Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: My Dad's Confession
The relationship between my Dad and me has been strained for the last few years because I haven't had a job due to my social anxiety. But I never realized the extent of his frustration with me until today.
I'm used to my Dad blowing his top and hounding me about getting a job as well as threatening to kick me out of the house. Most of the time I stay quiet during all of it for my own sake, but there have been times that I have actually tried to speak up for myself. I suppose I must be prone to doing so in a manner that infuriates him because usually whenever I say something he just gets angrier and the tension between us becomes thicker than it ever should be between any father and son.
Last week we actually had the first decent, non-one-sided conversation I think we've had in a year, and everything seemed like it was going to get better. But by yesterday I could already feel him becoming a bit colder and distant towards me like he is usually is.
Then today he called me into the living room for another "discussion". This one would prove to be much more one-sided than the last one, as usual. He started telling me that he had been going to therapy himself because of me, though no one else knew, and about how everyone agreed with him that he should kick me out of the house.
But what really got to me was when he admitted that during one of our arguements he had gotten so angry that he had been about to go for the gun he kept in his bedroom. He said this in such a matter of fact manner that I didn't know what to think. He told me that the gun was no longer in the house, apparently because he was afraid of what he might do. That's all well enough, but I'm still sitting here wondering how the hell he could even have thought of doing such a thing? He has a friend who went to jail for shooting his wife during one of their arguements and so I would certainly think he'd never consider doing something so insane himself.
I'm not even sure why he told me this. I think it would have been better if he'd kept it to himself. I know he's reached his wits end when it comes to me, but this little confession of his makes me see him in a whole different light. I mean I know we've had our conflicts, but I'm not even the type to ever raise my voice. I wish he were the same.
I haven't felt like I could trust him much in a long time, but after what he told me today I definitely don't. But if there's one thing I won't argue with him on it's that I need to move out of the house as soon as I can. He claims that I'm 90% of the reason he goes to therapy, but personally, after today's crazy revelation I suspect he has some demons of his own he needs to deal with and that he will have to long after I'm gone.
Joined: Oct 30, 2007 Posts: 178 Location: United States
Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject:
That's scary. I hope you do get out of that situation soon. It's wrong for your dad to blame you for his problems. My dad never insinuated that he wanted to shoot me or anything but he blamed me and my brother for all his problems.
That's an awful burden to lay on a sons shoulders.
Though I have a glimmer of hope , if he's getting help for his problems it may help him understand yours better. At least he sees something has to be done and is making steps to sort himself out.
I'm sorry to hear that. Although it's hard for us, it would be a good idea not to distance yourself from your dad. Try to talk more and just get to know each other better. My dad was angry with me at one time and I think it was partly due to us not being close as well as my slothfulness.
Regarding a job, try to find work at a warehouse. Retail jobs can be very difficult for us shy people. I always preferred packing boxes to assisting irate customers.
I'm sorry to hear that. Family tension is a big problem with SA, as with my family. Perhaps talking to a therapist/counsellor about it would be a good step. I believe they are sworn to secrecy, just ask them beforehand what their confidentiality rules are, but I think it should be ok.
I didn't find talking more to my parents got more understanding. Even having a therapist talk to them about it didn't work since they don't know what SA feels like and they will try to employ their own problem-solving skills to what "they think" general SA is, which is usually just a fraction of, or different anxiety than what we feel.
Joined: Oct 13, 2007 Posts: 436 Location: 20-f-u.s.
Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 1:21 am Post subject:
damn, thats crazy!!! What kind of person says that? I know... CRAZY PEOPLE! Social anxiety can be a pain in the ass to some people, but not to the point where you wanna shoot them! ecspecially your own freakin family.
Crap, thats really horrible. Just dont blame yourself. Your dad just has some serious issues.*hugs*
He started telling me that he had been going to therapy himself because of me, though no one else knew, and about how everyone agreed with him that he should kick me out of the house.
But what really got to me was when he admitted that during one of our arguements he had gotten so angry that he had been about to go for the gun he kept in his bedroom. He said this in such a matter of fact manner that I didn't know what to think. He told me that the gun was no longer in the house, apparently because he was afraid of what he might do.
Maybe the incident with the gun was what convinced him to go get therapy. At least he had the sense to get it out of the house. The therapist might have told him to tell you so that you'd have some idea what extreme thoughts he was having.
ljwwriter wrote:
after today's crazy revelation I suspect he has some demons of his own he needs to deal with and that he will have to long after I'm gone.
You're right, it sound like he has demons. Have you ever thought about therapy for your SA? That might be the next topic he brings up (especially if you're 90% of the reason he's in therapy) so you should probably be prepared to talk about it....
He started telling me that he had been going to therapy himself because of me, though no one else knew, and about how everyone agreed with him that he should kick me out of the house.
But what really got to me was when he admitted that during one of our arguements he had gotten so angry that he had been about to go for the gun he kept in his bedroom. He said this in such a matter of fact manner that I didn't know what to think. He told me that the gun was no longer in the house, apparently because he was afraid of what he might do.
Maybe the incident with the gun was what convinced him to go get therapy. At least he had the sense to get it out of the house. The therapist might have told him to tell you so that you'd have some idea what extreme thoughts he was having.
ljwwriter wrote:
after today's crazy revelation I suspect he has some demons of his own he needs to deal with and that he will have to long after I'm gone.
You're right, it sound like he has demons. Have you ever thought about therapy for your SA? That might be the next topic he brings up (especially if you're 90% of the reason he's in therapy) so you should probably be prepared to talk about it....
I'm already in therapy. I've been back and forth in therapy for years. Now I go every week and he knows it. My Dad's just such an old-fashioned guy and he has some very typical male sensibilities towards things like Social Anxiety or any mental/emotional disorder for that matter. I don't expect him to ever change. He may act understanding for short periods of time but he always goes back to that dark place that I actually find so reminiscent of my own. And yet, we can't communicate. I think we're both a lot alike in some ways, but we're total opposites in others. He certainly didn't get the kind of son every man wants in any way.
On many levels I can understand his attitude towards me. I do seem to be quite the hopeless case most of the time. I'm supposed to be a man out there on my own taking the world by the throat. But the world actually has me by the throat and I've never been able to wiggle free. But he doesn't understand that. He thinks I should just be able to get out there and work like everyone else and be like everyone else.
Something else I find peculiar about my Dad telling me he had considered going for his gun once was the fact that he already knew how suicidal I'd been in the past. I've been in the hospital twice because of it. As if I'd need him to be the one putting a bullet through me. That's one of the few things I've always known I could do perfectly well myself. No help needed there.
Anyway, I'm trying very hard to get a job so I can just move out. Distancing myself from him will be a good thing. I am far too much of a burden on my parents' shoulders any way. I think we've all been burning in hell together long enough. It's time I go find my own personal one.
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