Thanks for listening. This is a unique disorder that majority of people have never heard of and understand the self-imposed prison that doesn't allow any escape. So I have received very little empathy from my friends. It is chalked up as a man who doesn't want to commit.
Well APD people are very afraid of rejection.
They realy like a person, but are so afraid that person will leave them, so they do it first.
He problably loves you very much, but just doesnt believe you want to stay with him.
Dont think less of yourself, because it has nothing to do with you.
And dont give him up, because he realy doesnt want that.
The only thing that we APD sufferers want is someone that doent gives up on us, even whend it seems we are giving up on them.
I see this completely with him and you are correct that he dumped me first so wouldn't have to worry about it now or in the future. He told me that he loves and wants me, but can't have a relationship. He told me that he would rather be miserable than try to keep a very good thing with me. Ouch!
So what should I do? Leave him alone? Wait till he comes to his senses?
Call or email occasionally? He refuses therapy and said he only wanted me to help. But it is hard to help someone that has thrown you out of his life.
Do all of you cringe at questions or specifically any query that starts with "why"? You can just see the anxiety well up in him.
Is it common to throw away a great relationship? And, most importantly, what does it usually take for someone to make the conscious decision to want to change and not live in fear?
Just save a space for him in that big heart of yours....don't push him...just make sure he know's that you are stil gonna be there when he is ready...It will mean the world to him.... I know it would to me.
I have APD by the way...
Last edited by 2Crowded on Sun Apr 20, 2008 8:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
Do all of you cringe at questions or specifically any query that starts with "why"? You can just see the anxiety well up in him.
A big part of APD, in my experience, is an intense amount of shame about who you are, a generally low feeling of self-esteem. Part of this is a reluctance to open up to other people for fear of how they will react. Many of us, maybe all of us, have been hurt by others in the past and we assume that if we show our real selves to someone else, they will be disgusted by who we are and we will be hurt again. Avoidance is, at its root, a defense mechanism.
I've always gotten anxious whenever things got personal. I was afraid of ridicule. In order for him to make that decision to change, he has to believe change is possible. Bletch is right, self-esteem is a huge issue. He's probably refusing therapy because he's afraid the therapist will judge him. What did it for me was that the therapist who diagnosed me wasn't judgemental. Once I realized that it felt good to talk about it. Give him some space but if you can find ways to remind him what it is you love about him. I'm rooting for this guy.
Nothing much to report except he thinks a relationship is out of the question because of the way he is. What it so interesting that he was the 'perfect' boyfriend for about 8 months. My kids and parents fell in love with him. He acknowledges he was very happy during this time, but feels he was faking it and being somebody he wasn't.
What is so ironic that probably all APD people are the perfect mate if they would only allow themselves to go with the flow. Choosing to listen to the negative self-talk rather than the affirmative words from others who love them will always baffle me.
I have had my own issues with self-image with anorexia when I was a teen, but I learned self-talk can be used in a positive way. I read somewhere that a pivotal point for one person was to see people with a physical handicap and functioning at a high level.
What should I make of this new behavior? He easily provoked ot anger while I am talking to him. He will scream outloud and I have seen him throw things. Under most stiuations, I would run so fast because it would be a red flag to potential abuse. I am wishfully hoping the anger is a sign he is fed up being this way. Always thought deep seated anger was at the root of this disorder.
Well APD people are very afraid of rejection.
They realy like a person, but are so afraid that person will leave them, so they do it first.
He problably loves you very much, but just doesnt believe you want to stay with him.
Dont think less of yourself, because it has nothing to do with you.
And dont give him up, because he realy doesnt want that.
The only thing that we APD sufferers want is someone that doent gives up on us, even whend it seems we are giving up on them.
This is very well explained. Couldn't be said better.
So it's not your fault at all. You're not doing anything wrong. He is trying to protect himself from breaking up, so to avoid that pain (rejection), that is the essence of avoidant personality, he dumped you first.
Of course that has no logical sence, to dump someone you love, but apd doesn't care about logic.
So as ilogic as it may sound, the more he loves you, the more he wants to dump you just to not suffer if you eventually dump him.
The best way to deal with this is to insist untill he realizes you love him just as much. Of course this may take months, but as you noticed, avoidants prove to be the most caring persons once they are secure that the feeling is mutual.
Letting go of him will tell him that you don't care about him and will make him think that he did the right thing - leaving you, thus leading him deeper into his false belives, making his apd more pronounced.
Hope you'll have the patience cause that is ALL you need. Good luck and don't give up
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