Advice for girl friend of APD

dontgetit · Newbie User Joined: Apr 19, 2008 Posts: 8

I need advice on how to deal with my boyfriend who hasn't officially been diagnosed with APD, but he does acknowledge this is probably the problem. It is so hard to watch someone you love self-destruct and purposely push people they claim to love away. I am at a loss on what to do. Communication is nearly possible because I have to be so careful what and how I say it without upsetting him. Right now he won't answer his phone or emails. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

bleach · Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 5:18 am Post subject:

A guy with APD has a girlfriend?

dontgetit · Newbie User Joined: Apr 19, 2008 Posts: 8

Yes. He didn't tell me the true scope of his problems, but vary degrees of the disorder would leak out at times. One day he just flipped out and it has been crazy since. I have tried to be patient and find various articles / forums for him to help. He would rather be alone than risk disappointing me on any level.
What is the deal?

bletch · Newbie User Joined: Apr 19, 2008 Posts: 13

You're sure he's Avoidant? I've always though of APD as a series of bad habits and negative thinking that becomes more intense and debilitating over a long period of time -- a kind of mental addiction -- not something you can just "flip out" over. Maybe he has another problem in addition to APD?

All you can really do is advise him to seek professional help, and hope that he does it. You can't take responsibility for his problems. If he decides not to help himself, don't beat yourself up over it; ultimately the choice to help himself has to be his own.

Incognito · Newbie User Joined: Apr 16, 2008 Posts: 45

I can see how he would "flip out". I'm Avoidant myself and I can tell you that if he didn't see a way out of whatever social stress he was facing he could react that way. Has he actually told you about his problem or did you figure it out?

Gone · Newbie User Joined: Apr 01, 2008 Posts: 89

dontgetit · Newbie User Joined: Apr 19, 2008 Posts: 8

Thank you for being so forthcoming with your insights. To answer the replies:
He probably is also battling depression and anxiety. But finding the sympons to APD has given him a viable reaason to the way he as been feeling. He thinks being in the army accelerated the symptoms - unable to take criticism, afraid to get close ect.
I have been honest and taken the 'tough love' approach. He doesn't want to be together because in his mind I deserve better and he can never be in a normal relationship because the way he thinks about himself.
He refuses to get help and when I 'correct' him on his negative thoughts about himself, he gets so angry. Stating that I don't listen to him.
Being to think i am the one that is crazy...

Incognito · Newbie User Joined: Apr 16, 2008 Posts: 45

Maybe you should tell him about this place. He probably thinks his problems are unique.

dontgetit · Newbie User Joined: Apr 19, 2008 Posts: 8

I have shared a number of websites and forums with him. Pretty sure he has checked them out by different comments he has made.
His fears are stopping him from having a healthy and happy life. He told me today that he 'chooses to be miserable'. I pleaded for an hour today to not breakup with me, but no success.

Incognito · Newbie User Joined: Apr 16, 2008 Posts: 45

He broke up with you? I'm so sorry to here that. Sad

You tried your best but really he has to reach a point where he believes that he can beat it. I think you did help him though. He has proof that someone doesn't think he's unappealing. When he does start to get better this will help.