school and that my friends will move on with their lives while I am stuck behind, just barely getting by financially. For about a few months now I completely lost all will to live, I do things that are dangerous without caring and I put myself in situations that most people wouldn’t dream of. Just last night I took a half bottle of valium, wrote a letter to my friends and family, and hoped I wouldn’t wake up.

I have never considered myself crazy/suicidal but then again, I have never felt this bad for so long. I feel like I don’t belong in this world and there’s is no escape. Its not my nature to whine about how my life sucks in the hope someone feels the least amount of sympathy for me, but I really need to get it off my chest. I have been seeing a therapist for the past few weeks, but it does nothing to me. I cant be open the way I need to be with him, so I just sit there and count the minutes until the session is over. I have tried Zoloft, prozac..etc…but they don’t do anything, and the sexual side affects are something I don’t want to deal with. I have a girlfriend who I love and I am afraid she will leave me if these so called side affect start hampering the time we append with each other.

Again, im sorry this post is long….i just need an outlet. I used to be a happy kid, but now im a 23 year old asthmatic with peanut/cat/dog allergies who cant figure out what to do. Even the military is out of the question for me because I have asthma…..

I commend you for caring enough to read to this point. If you have any input, ids greatly appreciate it.

luke12 · Newbie User Joined: Dec 22, 2007 Posts: 8

May I ask what sorts of things used to get stuck in your head back when you were 13?

Tyguy · Newbie User Joined: Jan 22, 2008 Posts: 5

just random crap that i wouldnt want to be in my head....nothing in particular

luke12 · Newbie User Joined: Dec 22, 2007 Posts: 8

wow thats what i got at the moment Crying or Very sad

It really sucks and ive got no idea what it is.

Tyguy · Newbie User Joined: Jan 22, 2008 Posts: 5

When you try and not think of something, you think of it...theres no way around it...but when you are consistently worrying that you wont forget it, it adds to the frustration

Anyway...today is somewhat a better day. Yesterday I was almost considering driving my car into a pole. The worst part is, im the type of person who would laugh at people like me...

Tyguy · Newbie User Joined: Jan 22, 2008 Posts: 5

guess this is the wrong forum to seek help :/

Musicocd · Newbie User Joined: May 16, 2007 Posts: 57

Yes, unfortunately you will rarely receive good advice on this forum. People just tend to read posts and never reply.

Try www.ocdforums.org

Those forums are run my the national OCD charity, they have trained administrators who, although they cannot diagnose you, can point you in the right direction to get help.
Good luck!

Tyguy · Newbie User Joined: Jan 22, 2008 Posts: 5

thanks alot