Blushing, aggressive-defence, miserable, this isn't a life.

IcarusUnderWater2 · Intermediate User Joined: Mar 15, 2008 Posts: 199

*Warning: VENTING FOLLOWS. So don't make a thread moaning about my moaning. Thanks.*

So i go to buy some groceries.

I nearly walk in to some woman in the store... i turn in to a tomato.

I go and pay for some groceries... cashier starts talking... i turn in to a tomato.

I go to another supermarket and buy some more groceries... i head to the checkout... chick at the till starts talking and being friendly... but... i turn in to a tomato.

Everyone feels so awkward because i go bright red. I then can't bare to open my mouth and talk because of the humiliation. It never gets any better.

ffs. I can't keep telling myself i will grow out of it. I am crippled by my anxiety.

EVERYTIME someone talks to me i turn red and make them feel awkward. It is basic communication and i can't handle it.

I usually snap at people so they don't initiate conversation. I never look at them in the eyes either. i snatch the receipt out of their hands. I feel burning eyes from the people in the queue behind me. i feel like i am always in the way.

I come across as a moody grumpy bastard. I am in the outside world.

Everything i do outside of my house is stressful. So much so i barely go out. I never go out on my own. I can't face meeting up with friends... people that used to be my friends anyway.

I am years behind my peers.

I am totally overwhelmed by the thoughts that i should have done X,Y and Z by now seeming as everyone else has been there, seen it, done it.

I am in a bubble of denial and avoidance.

I have no idea how to be spontanious.

WTF is spontanious?

My counsellor challenged me to be spontanious during our session this week. I had no freaking idea what to do. So i re-arranged some things in the room and that was it. HOW DO U BE SPONTANIOUS WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN AN ANXIOUS COWARD AND PARANOID FOR YEARS?

i am so angry and bitter. Why don't i believe in myself? Why can't i talk to the opposite sex?

why do i bend over backwards to keep everyone happy?

I am getting walked over by everyone... but the person who walks over me the most is myself.

I know the cure to my problems but i am unable to apply them.

Am i manifesting my own destiny or is there an escape? Save me.

dottie · Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:28 am Post subject:

you are just like me. exactly.

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“Patterning your life around other’s opinions is nothing more than slavery.” Lawana Blackwell

Kien · Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:47 am Post subject:

Blushing sounds very bad. Sad

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Stop making kids.
Compulsory sterilization is good.
More security. Less freedom.
The word "cowardly" is often used as another word for effectivly.

Sacrament · Advanced User Joined: Aug 15, 2006 Posts: 440

My blushing isn't that bad. While it is true that I go red easily (as in, just by being in the sun for a bit or having an attractive girl talk to me or laughing etc), I can go shopping, answer the phone or do other things that don't require a lot of interaction just fine. Sometimes I think that it's not really SA, but really bad self-esteem and so forth.

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Alas! Our dried voices, when we whisper together, are quiet and meaningless as wind in dry grass or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar.