Great difficulties with non-verbal eye contact

cobalt_bluester

Hello my name is Richard. I have a serious problem in making eye contact but its more than just a confidence thing. I have a problem knowing where to look when I look at a person and I am intensely aware of where I am looking - it has become unatural and I worry about this all of the time. I have fairly serious depression and am only just managing to keep my job down.

I think sometimes my gaze comes across as agressive but I don't mean it to be. I think it comes across this way because I am feeling quite stressed and intense. Can anybody give me some advice? Perhaps you have a similar condition or experience of this peculiar problem. I hope to hear from you soon if you're out there.

Best Regards
Richard

dystortion_d · Newbie User Joined: Feb 25, 2008 Posts: 10

hey try and tackle any depression, its that that makes it all the harder to be confidant.

Lea · Intermediate User Joined: Mar 08, 2008 Posts: 122

I have exactly the same problem. I don´t have much problem talking, though. Especially when not having to look the person in the eyes. I talk a lot as if I wanted to compensate for the bad nonverbal behaivior. I even speak 3 foreingn languages quite fluently. This is a strange combination in me, the eloquency and shyness together. Some people are even afraid of me because they don´t know what to think. They think I am trying to cover something up.
I also don´t think shynes can be overcome by "exposure". It is silly, as we have to expose us every day to difficult situations. It is not about learnig "social skills", because this is not anything to be learned, it has to come by itself. There are lot of idiots who have good social skills, just because they are not shy. I think I have gone through quite a lot in my life, met lot of people which I had to deal with. The result is that my SP has not disappeared at all, I just somehow learned to talk it around.

Argamemnon · Advanced User Joined: Jan 15, 2008 Posts: 365

RedRibbons · Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 10:00 am Post subject:

I don't know if you "furrow" your brow when you look at people.. But.. Try relaxing the muscles between your brows. I find that when I think hard, my brow furrows, and when I relax it, the thoughts dissipate.

You don't have to be looking at a person in the eyes, all the time, when you're talking to them. You can break contact and look at other things as well.

Instead of focusing on eye contact. Focus on what the person you are talking to is saying. I mean, really listen to them. Turn your mental volume down! Smile

Lea · Intermediate User Joined: Mar 08, 2008 Posts: 122

I am always trying to concentrate what the person is saying, but I can only do so if I look away or to the ground. Otherwise it gets so confusing and I am not able to think clearly. It seems to me as if I were at least mildly autistic, but it puzzles me because the autists are said to lack empathy and sense of humor which I am not.

Argamemnon · Advanced User Joined: Jan 15, 2008 Posts: 365

I sometimes notice that people are intimidated and annoyed when I look them in the eyes. It's because I'm so incredibly anxious, I just can't look 'normal'. As the OP said, I probably look aggressive.

dystortion_d · Newbie User Joined: Feb 25, 2008 Posts: 10

someone told me that "believe it or not, people are nowhere near as obsessed with you as they are themselves". focus on trying to get your message across, like watch sitcoms muted is what my shrink told me. you can watch how they go about it, cause once the focus is off you, you can talk to people and it's a lot funner than being alone trust me.

va_boy · Newbie User Joined: Mar 05, 2008 Posts: 39

Honestly, lately I've found that if you don't worry about stuff like that so much you do good with it.

theman · Newbie User Joined: Feb 20, 2008 Posts: 54

It might sound silly, but here's one method that many people find helpful.

Pick a few spots on their face. Usually the eyes, nose, and mouth do fine. Cycle your gaze between them.

So start out looking at their eyes, give it 3 seconds, then move to their mouth, 3 seconds, then to the bridge of their nose, 3 seconds, right eye, 3, mouth, 3, left eye, 3, etc.

Jumble it up so you're not just going in a circle, and every couple cycles or so look down or to the side for 3. Also, it doesn't have to be 3 seconds. Once you get comfortable you can do more or less time on any one spot. You can practice in front of a mirror.