*delete me*

Flax · Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2004 7:42 am Post subject:

I believe you might be in the mental state I was back before I got my first job. I freaked out whenever people told me I had to get a job. I like you tried to be as little of a burden on my family as possible so they didn't get angry at me. It came to a point where every time I said anything about money, products or services I'd get yelled at to get a job. I couldn't even talk to them anymore because every time I said something I heard "Get a Job!" Then one day I was cornered in my room while I was on the computer and my mom kept telling me to get a job over and over and I lost it and slammed my arms into the slide out keyboard holder and broke it off my desk. I took my hands and smashed them into my face and forehead and with clenched teeth said, "I need to go to a hospital." I cried afterwards. My mom is stupid when it comes to knowing how someone feels. I imagine my mom and brother must have thought I was a weirdo when I did that. I was hoping that maybe they'd back off a bit because of the outburst, but they didn't. Then I sent an e-mail telling my mom I was depressed and suicidal and explained why I was acting the way I was. I did that because I didn't feel like talking in person. She read it while I was in the room and I think my eyes watered up. She was supportive and told me she loved me. They backed off and let me choose the right time to make the next step in my life. I ended up getting a job in 2002 and I still work there. I thought I just had depression back when I sent that e-mail, I didn't know that my fear of going outside had a more specific name. I too build computers and I played an MMORPG (Asheron's Call) a lot back in the day. I don't like lying, I hate when I'm lied to I don't steal I don't do drugs and I feel absolutely no urge to ever do those things.
I also go through those periods where your extremely into doing something and then it just dissappears. I used to make maps for Half-Life and I was obsessed with it. I felt like I was extremely good at it and I even became interested in working for a game development company. That has been totally erased though. Now I just work and I have no interest in anything really. I have no future plans, I don't like playing computer games anymore, I have all the consoles that are currently out and I don't play them, I used to be an artist and now I don't like to draw, paint or do any of that. I feel like I'm being a moron by not sticking with art. Art is my gift and I'm not honing my skills. I wouldn't be suprised if other people who aren't as good as me surpass me because I don't practice at all while they continue to become better and better. I guess my only passion right now is to weigh 160 or below. I weighed 210 last year and now I weigh 176-180lbs. Hmm... the last time I worked out this hard was back before I got my first computer.
I don't know what this post does to change anyone or anything, but I felt like posting it.