Hello! Another newbie (long post)

quietlyobserving · Newbie User Joined: Mar 17, 2008 Posts: 18

Glad i finally found a place like this. Let me introduce and vent...
I live in vic im 22 and have 2 kids, i dont get out much, i have like 1 close friend who lives a few hrs away and acouple other friends who used to be close friends but almost never bother to come see me or talk to me even though they only live round the corner, and as if im going to invite myself over there.
My friends dont understand at all why im like this, the whole 'just get over it' attitude is what i get from them, always have. I dont remember ever NOT feeling like this, some things have improved but others have got worse. I need to go back to work but everytime i get an interview i cancel it coz i'm too scared to go. Maybe once a month (if that) i'll go out on the weekend with my friend but i have to drink before i go and drink when i get there, and i still dont talk to anyone and often leave, or get so totally wasted that i dont remember what happened and then avoid everyone for a month so they forget what embarrasing things i did or said.
Im engaged and want to get married but im to scared to have all those people staring at me. I absolutely hate attention and focus on me, and HATE hate hate having to talk about myself. Obviously im fine on the internet, anyforms of writing, which is how i apply for jobs. I do all of my banking online, infact anything that i can do from home i do it, if i could buy the groceries from home i would (but they dont do it in my area- dammit) I spend alot of time with my sister and my mum, ehich has improved alot since i never could talk to my family about regular stuff. Im more of a speak when your spoken to type of person.

I feel bad for my children because im too scared to have birthday parties for them with other chldren there..

I thought i would try to work on my social skills so i took a course with a smallish group of people. Firstly- who ON EARTH likes those "lets go around the room and inttroduce ourselves" I HATE YOU WHO-EVER INVENTED THAT!!! So many times i wasnt going to go back to class, i struggled through but i made it. The worst part was when we had to do class presentations in groups, i had acouple of paragraphs to read out and i had gone over them athousand times and was staying positive about reading them but as soon as i started... i could hardly push the words out, i was trembling verrry obviously, stuttering sweating,blushing and very nearly fainted, but the thought of NOT finishing got me through, (if i couldnt do it there was no way i would go back) afterwards i went home and cried for 2hrs.. and thought about not going back. Thank god no-one said anything to me about it at the next class. (it was only once or twice a week for 3hrs at a time) I wish there was a support group where i live..

I havnt been diagnosed with SAD, i beleive, for the reason that i am too afraid to talk to the dr. I want to so bad but i just cant make the words come out. At the moment im on AD's but i was only prescribed them because i told the doctor i was just feeling like crap all the time. He said it might help with energy levels, i think it might have helped a little but i think i might need a higher dosage, but again, i cant tell him that can i! the stupid doctor come and said to me 'do you feel depressed?'! of course i said no, what i wanted to say was PLEASE HELP ME NOW! IM DEPRESSED AND EXTREMELY AFRAID OF BEING IN PUBLIC!! but i cant say that can i.

when i was a teenager i used to joke to my friends 'im like social phobic or something' before i even new that that actually was what its called.
Nowadays, since they just dont get it, i just tell them 'im not really a people person'

I have a constant need to buy new clothes because i worry someone will say 'i saw you wearing that last week'. as a result my wardrobe contained probably over 300 items, of which i am still clearing out, ive still got about 100 items now, probably more actually. But yet im constantly complaing that i have nothing to wear (as girls usually do, but more-so in my case). If i feel like i have absolutely nothing to wear i stay home, even if im going to the supermarket. When ive planned to go somewhere i get changed a thousand times before i find something suitable, and have been known to break down in tears over it and just stay home instead..

I cant pull right up next to a car at the traffic lights, people allways look over.. cant talk to speaker boxes at take away places, almost never actually order inside, always make someone else do it.

Next person to say to me 'cat got your tongue?' i will cut your heart out with a friggin spoon! Quit talking about me like im not there, im not deaf, and im not dumb. You CAN talk to me, just dont ask me about myself til im comfortable with you, or wait til ive had a few drinks. Im NOT going to invite myself over like you do, i AM allowed to go out, i DO like to party and have fun, i DO like camping,sports, the beach, lazy days, movies, just F*KING ASK ME, jerk.

YES i am very pale, NO i am not sick, dying OR on drugs, im just pale so get over it, not everyone needs to look like malibu barbie

So, anyone here that can relate to me? lol

IcarusUnderWater · Advanced User Joined: Dec 24, 2007 Posts: 305

I can relate to 95% of what you said apart from the fact nobody wants to marry me (yet) and i dont have two kids (yet lol).

To get to the point... you HAVE to take the plunge and get help. Talk to your doctor if you trust him/her and you know them well.

You could just forget about your doctor and instead, directly email a counsellor and ask or an appointment. Choose one that has experience and qualifications etc but it will cost a bit (totally worth it though).

Talking things through with a counsellor will make your anxiety much more manageable. Don't let life and happiness pass you by any longer. Now make some appointments!