Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: Re: Love shyness
jerseygrlnco wrote:
I'm desperately in love with a co-worker who I believe is also love shy. We have a little bit of an age difference- he's early 20's and I'm early 30's. I believe I come off as a very charismatic extrovert and although he is attracted to that, he is also afraid of me. One of his friends told me he has never had a girlfriend and the woman he ends up getting together with will be his for life. I have been crazy about him since the first day I've met him and it grows daily. He is the most amazing man I've ever met. Immensely intelligent, sexy, interesting, reliable, kind and compassionate. He is the kind of man that will step up when required but never out of his own need to be the leader.
I've been shy in the past as well but have gained more confidence through experiences. For me the fear of rejection just wasn't so strong after I actually experienced rejection a few times.
Unfortunately his shyness rubs off on me and when we have the opportunity to connect- we end up quietly staring into each others eyes with nothing but enourmous smiles on our mouths. Our eye contact is intense and I can see his longing for me but when I tried to approach too quickly he ran away. Now I'm not sure what to do- I'm not sure what he wants me to do. Is it too childish to have a friend ask him what he thinks of me? I guess if I knew I wasn't making unwanted advances- I just might be able to do the asking. But really, how can I win? If I make the move I'll scare him away and if I wait for him I could be waiting in vain. What's a girl to do?
Hi. I have read what you wrote and I would say you should talk to him.
I didn't imagine that a love-shy person could be also very charismatic and extroverted, but since you are, maybe it would be easier for you to make the first move. I mean, if he is a love-shy person, then he will like you to go talk to him.
Don't think about what he wants you to do, there is not a wrong move that would cause he to disaprove you... he expects you to go talk to him, he just fears that he will not be able to handle the situation. Do not think that he is rejecting you, he probably wants badly to talk with you, the only problem is that he is scared of doing that.
You could start by going to talk with him about anything casually just to approach him like to become friends, and then later you say how you feel about him, or perhaps just ask him to go out with you like for a date. You don't need to do that in the first time you speak with him. Maybe he fails to communicate as you expected in the first time, but do not be afraid of insisting on the situation if you want to. It is not childish to insist on it. Even if he fails to do something at some trials, I think he would expect you to try again.
@jerseygrlnco: it indeed seems he's love-shy. and a love-shy person will appreaciate it very much if a girl makes the first move. just don't be too direct to not scare him off!
I am 24 years old and I think I fit well in the category of love-shy. I had many problems when I was I child, I was bullied a lot by other children and I heard this is a common cause for love-shyness. My parents never cared much about me, everything I did was wrong and I never had emotional support. It is, someone to who I could tell my emotional things. I always had to keep everything to myself, so if I was suffering I couldn't say anything because for my mother, I am always complaining. My father is divorced since I've been born and he always denyied I had any problems, so if I talked to him about those things he would act as if he was surprised and as if it was something he didn't know about, and would deny everything.
What is really bad about it, is that my problems are not recognized, like if they never existed, no one gives attention to it, or sometimes they say it is something everyone passed through like if it is a small thing, or other times they think you just want to get their attention.
It has been very depressing for me, through all the college period I was unable to talk with women not just to get involved with them, but not even just to make friends. At the end of the college time, my friends moved away to other cities and we have few opportunities to met. So I was left with very little social contact, and it was at this time the stress got to a 'peak'. I thought seriously about suicide and I reached the conclusion that I would rather prefer to die as to live forever with this, specially if I have to get older and see that I never had anything with a woman when I was still young and pretty. So if I ever find myself in a situation where I think that I lost my time because I am too old, I would still be willing for suicide if I am capable of. Of course, I know suicide is no small thing and I don't want to diminish what those who have comitted suicide have been through, since I don't know if I would be capable of doing it, but I don't think my situation is unworthy of it. The interesting thing is that no one knows I have been thinking on these things.... just unknow people of the internet.
A good thing is, that becoming aware of the fact that I would be willing to give up of all my life to be free of this... it gave me strenght to do something. So I think I may be starting to lose my fear of trying to go there and say something. I mean, the worst thing that could happen is me dying and even that is not so frightful anymore. I think I am losing my fear but it is still hard, and I had not many chances to try it out since it happened recently, but I believe there was a significant change from the way I were before.... and I am usually very pessimistic, so if I believe a good thing is happening it must be very reliable.
Another good thing, is that at the beginning I thought women didn't get attracted to me, but then I realized its not truth. It was a bad thing too since I also realized I had great chances at the past but since I was too afraid, so it never worked. At high school I discovered one of those girls everyone in class was attracted to, actually liked me and I didn't have the courage to talk with her even after she saying almost directly to me what she thinks about me. There were also a beautiful girl who worked at a clothing store in the mall one day, and she started flirting with me but I didn't do anything. I only needed to ask for her phone number, and she was really beautiful. There were other situations too, but even when they gone to talk to me I didn't do anything.
But I believe I will not lose the next chance and, normally, I am pessimistic about that. But I don't want to have too many hopes.
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 5:34 am Post subject: I'm a love-shyness type guy
To any girl who is interested in a love shy guy, but isn't sure how to approach him, here's my advice, as a love-shy guy...
1. Be friendly. Get to know him "as a friend" in a non-confrontation environment, if possible in a group of people.
2. Be persistent. If he's anything like me, he may be attracted to a girl, but due to insecurities is unsure of what to say to you. The result of which is he appears uninterested and standoff-ish.
Importantly, love shyness guys are aware of their shyness. They are also afraid of other people knowing just how shy they are. So don't bring it up.
I am 24 years old and I think I fit well in the category of love-shy. I had many problems when I was I child, I was bullied a lot by other children and I heard this is a common cause for love-shyness. My parents never cared much about me, everything I did was wrong and I never had emotional support.
Oh my gosh, I thought I would never find other people like me! My parents claim I was shy and anxious as a baby. Adding to that, I grew up in a verbally and emotionally abusive family environment. To this day the sound of my mother's voice makes me anxious and angry, even when she's trying to be nice to me. I was also bullied a bit at school when I was young, though I sort of came into myself in high school and no longer had that problem.
One thing I think is interesting is that I remember being interested in boys when I was a little girl. For example, I have a clear memory of chasing my neighborhood crush around my backyard, trying to catch him and kiss him. My parents gave me a lecture about my inappropriate behavior. And ever since that day, I have never flirted or tried to kiss a guy. I think they probably over-corrected my behavior, and maybe are somewhat responsible for my avoidance of men. I'm sure my anxious personality is mostly to blame, but I can't help but think my parents have a lot to do with my social inhibitions, fear of rejection, hyper-sensitivity to social cues and prudish attitude toward sex. I think growing up in a home where your mother is always yelling at you that you are wrong, ugly, stupid, etc does not make for a very well-adjusted person...Also, I remember the first time I saw animals mating and I asked my mother what they were doing. She explained it, and then I wanted to know if people do it too. She said yes, and implied it was a very disgusting, scary thing that I should not ask too many questions about. And now she lectures me about not being married with children yet...
Anyway, I'm 25, I've never had a boyfriend and never even kissed. And it really doesn't bother me, because I'm not that much interested. My friends and family are convinced I am a closeted lesbian, which annoys me a great deal. I simply am not interested in flirting, dating or sex, though every once in a while I try to psych myself up to go try it. When people pry, I tell them I choose to be celibate. If I were Catholic, I would probably be a nun by now. I've seriously considered becoming a Buddhist monk, just so people will stop questioning my lifestyle, lol. I've been on a few dates because friends are always trying to set me up with that guy they think is perfect for me, but it's always a very uncomfortable experience for me. The dates always go in one of two directions: either he is put off by my stand-offishness and isn't interested in me, or he does become interested in me but I find some reason to think he's not a good fit for me. For example, one guy seemed interested in me but told me he was planning to move to another state. I thought, well that's convenient, because I'm not going to start a long distance relationship! Then I feel really bad for making the poor guy feel rejected, and the people who set us up act all confused that I didn't throw myself at the guy! And I never feel bad for myself about not getting together with him. I just feel bad that his feelings might have been hurt, or that other people think I feel bad that "it didn't work out". They don't know how relieved I am! Anyway, the only thing that worries me is that I'll be increasingly lonely as I get older, only because I've watched how sad my grandmother has been since grandpa recently died. Having a longterm, committed relationship is definitely a positive thing to have when you are elderly, that's for sure...
I am 24 years old and I think I fit well in the category of love-shy. I had many problems when I was I child, I was bullied a lot by other children and I heard this is a common cause for love-shyness. My parents never cared much about me, everything I did was wrong and I never had emotional support.
Oh my gosh, I thought I would never find other people like me! My parents claim I was shy and anxious as a baby. Adding to that, I grew up in a verbally and emotionally abusive family environment. To this day the sound of my mother's voice makes me anxious and angry, even when she's trying to be nice to me. I was also bullied a bit at school when I was young, though I sort of came into myself in high school and no longer had that problem.
One thing I think is interesting is that I remember being interested in boys when I was a little girl. For example, I have a clear memory of chasing my neighborhood crush around my backyard, trying to catch him and kiss him. My parents gave me a lecture about my inappropriate behavior. And ever since that day, I have never flirted or tried to kiss a guy. I think they probably over-corrected my behavior, and maybe are somewhat responsible for my avoidance of men. I'm sure my anxious personality is mostly to blame, but I can't help but think my parents have a lot to do with my social inhibitions, fear of rejection, hyper-sensitivity to social cues and prudish attitude toward sex. I think growing up in a home where your mother is always yelling at you that you are wrong, ugly, stupid, etc does not make for a very well-adjusted person...Also, I remember the first time I saw animals mating and I asked my mother what they were doing. She explained it, and then I wanted to know if people do it too. She said yes, and implied it was a very disgusting, scary thing that I should not ask too many questions about. And now she lectures me about not being married with children yet...
Anyway, I'm 25, I've never had a boyfriend and never even kissed. And it really doesn't bother me, because I'm not that much interested. My friends and family are convinced I am a closeted lesbian, which annoys me a great deal. I simply am not interested in flirting, dating or sex, though every once in a while I try to psych myself up to go try it. When people pry, I tell them I choose to be celibate. If I were Catholic, I would probably be a nun by now. I've seriously considered becoming a Buddhist monk, just so people will stop questioning my lifestyle, lol. I've been on a few dates because friends are always trying to set me up with that guy they think is perfect for me, but it's always a very uncomfortable experience for me. The dates always go in one of two directions: either he is put off by my stand-offishness and isn't interested in me, or he does become interested in me but I find some reason to think he's not a good fit for me. For example, one guy seemed interested in me but told me he was planning to move to another state. I thought, well that's convenient, because I'm not going to start a long distance relationship! Then I feel really bad for making the poor guy feel rejected, and the people who set us up act all confused that I didn't throw myself at the guy! And I never feel bad for myself about not getting together with him. I just feel bad that his feelings might have been hurt, or that other people think I feel bad that "it didn't work out". They don't know how relieved I am! Anyway, the only thing that worries me is that I'll be increasingly lonely as I get older, only because I've watched how sad my grandmother has been since grandpa recently died. Having a longterm, committed relationship is definitely a positive thing to have when you are elderly, that's for sure...
If you are not interested in a relationship, that's fine. But let me tell you, maybe you are a little bit selfish. I was kind of that, I was fine with myself 4 years ago (I'm 28 now), have friends (not the type you'll call best friends), plays sports, my science books, video games, etc. Then I started from nothing to have panic attacks, but I told nobody, then I really find out the truth behind intimacy, true friendship, trust, share happiness. Maybe you should focus in make other people happy, share your feelings with friends or family, then you gonna find out that it is important to be surrounded by people you love. Maybe as a monk you'll find just that. Why don't you start trying it right now when you are still young?, as you grew older, you'll have stronger ties to your current living style and it will be much more difficult to change.
Become more social, and find out if you really are just find with yourself, but don't let that avoid to enjoy company, friendship, intimacy, and happiness.
Don't wait to find yourself, in this era 20's is still young, learn how to change and how to live life as a social human being.
Do you still live with your parents?, leave home now!
Hi there,
After looking up words such as "shy", "men" and "love" I came across this site. I have a crush on a guy who is 35. I am convinced he is "love shy" people have said to me he is interesed in me but doesnt know what to do. No one has ever heardof him seeing any girls in all of his 35 years.
I think he is an absolutely fantastic man but I am also fairly shy and dont want to come onto him for fear of embarrassment. We have sent a few text messages back and fourth but nothing else.
Would I turn him off if I was to take more initiative?
I am more used to being pursued by a man than chasing him so its a little out of my comfort zone.
Would love to hear advice of what a "shy man" would like a girl to do that may ease their fear, embarrassment, pain, in this situation.
Thanks a bunch
Well, the only thing you can do is let him know you are interested in him. I am more or less the same as the guy you described so I know more or less how he thinks and feels. First of all, he should know you like him. You have to be sure he knows your feelings towards him. You don't have to tell him this directly face to face. Maybe you can ask a mutual friend to bring the message. Or you can send an email. I mean, this can look pretty stupid at first sight, but if you are shy yourself this is how you should deal with this situation.
But don't expect that after letting him know your feelings towards him that you will have a first date immediately. He will be too shy to approach you and ask you out. I guess the best you do is let a mutual friend pass the message and after a few days you also send an email and ask him: "Do you want to go out with me ?". If you ask him this in an email he has to reply to you with yes or no. If the guy is really shy the only way to succeed is to send an email. When I was a bit younger I used to be more shy than I am now and when girls approached me I got so shy that I just ran off. The girls thought I didn't like them but that was not the case. If you send him an email he doesn't has this problem of shyness and he can think clearly about this situation.
Well, this is all the help I can offer you. This may look so extremely ridiculuous but this is the way shy people have to be dealed with. Never think he doesn't like you. If he sends a signal that may look like rejection 95 % of the time this is the result of his shyness (while in reality he really likes you). And in the beginning don't ask him out face to face, especially not in front of other people. If you approach him, than be sure you are both alone. And you can be sure that he will like the fact you asking him out. You will not push him away by doing this. So don't be afraid of that.
I remeber that i approach only 3 times normally to the girls that i m ab-normally attracted (like in these extreme casese that we are describing).
It never went to well, but i was proud of myself because i prove myself that i m able to do that- approached without anyones help.
I m still a mess when i m highly attracted, maybe even more because when i was younger i didnt think much about the sex thing.
You guys are not alone. I am the same. In the past I used to be even worse. I totally blushed when a girl I liked started a conversation with me. I really hoped she went away as soon as possible. Fortunately, I don't blush anymore, which is good. But still I have problems approaching girls I like. Even worse, now and than when a girl approaches me because she likes me, I run away. This is bad because the girl always thinks I don't like her and I am really disgusted by her, while in reality that is not the case. Once I even got the finger for that, which at the moment I didn't like but now I am always laughing with it .
I think the first step to deal with this problem is to admit you have a problem. Secondly, it is good to know there are other people experiencing the same problem. I always thought I was the only person in the universe having this problem in such an extreme way but knowing I am not, this boosted my confidence for some strange reason. Who knows next time I will be capable of approaching a girl I like . Anyway, I am trying to improve my problem every day. Since the first day I decided to do something to my problem I made really good progress because my shyness was really extreme. The only thing now is to approach a girl a like without drinking alcohol
.
Here is a topic that I Goggled; I sort of relate with it (a bit) :-
Love-Shyness
Love-shyness is a life-crippling condition. Victims of love-shyness are unable to marry, cannot have children, and do not participate in the normal adolescent and young adult activities of dating and courtship. Moreover, the heterosexual love-shy are often misperceived as homosexual. The never-married, heterosexually inactive man has long been known to be vulnerable to all manner of quite serious and often bizarre pathologies. In most cases, these men do not allow themselves to become involved in anything or in any activity, wholesome or otherwise, for which there is any kind of existent social support group. The love-shy do not have anybody to relate to as a friend or to count on for emotional support.
Love-shyness afflicts approximately 1.5 percent of most male populations. More succinctly, love-shyness will effectively prevent many of its male sufferers from ever marrying and from ever experiencing any form of intimate sexual contact with a woman."
I'm almost 40 and have never so much as kissed a woman, what's even worse (in a culture where men are expected to make the first move) I've never even had the courage to ask. I feel such shame about my secret but even worse is the pain of going everywhere and doing everything alone when everywhere I turn are couples.
(end quote)
Does anyone else relate to this?
I appreciate this post is 5 years old, but I only joined this site today, and didn't even know it existed until now.
I can certainly relate to this. I am 39, and have never had a girlfriend, nor has any woman shown any romantic interest in me. I have asked lots of women out but always get rejected.
The worst thing is how people make fun of you, and insult you just because you can't pick up a different woman every night.
To forget about the pain this causes me, I have taken on part time job at night in addition to my full time job.
Here is a topic that I Goggled; I sort of relate with it (a bit) :-
I appreciate this post is 5 years old, but I only joined this site today, and didn't even know it existed until now.
I can certainly relate to this. I am 39, and have never had a girlfriend, nor has any woman shown any romantic interest in me. I have asked lots of women out but always get rejected.
The worst thing is how people make fun of you, and insult you just because you can't pick up a different woman every night.
To forget about the pain this causes me, I have taken on part time job at night in addition to my full time job.
It can be overcome, but at your age you need help. I think that, with age one acquires certain bad mental habits that can destroy your chances. You need someone to ground you and teach you new ways to think (it can takes from months to a year to start seeing real chances, but since you have been waiting so long....).
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. Anyway, I am trying to improve my problem every day. Since the first day I decided to do something to my problem I made really good progress because my shyness was really extreme. The only thing now is to approach a girl a like without drinking alcohol
.