I just wish I were dead

txjeepin · Newbie User Joined: Feb 28, 2008 Posts: 11

i understand exactly where you are coming from. for the past 5 years of my life i have had waves of ups and downs about not wanting to live anymore. i still do. recently i became plagued with pure obsession (intrusive thought) and this has increased my depression levels far beyond what they used to be.

right now i feel like one day i feel fine then the next i feel like my life is no where. i currently am in college with no friends, never had a girl friend. i don't do anything. i have social anxiety and so it is very hard for me to go places besides my home and school. all of these things put so much weight on my shoulders i feel as if i can't take it anymore.

however, i find that occupying yourself with something you love, something you are passionate about, can greatly affect your mood and current thought process. for me, it is listening to music and riding my jeep with the top off. i play the guitar as well and that helps ALOT. i play at least an hour a day and that is my time of bliss.

i look back and realize i have wasted 5 years of my life (i am 19) with depression. i don't want it to continue but my mind always comes up with new ways to justify my sadness. it is like a never ending cycle.

I guess my most important advice is to SEEK HELP from a professional. if anything it feels great to tell a stranger your feelings because you know that they will have no judgments about you. i did just recently and has calmed my thoughts of suicide to almost 100% gone. i feel so much better coming out of the pychologists office and it might just be what you need to make you feel good about yourself.

ioanna · Newbie User Joined: Feb 27, 2008 Posts: 12

i know how you feel.i posted something similar.i cant believe that there are people thinking like me.i dont know if we can change the way of thinking like this but no matter how many times i say i ll try to get better i dont.the only thing is now that i become creative i write poems and sometimes i relax even if its difficult.i say if i die nowone will understand why i did it but now i dont know what to think

pamrla · Newbie User Joined: Jan 15, 2008 Posts: 23

i never realised before how many there are of us. i firmly believe hell is here on earth.maybe someday one of us will come up with a majical answer to all this pain we feel.i know it helps realizeing that i'm not alone. but gee there are so many of us!times get harder and harder. i do so look forward to coming here and letting it all hang out. i just wish someone would write to me privately,but since that does'nt happen THANK GOODNESS FOR THIS SITE! Smile

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blonderedhead · Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:27 am Post subject:

pamrla I'm going to write to you. I as well cant believe how many of us there actually are. I had no idea. I get these really dark days where as soon as I wake up I start crying. It feels like such a hassle just to get up anymore. But I know that theres way too much beauty. i havent found much of it yet but I have hope. Its probably hard for us to see this now since so many of us feel like absolute sh*t but I think theres even beauty in breaking down. I think it makes us all a little more soulful than some other people who've never experienced these sort of things at all. Know what I mean? Well the best of luck to everyone

pamrla · Newbie User Joined: Jan 15, 2008 Posts: 23

i'm so glad someone finnally answered me.i was told i didn't have long to live so i decided to make things right with my son.well needless to say he took advantage of me,i fell for all his pretty words-stupid!!!i tried to overlook the drugs ,thievery and plain destruction we were apart 3 years i thought he really changed-right any way he handed me my head on a platter.how can anyone be as dumb as me!!! Sad

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pamrla · Newbie User Joined: Jan 15, 2008 Posts: 23

boy,i read my last post,and did i get sick....i thought i'd die hoped i would...

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pamrlathompson@yahoo.com

blonderedhead · Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 11:10 pm Post subject:

aww why? theres no need. I always read something I've posted and say oh jeez that was really stupid... haha... but its not. Its totally okay to share what you're feeling. I mean thats never a bad thing. I hope everything is okay with your son though and that you are okay. Take care.

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"But she's not afraid to die, the people all call her Alaska
Between worlds so the people ask her 'cause it's all in her mind"

ioanna · Newbie User Joined: Feb 27, 2008 Posts: 12

life seems too long and i want to be short..i dont know sometimes i need someone to shake my world even if its difficult.i want to scream,nowone hears...