My story

sunset · Newbie User Joined: Apr 19, 2008 Posts: 2

I started to be bullied when I entered a new school at first grade. Since I was new at school I did not know any of the kids, so I remember I was alone at recess and expecting to make new friends.

But, instead of friends....there was this girl in my class who picked me as her victim...She started pinching me whenever she had an opportunity and telling me how ugly I was compared to my sister and other girls in school. She would also find an isolated spot to hit me each day. I was unable to react, unable to defend myself and today I wonder why!

I had a dose of the hitting and self-esteem-degrading comments each day throughout elementary school. At some point I had a friend who became some sort of "bodyguard" to me and she started to hit my bully whenever she found her "in action"...still I was unable to do anything about it, I just remained paralyzed.

Adults knew about the hitting aspect and my parents added pressure stating I should be able to defend myself. They even got angry at me and told me I should not be such a "coward".

This last situation increased my stress and made me cried secretly and hit myself each time I was alone, especially when I was in the shower. I felt miserable I even considered killing myself (I was about 8 or 9). My family moved to a 10th floor and I often thought of jumping off the window...

I felt I was unable to share my pain with anyone else (as for example my mother) so I became extremely shy, especially at school; and "shy" became the most common adjective used to described me.

I hated going to school and each day on my way to school, we always had to stop the car since I always needed to throw-up because I was extremely nervous. (And I wonder why adults never paid attention to this...)

I also grew up believing I was ugly to the point I didn´t want to look myself in the mirror, I didn´t want to cut my hair, to do things to improve my appearance, etc. I just thought I was not worth it. I remember one day my mother said to me "why can´t you be coquettish like the other girls in your class?"

Today it is hard for me to accept any compliment about my looks...I just don´t know how to react to them ( I experience a weird feeling I cannot describe, but I feel extremely uneasy).

There was even a teacher offered constantly $1 if I shouted in her class. That was because I was so silent, I would not talk as I rather not exist, I rather be invisible...

All these things which I cannot describe well enough, all the stress lead me to have a blurred image of myself for years.

Today, I am 36 and I have never been married and I feel I never will.

I suffer from SA and SP. I avoid certain social situations and always try to keep within my comfort zone. I am regarded as being weird and that used to bother me though not anymore...I just wonder at times, how would my life be if I had not been bullied?

Feel free to PM me at any time if any of you need to talk.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

Stuntman_Josh · Newbie User Joined: Apr 19, 2008 Posts: 3

My heart goes out to you, sunset. Your story is all too common. It is very much like what I went through in school. My biggest bully used to sit next to me and push thumb tacks into my leg at the lunch table, and would tell me if I made a sound he would get me after school. So I had to sit there, not moving or making noise, while he shoved thumbtacks in me.

When we don't learn to stand up for ourselves at that young age, it seems like we never do. I get intimidated by everyone it seems.I know it's possible for people like us to get better, and deal with things, but it's a hard road. I have been on it for a long time, and I couldn't tell you if I am any better now than i was when I was 10 or 15 or 25. I am 31 now, reclusive, scared, anxious, and angry.

I am so sorry that you had to go through these things, I hate to think that other people had it as bad as me, and worse. At least my parents were concerned that I was being beaten and tormented, they just didn't know how to handle it, so neither did I. I just resigned myself to it.

I know how you feel, being considered the weird one. I am never comfortable around people, or even in my own skin. I often hate myself, and assume people are making fun of me when they compliment me.

I wonder how my life would have turned out, too. I envy people with high self esteem, that can go to jobs and do work and be around people. I can't do it. I leave my house and I have panic attacks. What these bullies do can wreck a persons life. It makes me sick, and I am sorry you had to go through it. I'm glad I found this site, to share stories and insight and encouragement. I'm also saddened by how many people are here, because none of us deserve this.

Thank you for sharing your story, and the offer to talk. The same goes for you, and anyone else. PM me anytime.

_________________
Mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur - The world wants to be decieved, so let it be decieved.

IceNerveshatter · Newbie User Joined: May 28, 2008 Posts: 47

I don't know what to say except that it's fucked up how people can be like that. It sounds to me like you need some kind of resolution or closure to your past. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to get it.

I would reccomend hypnotherapy. It's helped me a lot to deal with my past and to deal with my various disorders. If that doesn't work for you, then at least you're already on a forum talking to similar people with similar problems.