Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 5:18 am Post subject: the "whatever" journal
I usually have a lot in my mind that I can't even share to others because it might seem pathetic for them. And I was grateful for this site because this is my only "outlet". But then I am tired of making NEW TOPICS everytime I feel like writing my thoughts, and it's all so scattered that I have to browse and browse just to see those previous things that I wrote.
And I sometimes have the feeling that people in here are getting bored and annoyed by my username everytime I post a new topic! (although it was unreasonable for me to think like that... hehe!)
AND SO FROM NOW ON, this would be my own space.... the so-called "whatever" journal!
PS. comments and replies are still welcome, and much appreciated
Feb. 17, 2008
1230
There was a christening celebration in our neighbor's house and I was invited (through a close friend) to have lunch with them.... and i declined. I said that i still have to finish my school project that is due tom. (which is true, except that I'm not really that busy)... and now I feel so guilty because I have to make that lame excuse just to avoid going there. I mean, part of me says that I should come because it's like a "social obligation", and anyway, it wouldn't be that long because I just have to eat with them. But then part of me also says that I don't really like to go because I am not close with that neighbor and... honestly, I don't really feel like having lunch in other people's house. But maybe if my sister was with me, I would have the courage to accept their invitation even just for "NICENESS" sake. (unfortunately, she's in their choir practice). And so there.
I just hope that they would not think that I'm rude. I mean, they knew that I'm an introvert so I suppose that they haven't expected for me to come. What's just bothering me is that a close friend was the one who invited, and he look dissapointed when i refused. He even said that "you're always like that"... I know that he didn't believe me, and when I partly said that I'm shy, he reacted like it was the most incredible thing to say .... oh well...
Last edited by wingcharm on Sat May 10, 2008 5:05 am; edited 6 times in total
What is the matter with you wingcharm?! When will you be contented? Everyday, you always say "This is it! I'll start a brand new life!" and then you'll act energetic and lively... but at the end of the day you'll get bored and dissapointed, and you'll say "Ok, I'll just wait for tomorrow to start again!" and then you go to your room, doing all the laziness without even thinking of finishing your homeworks or your duties for tomorrow... heck! you always do that! You always start but doesn't accomplish anything! And so you always start the following day having high hopes but getting panicky because you have to cram for being such a lazy and crazy dork! I can't even think how you survive these stress that you're making to yourself! I mean, like today... I haven't seen anything that could ruin your day but you still feel uncontented and so you say,"I'll wait for tomorrow AGAIN, and this is it, no doubt"... but it's just a pattern... because I know, you'll get bored AGAIN tomorrow. I don't understand you! What are you looking for anyway? What is a perfect day for you, actually? What could give you the drive to be consistent? So you are here writing all this craziness because you are tired of that life.... but you made that life! Oh! you are really hopeless!!! .... no, I don't really wanna say that... there is still tomorrow... keep up that HOPE! ... or whatever!
That really made me smile Wingcharm, that monologue is something I can relate to almost perfectly the same. Day after day, some promises, same rollercoaster ride of motivation.
Haha, I really could not put it better myself. Enjoyable read, keep up the craziness.
_________________ Intellectual honesty is characterized by a readiness to scrutinize what one believes to be true, and to pay sufficient attention to other evidence available
This is really weird... As time goes by, I'm getting more scared of myself.
Heck! even the idea of getting scared of myself is already eccentric...
but it's true!... I AM SCARED OF MYSELF! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME! I AM TRAPPED!
If my life's pattern won't change,I know my impending doom will come soon!!!
and I don't want that!!! This is totally crazy!!!
PLEASE GIVE ME A MAGIC REMOTE CONTROL
AND LET SOME RESPONSIBLE PERSON CONTROL MY LIFE EVEN JUST UNTIL I GRADUATE IN COLLEGE!
Joined: Nov 19, 2007 Posts: 121 Location: England - home of tea, rain and roses!
Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject:
you're not crazy - i scare myself sometimes. I feel like i am going to die soon. I am just so convinced that i'm going to have killed myself before i reach twenty five - i feel this so strongly, it's almost as if it's a premonition. Nothing is my life is changing for the better, and i feel trapped too.
Sometimes i feel that the only solution is to die but i know o will never kill my self, just because i am a coward.
So i go on draging myself trought life waiting that some day something fantastic happens and everything changes. very phatetic i know but its just the way SA makes us feel. Completly powerless at the simple things of life.
I meen, for example i have to make a call at my job to speek to a person i dont know about a subject that is not very complicated, and i have been delaying that call for almost a month. its so ridiculous.
One word that confuses me is when they say
to me that "I really miss you!"... It might be okay
if I hear it from a long lost friend or acquaintance.
But what is it that people see in me to make them say that
they really miss me? It is just so weird...Like
Two of my former groupmates often say those words to me when they
see me. They even text me out of the blue to say that!
someone even said to me that they wanted to be my permanent
groupmate. But we're not even close! I mean... it kind'a
scares me that they show a lot of affection, that they like me so much
without knowing why they like me that much?! I'm not even sure if i
really like them. And it makes me feel so guilty to myself.
My close neighbor friend say it to me everytime we met or he visits.
he even tell it in the net... but you see, we're neighbors!
How could he miss me?!!
One of my schoolmate even shrieks when she sees me and says "Oh,
I really miss you!" and then... hugs me??? i could not even think
of a time that we really had a bonding moment. But with her reaction,
it was all so confusing!
And the weirdest part is... The majority of the comments in my friendster
account is... "I really miss you!". Really weeeeeeeeiiiiird!! It's because
the majority of my friends there are classmates. And they see me all
the time!
I badly wanted to ask them why they often say that word to me.
But I hesitate because it's equally weird to ask that question to them.
I like it when I hear those words from people, and equally surprised,
and confused, and kind'a guilty because i don't really feel that
much for them. i can't even say in return that "I miss them too" because
I don't really feel like saying it. I only reply in a joking way the word
"really?!"... and it makes me twice guilty (but gladly they don't notice it)
I know I should not think about it, it's not really a big deal. I should be
thankful because they appreciate me. But... it's really a biiiig question mark!
Please give me one good chance to start over again
because I don't wanna give up.
Although it feels like I'm always trying in vain,
my stubborn self won't still give up! I won't!
If you'll just give me that chance, maybe I'll do better, maybe
I won't whine anymore, maybe I'll be more tolerant,
maybe I'll be more patient, maybe I'll be satisfied and maybe
I'll be able to accept reality.
You see, I'm still in doubt because I don't want to make any promises.
I am so vulnerable, I might break it again and i don't want to
have a pile of broken promises.
But you see, i am trying to stay. I really do!
So if I ever fail again,please be patient to me and never
hesitate to give me another chance to prove to you that I could
live a real life. You might think Im nuts but this craziness is
my only drive to live. If I'm not crazy, I won't be giving you
this letter because I know I won't exist anymore....
I just woke up and the first thing that came to
my mind is to go here because I feel very anxious these days.
I just ignored this feeling lately hoping that it would
pass by
but now I woke up feeling kind'a panicky. So there.
I'm a college student and I'm going to graduate very soon this March,
It's weird that I may be the only student
who's not even excited on that day.... actually it's the
reason why I am getting anxious day by day. Yes i am kind'a glad
because schooldays are over. But it feels like my life would become more
complicated as soon as I graduate. I don't wanna be specific but you
see, I'll be graduating in a course that I don't even like. No, I was
not forced, but that time when I was still starting in college,
I have chosen a course that I haven't thought about. Now that
I think about it, I have chosen the course to please
my family.(So stupid!)...
It should not be a
big deal for me because I could apply to other jobs that's not in
line with my course as long as I have the qualification... but
then my family are expecting too much from me. They are really sure
to themselves that I'll be following "that" career! Well,
I've told them that I have a different plan, that being in that "career"
is not really for me, and I'll be applying for that chosen job,
that they should not expect that much.... but I don't know if
they took it seriously. They haven't reacted negatively when i said
that so I assume that they understand me, but then they haven't
approved to me also! What's worse is my dad! He'll be coming home before my graduation and when we talk on the phone about it, all he keeps blabbing is my future! It's like my entire plan in life is already
fixed and I just have to follow it! I tried to tell him otherwise
but then he is already in a dreamy state, and he was so
into it that it makes me hesitate to interrupt and tell him "Uhm..
dad... I don't wanna be a ---- !" Oh no! it woudld just break his heart.!
In our conversation before, I've already hinted that i may
not be following that career. But he interprets it differently,
he thought of it as being pessimistic.
Anorther thing is, although I have said my own plan to them, I
don't have a strong stand about it because if Plan A (their plan)
would be compared to plan B (my plan)... plan A is waaaay better than
plan B. in plan A, I would be someone great.. In plan B, I would be
someone ordinary (but atleast I am happy!)...
It would have been less complicated if my chosen career was somewhat
related to my expected career.
But what the heck! Medicine compared to Computer
is sooooo different!
What's making my decision more complicated is this guilt that i am feeling.
It's because they've supported me so much, thinking that I would be choosing plan A. My dad even bought me "something" in preparation for "that" career! And he bought me a gift (that is so expensive and i really really like) while telling me... "This is for the future ----!"
heCK! It gives me more guilt than ever!
I know I should only be the
one to be blamed here because i started it in
the first place. Me, being soooo stupid! But
guess what... i am stubborn also. So I would prefer what
I like, so they better prepare themselves to be heartbroken!
....including myself! (T-T)
But... could i really do it? Oh no!!!!
Last edited by wingcharm on Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:51 am; edited 1 time in total
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