Tired of always screwing things up? Post here

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

My life is set up but the boat can be rocked very easily.... If i go into labor im screwed. If ruben messes with my life...ill be ok...just dont want to deal with it right now. I'm really tired of waiting but i don't want things to change... hmmmm. that is all

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

Well ruben came over and radomly had sex with me and now he's trying to make me feel bad for wanting to tell his girlfriend. I want to tell her for fear that he might do the same thing he did to me to her and she doesnt need that....No body does. Especially me! Yes, i still love him and am unsure about wanting him back or not. He says i make him miss me by talking to him. I hardly ever talk to him. We had one civil convo in the past two weeks and now i'm all of a sudden hitting on him....yeah right. I'm so sick of him thinking he can get away with anything like he has no consequences but at the same time it's not my place to judge him...chastize him maybe , but not judge him. I know its not my place to ruin his life even though he has ruined mine....thats revenge. But what the hell am i supposed to do? That stays inline with my religion? Jen is going to find out eventually....ruben sucks at keeping secrets worse than i do. I have decided the way that the way i'm going to decide is by posting on yahoo answers and pray. that will at least help...but i know it's my choice. And to think ruben thinks i'm tring to black mail me and offered me 100 dollars to keep my mouth shut. Which would help me out but i'm more afraid of the karma than anything taking a bribe from a cheater. Which makes me feel even more like a whore. Jesus i can't win for losing with him or anybody. PAUSE....

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

I tx her a ringtone and she asked me are you really trying to screw him? I said no because i'm not...thats just not me. Then i started telling her then i called her and before you knew it she was saying she already knew.....fheeeewwwww. What a relief, so now were ok and i think she might give ruben the can. I feel like crap both ways and arrrgggghhhh why am i always in the middle? i'm gonna get it i just know i'm gonna get it.... but theres nothing to do but move on i guess....i'm so sick to my stomache right now....she probably hates me and to be honest i don't care if ruben hates me but i care if jen hates me. She doesn't deserve all of this crap. She is supposed to be marring the man not dealing with his exwife and his manipulative crap all the time it's just not right. GOD....I'm so sorry jen. I should have kept my mouth shut but i don't regret telling her. I'm doing it for me and my pride and my kids pride and to let the future generations know it's not ok to do this to women. Yes i'm talking to all you rubens out there! you cant just pick and choose when and where to switch families. Its just not right.

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

I know it's none of my bizzness but i don't know anything yet on what happened yesterday. I want to know if she nailed him or if she's ok or if she let him worm his way back into her life or if he even got booted out for at least a minute! I feel like i have done something wrong and something right at the same time. I know he shouldnt get away with what he has done and Jen deserves to know but on the other hand i'm screwing myself in the process...If jen does nothing ruben will have no respect for her which in turn will pass on to my kids and eventually this swapping families thing will turn into a curse. If jen does something then ruben might try and work his way back into my life and i'm not sure i'm ready for that. Why do you think i waited so long to tell her in the first place? I need time to love him less and start grieving again before he tries to sweep me off my feet again. I'm so worried about the whole thing i can barely sleep or eat. I feel like i just screwed everybody by stopping the games and leaving highschool for a change. What he is doing is wrong and i want no part of it. Yeah i know i slept with him. You don't know this man he is so charming and manipulative it's almost impossible for any let alone his ex woman to say anything other than yes please. I told him to stop and i said no but he kept going and would practically kiss me just to keep my mouth closed. Then it just proceeded and i gave up. As i do everytime. I did however sleep with him twice this year and actually want and enjoy it but he gave me the impression we were getting back together. I missed him at the time and now i kinda don't anymore. I just want to find someone new that wont hurt me like he does. Someone safe and trustworthy. Who doesn't need anything but a womans love and respect to be happy. No codependence, no drugs, no alcohol, no hitting, verbal abuse, games or manipulations. Just a man who knows what he wants and works hard to get it. Who appreciates what he has and thanks god for it not curses god cuz he doesn't have more. Sure i like fancy things but it's just not worth as much as people think it is. If i could keep a house clean all the time and gave good head and had money ruben would con me just as bad as he does jen. I really don't think he actually has compassion for actual people he just gets lonely and misses attention and sex and cuddles and doesnt even recollet his own life. the previous isn't an insult to jen... he did the same thing to me...my ex cheated and i went a year without anyone and was to the point where i didn't really look for love and he came along and made me his world. How can any broken hearted mom resist that including jen. I'm sure ruben is so beyond pissed at me.... Im sorry hun but keep your dirty penis away from me and stuff like that wont happen. I don't enjoy being in control all the time! you put me there because your afraid to be in control all the time. You have to screw up and make others feel bad because it draws you even more attention and drama and you for some odd odd reason feed off of that. What the hell is wrong with you? You try so hard for a normal life and then you make life changing desicions in the blink of an eye! You would think that you would THINK before you came to your ex wives house and slept with her! The first thing that would pop into my head would be what if she tells on me? The first thing that pops into your head is she hasent told so far so lets go use her some more while i still have the chance. Then he might add something irrational to make him feel better for his deed like i'll quit this when i'm divorced or when i marry her! His thought process is that of a 14 yr old procratinating teenager with adhd and twice the normal testosterone! I should be in the corporate world and he should be in here in adult basic ed. Ok this is a blog and not a rant room. I will find out eventually.... Yeah never know.... she might grow some balls and leave him. Might not....never know do ya?

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

Alright.....here it comes...the good news is i have word the bad news is i don't even think she has told him yet! She says that she hasent decided on what to do yet....but i'm not sure if that means he knows or if that means she hasnt decided whether or not to leave him.... again ..what the hell? cmon jen...quit thinking about ruben think about yourself for once thats the only reason you havent kicked him yet is because the love blinds you. You need to think about his cycle!! we have slept together once a month or more since i left him! here take a spare Idea

you need it. I'm starting to wonder about her reasons for being with him? what do you just feel bad for him and have gotten comfortable? he won't ever ever in a million years stop! never ever ever!!! TRUST ME. He averages 1 and 1/4 women a year in cheating...which brings me to my next point! what if theres a third party! the fourth may mean hes just thinking about it. this is crazy...... Rolling Eyes

You don't want this. Anyways.....i told her she can talk if she wants to....love you bunches too korie

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

Ya know I still don't think that Jen has told Ruben yet! I feel used both ways... Jen knows and got that information out of me for her own personal reasons and Ruben averages sex with me at least once a month! Here is the really sad part...I still love Ruben and i still love Jen but i'm starting to realize thats only because they are all I have right now. I think that if I had a boyfriend and more friends i wouldn't be able to stand either one of them. I went through an old cell phone last night and had seen some really happy pictures of our family when it first started. I really wanted to burst into tears but i think i'm still kinda numb about things. The phone goes so far back in some of the pictures i'm only pregnant with Colin. Zoey wasn't even a thought yet and ryan is not even two yet! I have been through so much stuff with that man and done so much for him. I know he was crappy at times well....alot of the time to be honest. He is really fun and a go getter. I love that about him... Now i'm sure you can see my dilema... I'm still in love with him and I can't get rid of that feeling no matter how hard I try. I can name equal a thousand reasons to be with him and not to be with him and I can see now why Jen just lets him walk all over her....It's because we want it and we think it's cute when he has no idea what he's doing or saying and thinks he can control us. Well... sometimes at least. I wish i had some way to get over him but the only things I can come up with is time and find a new guy that will treat me like a princess like I deserve. Like previosly mentioned...AGONY AGONY

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

Well i know this may seem crazy but i feel like all the hope in my life is still there and even when i know i'm in pain i have people who care about me and wish they could take it away. Today is a better day... I finally allowed myself to cry last night. Thank God! I really had to force it but i have so much pent up the twenty tears i let out probably helped me alot. Why? Because i feel better. If you know what your problems are and know how to fix them or if you can for that matter then their easier to deal with. I know that time will heal what i feel for my husband and i know i'm going through a divorce... I think my best course of action is to just stay away from him and not let all the feelings pop up all the time. I need to do what my best friend say and close my eyes take a deep breath and love him one last time and then square my sholders and open my eyes and walk forward. wow just typing that makes me wanna cry... But good tears though. I need to start thinking like that. Love is and was for me a beautiful thing filled with hurt and pain and lonelyness and also happyness good memories and some really pasionete off the wall sex. I have shared more with ruben than my current best friend. (sorry gal) He (when i was with him) really listened to me and heard the feelings along with the words....he is really perceptive. Which is why i wonder why he doesn't know what i'm going through right now he could always read me better than i could myself. My BFF is slowly replacing that function.....aww crap...i'm gonna cry again. ..... I'm in class..!!! quit it. I was just thinking about how my bff kissed me on the cheek after laying colin down....not a lesbo thing trust me(if it was i woulda grabbed her dirty pillows) It was a hey! i'm here and your gonna be ok... you can do this Chris kinda thing. I was so touched. She and she alone knows what i'm going through. Our stories are so similar anyways it's just freakin crazy! Well i might post twice today.... never know do ya

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

Ruben,
When I found your filing reciept for our divorce i was so floored. I never actually thought we would actually a divorce. I'm so sorry things happened the way they did, but i'm ready to let you go. I hope you and Jennifer have a life together and you can find peace. It has been really hard for me to move on now that I have stopped carrying around all the resentment and anger that goes along with what were going through, I find myself left with all the happy memories that we have shared together. Those hurt the most. I know that we have had alot of good and bad memories and i try to balence them which adds to my misery. Now that reality has set in i will try to take this for what it is and stop trying to make it something it is not. I will leave you alone and let you live your life with her in peace and stop trying to hurt you and seek revenge. I forgive you Ruben. I hope you take the time to do the same. For yourself and to forgive me. I will never again make the mistake of not getting help before it's to late. If anyone ever becomes unfaithful in future relationships, I will not give them the indication that it's something acceptable. I will no longer harbor feelings of hate twoards anyone. I hope we never make the mistakes and hurt the people we love like we did when we gave up on eachother. Don't give up on Jen. I know she loves you and will make a good wife. Please tell the children that you still love me as their mother and not as a wife and i will do the same. When they grow up.... I will not tell them you commited adultery. I will leave that descion up to you. I don't think i could anyways. Please don't ever try to get back with me as it will hurt more than it's worth. In conclusion, i love you and thanks.
Your Ex wife

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

I personally am a hormonal nightmare. I can't figure out anything that is thrown at me because i can't think straight. I even am being hormonal twoads my closest friends which really sucks cuz i know they would never try to hurt me. I can't stop thinking about Ruben. I have no idea why, I'm trying to allow myself to feel the pain so i can move on but it hurts so bad I can barely take it anymore. He occupies every free moment i hae with memories of our past. Mainly how we were when we lived in Kansas. I remember being 7 or 8 months pregnant with Zoey..my baby girl and moving out of hayes dr. He worked night so i had to litterally stay up all night to pack. And when we left things were abit rocky as we had no idea where we were moving too. My God i miss him so bad. I wish there was something I could do to get him back or even to make him look at me like i'm a person and not a tramp. I hate that i'm not a tramp. I'm not doing anything wrong. Why can't even in divorce he accept me for who I am? I am a beautiful intelligent person who makes some mistakes. Now every time i talk to him he makes it well known he's with Jen..EVERYTIME!!!! uhhh... duhh i think I get it by now you guys have been together for the past 6 months. Your engaged. I have no idea when this will ever stop. I don't want to force myself to get over him because then people generally get numb and don't care about anything. I want to feel the pain so I never have to feel it again. Please God.....I'm praying God will hurry up and give me patience. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. Well thats about it for today. Goodbye self.