I used to have a real hard time pretending I was happy after I was with my friends for an extended amount of time, but now I can fool myself. only every once in a while do I realize how depressed I am. it scares me when the depression comes back, already bad enough alone.
I think I conceptualized the depression in my head and I don't feel it much anymore.
I pretend to be happy every day of my life. The only time I am actually happy when I appear to be happy is when I'm drunk. Pretending to be happy almost comes naturally to me now, it does help though that my nervous reaction when I'm felling uncomfortable in a social situation is to smile or laugh. I've tried to go back into just looking like I feel but as soon I did people began to ask me what was wrong, so I got nervous and snapped right back into prettending to be happy.
Im always pretending to be happier then i really am, even when seeing my psychologist i can't express honestly how im really feeling. People asking how im doing can be really annoying since i can't really tell them anything without revealing my condition (Noone knows except my psychologist and a few government employees), il be going "Oh im just fine" when im really thinking "Crap im depressed".
i feel the same way you do. every time someone askes me how i am or asks me how college is goin i always seem to reply with 1 word ''alright''. even with family i can never seem to express my true feeling cuz i no they will never understand n den ill just feel incredibly awkward around them from then on
Every single day, my life is a very big teather play, i spend almost 24 hours a day using a mask, the only time i take it off is in bed at night.
If people knew what is realy going on...
But i also get the feeling nobody would care much.
I get the feeling normal people dont give a shit about someone like us, whith this kind of problems, they just think we are cowards, stupids or something like that.
But that could also be my APD speaking, I never realy know.
Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 5:50 am Post subject: pretending happiness
Everyday I wake up feeling nothing. I always feel empty inside. I've read over a hundred self-help books, seen coaches, psychologists and still I go through every day putting a mask on so the world won't know I'm so sad. Even my closest friends seem so distant. I cant tell them, whenever I try they start to think I'm crazy or something. It's an endless cycle: feel sad, get too much attention people trying to cheer you up, pretend to be happy so that people leave you alone, feel horrible and guilty all over again for lying to your friends and family about what you truly feel.
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