Does this sound like OCD?

fallen18 · Newbie User Joined: Apr 12, 2008 Posts: 5

I have recently been seeking psychiatric help for OCD, and my psychologist is now having doubts as to whether I have OCD or not. So I'll describe my symptoms to the best of my ability because if this isn't OCD, I'd hate to think what else it might be and I would appreciate some feedback from people. I will warn sensitive readers now, this is a pretty nasty disorder. Basically I would describe what I have as HOCD but about violence. A sexual disorder based on the idea that I would find sexual pleasure or just pleasure in general from killing someone. This is not simply intrusive thoughts (although I DO have them), it seems much more like how I described it above. At this point I will stress that thoughts of violence do NOT give me erections and never have, no matter how hard I have tried in the past (to make sure I'm not doing it in a half-assed way), nor do violent thoughts make me feel aroused.

I can remember instances of OCD thinking as young as 7, when I felt compelled to say the opposite of what I had learned in scripture that day- to invite Satan into my heart instead of Jesus. Finally doing this caused me great anxiety and no matter how many repititions of repention came later I couldn't get rid of the sense that I was now irrevocably in for a long, hot afterlife. There are many other examples like this as a kid, but this more pertinent problem all started in 2003 when I was 18, and lasted that whole year. Then in '04 and '05, when I moved from home, the horrible thoughts and urges subsided, however for those two years I experienced an intense need to check locks, stoves etc. In other words, classic OCD symptoms. This was when I realised I have OCD (the violent thoughts of 2003 I regarded as a brief psychotic episode that had thankfully passed and that I would never tell anyone about). In '06 I started experimenting with drugs and after a few low dose trips on various substances, I began to doubt things about reality and my memory, and fear solipsism. This was my main problem up until a few months ago when the violent thoughts came back and overshadowed all other fears.

Phew, well that's the case history out of the way. However I need to explain some more about this condition. I have recently, as in 2003, felt compelled to masturbate over thoughts of killing people to remind myself that I don't want to do it. While masturbating I alternate my thoughts between ideation of stabbing or otherwise murdering family and friends, neutral objects such as chairs, cabinets, TVs, etc, and good ol' fashioned sex. Usually the violent thoughts feel no better than the thoughts of the "control" objects, and far less good than sex. When I see that the violent thoughts do not seem to make me ejaculate faster or feel better, I am relieved for a few hours, then doubt sets back in (did it REALLY not feel as good? Maybe you just didn't think about it hard enough? Maybe it will make you come faster NEXT time? Just some examples of how the doubt can affect me). If (and this happens rarely, but it has happened) the violent thoughts do seem (and I stress, seem) to make me come faster, then I feel horrified, sick, shameful and guilty to a tremendous extent.

This all pretty much started when I discovered that masturbating in school, leaving class to do it, made me come very fast. Somehow the "naughtiness" of doing this, the anxiety and fact that I shouldn't be doing this seemed to make me ejaculate very fast, and I have read before that anxiety can do this. This "naughtiness" factor seems to be what I fear and experience when doing it about violence. Like I said, it usually (95% of the time) doesn't seem to make me come faster, but when I started getting intrusive thoughts in 2003, I just HAD to know how it felt, and it did make me come very fast the first few times I did it back then. Of course it also made me feel shameful and disgusted with myself, and paved the way for this disorder. However, I have been able to come extremely quickly to random objects not too long ago (an aerosol can, yeah I know I'm a freak) and the “naughtiness” of doing it over guys when I was an early teen did the same to me then. Yet the doubt persists that masturbating over violence is "better", even though nothing special happens when I do it.

Well, there's a lot more to all this, but I feel as if I must be pushing the endurance (and stomachs) of most readers so I'll end here. Hope someone out there has some advice about whether this sounds like OCD, 'cause my psychologist's doubt scares the hell out of me.

Musicocd · Newbie User Joined: May 16, 2007 Posts: 57

Hmmm. This is interesting, there do seem to be aspects of ocd in what you describe, but at the same time...it's you that's thinking the violent thoughts, not the ocd, you are willing them to come, not necessarily because you want to but it's still you controlling them...and generally people don't act upon their unwanted thoughts, if they were to think something like 'I wonder if thinking violent thoughts would make me come faster?' they would NEVER act upon it, because the thought would scare them too much and it would be the thought they would obsess about, not the actual act.

I'm not sure it is ocd, but then I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone.

fallen18 · Newbie User Joined: Apr 12, 2008 Posts: 5

Hmmm, I see what you mean but the way this started was questioning and intrusive thoughts, the masturbating part came later when I felt I had to know how it felt to try and convince myself it wasn't true. Of course I now know that even if it had felt like nothing at all and made me unable to have an orgasm I would have doubted whether it felt great. Really, this problem has its roots far further back in the past than 2003 (which was simply when I first masturbated over these thoughts and when I fell into a pit of despair because of this). I remember always being terrified of those who find pleasure in killing, and when I became an adult I simply turned scrutiny towards myself. I don't kill anything, I try not to step on ants and carry bugs outside when they get in th house. Masturbating about killing people does NOT feel better, I simply doubt that it doesn't. It's like intrusive thoughts OCD has mutated to something like a cross between violent obsessions OCD and HOCD.

YankeeBob · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 29, 2007 Posts: 113

One form of OCD involves a combination of thoughts with compulsive sexual behaviour.

An addiction has been described as a habit or ritual that:

* Provides pleasure,
* Escalates over time,
and
* Is a secret that we keep from others.

You may find it helpful to try the web site www.recoverynation.com

Alternatively, have a look at the following 12 Step Programs for sexual addiction:

SAA

SLAA

SA

There is hope . and you are not alone.

Take care. Be well.

Yay4Cats · Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 4:54 am Post subject: Sounds like ocd..

I had the same thing with inviting Satan to have my soul. Even though I think I'm over that I will still never tell him he can have it. What I'm wondering is if you ever did tell him he could have it or if you used to try to supress it? I think as long as you try to supress your thoughts that is ocd. Do you have a ritual that you do or something you tell yourself to supress the violent thoughts? If you do my guess is that it's ocd. I just don't know why you would confront it though? If I were you I wouldn't test how fast I got off to violent thoughts. Also I don't know how many people avoid stepping on ants, but I think thats a good sign. Oh, espesially since you feared people who get off by killing people. I think ocd usually stems from fear. Look at the Satan thing. I think it's like you don't trust yourself not to do something that you REALLY don't want to do. Seems like ocd to me. (Just stop testing yourself) And keep saving little bugs. No kinda serial killer rapist would feel guilty about killing a bug. I don't think so anyway. I'm no pro. Just my opinion. Good Luck Smile

fallen18 · Newbie User Joined: Apr 12, 2008 Posts: 5

Thanks for the replies, its nice to have some reassurance. The thing is I KNOW with 100% certainty that if I did kill someone, I would just do myself in from the guilt and horror alone. I have never thought of doing this and getting away with it. Some friends of mine were having a discussion once about whether they would kill someone if say they found them in a crashed car or something with thousands of dollars in their wallet. They pretty much all said they would kill them or at least seemed to seriously contemplate it. I was just sitting there shaking my head, wondering how a person could even consider it seriously. I have always been an extremely sensitive, non-violent person, and if someone asks me something like that my gut reaction is a firm "of course not". Its when I question these things inwardly that I worry and doubt myself.

I do want to stop testing this, and have not been doing it for a few days now, I have also started meditating with positive results so far.

fallen18 · Newbie User Joined: Apr 12, 2008 Posts: 5

stelly · Newbie User Joined: Apr 13, 2008 Posts: 2

I think this is interesting. I have the same problem, well not as such. I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on memory, etc.

I keep questioning reality, memory, etc. Feel disassociated. Keep comparing people outside to ghosts. It's horrible.

I have OCD thoughts about death of myself, death of a loved one, hurting a loved one, killing a loved one. It's horrible.

fallen18 · Newbie User Joined: Apr 12, 2008 Posts: 5

stelly · Newbie User Joined: Apr 13, 2008 Posts: 2

I keep getting thoughts like, is that really my mum even though I know she is. And stuff. And sometimes I'll get nasty invasive thoughts.