Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Posts: 41 Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 4:37 am Post subject:
Rainbowstar wrote:
Hi Sebr 3,
Welcome to the forum!
I'm 24. I don't have a girlfriend and the only girls I know are acquaintances. In my family, everyone is a male except my mum and I went to a boy's school. So, I've had minimal experience with girls. I'm at uni now and I'm starting to chat more to girls and learning how to communicate with them.
Regarding your comments about good looks, some girls may go for good looks others for personalities or both. It is interesting to note that good looking couples don't necessarily have the best relationships (Jennifer Anistron and Brad Pitt, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe). Also, many good looking Hong Kong pop stars are single.
My approach would be to keep finding the right person. I would rather be single and keep searching rather than be a unsatisfying and unfulfilling relationship. Personality does count in the long run. People get accustomed to the good looks and it is personality that matters when problems occur in a relationship. Every relationship is going to have problems (e.g. arguments etc) and this is when the right personality matters (e.g. maturity), not looks. That's my view.
A good post, and yes, personality and the content and quality of a persons character are what counts, if a relationship is going to last. But most importantly there has to be trust.
The problem with dating today, is that is has become so superficial,shallow and fake, and unfortunately too many women are expecting Brad Pitt, and won't accept anything less (in their eyes).
Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Posts: 41 Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 5:12 am Post subject:
recluse wrote:
Sebr3 wrote:
recluse wrote:
Sebr3 wrote:
recluse wrote:
Hi 27 year old here, have hugged two girls (not including my sister) in my life and kissed one girl on the lips, but never had a girlfriend. It really depresses me because i know i will respect a girl, but my self esteem is so low i can't imagine a girl ever liking me. If we don't have confidence in ourselves then we don't have belief that we are attractive to women. I hate feeling so inexperienced, i mean i have no confidence to start talking to women and i see the asshole type guys getting the girl. One asshole from work made a snide comment that i don't know how to talk to women, and comments like this drag me even further to a pit of despair.
Girls always see me as a weirdo probably because i start acting panicky and weird.
Shit time is running out!
Hi there Recluse, yes I can certainly relate to your story and I can feel your pain.
People who are not in our situation, will often dispense the same old tired advice eg. "you need confidence" etc,etc. What these people don't realise is that confidence is not something you can buy from a shop, or you get from a pill prescribed by your Doctor.
Confidence comes from three words, they are: "Previous, Performance, Accomplishment", which basically means if you know you have done it before successfully you know you can do it again. When shy and quiet guys like me keep getting rejected (even by ugly women), your confidence gets beaten down so badly, any motivation you have to approach women effectively gets killed, because you are not confident of success.
Yes, unfortunately the asshole guys,aka bad boys and thugs, sadly seem to be more successful at dating than us nice guys. But in the end, the braindead females that date and sometimes marry these creeps will end up getting burned, so no loss there. With regards to that asshole at your workplace who put you down, that was very cruel and insensitive, he sounds like the type of guy who laughs at people in wheelchairs or people who are mentally or physically handicapped. He is just a prick, and you should ignore him.
You are still a young man at 27, and I hope you find the woman of your dreams, you sound like a decent person. Unfortunately, I am not sure what the answer to our problems with women, as I have never had any success myself.
All the best to you.
Hi. It's true that confidence is not something that can be brought. A person must take the risk and realise that rejection is a fact of life, but a shy person with low self esteem like myself will not take that risk in the first place, i mean every guy has been rejected at some point but confident guys seem to be able to shrug the rejection off, whereas guys like us are hurt deeply by rejection and we only remember the things which have hurt us.
Well this guy at work even makes fun of his ''friends'' so what chance is there for anyone else if he is this disloyal? He is not exactly popular at work because he is a poser, but i've seen him when i used to out drinking with workmates with a different girl each time. This is one reason why i don't bother going with my workmates drinking anymore (not even at Christmas)
You have made some good points in particular regarding rejection.
Even the most accomplished womaniser or "player" sometimes gets rejected, I don't think there is a man on earth, who has a 100% success rate with women (unless he is Brad Pitt, or some other type of celebrity). Rejection itself is no such a bad thing, as long as you have a few successes along the way. Unfortunately, for us guys that have never had girlfriends, your confidence is low because you don't think you can do it, plus you don't have any success to measure yourself against.
Speaking for myself, I take rejection very personally, and find it very painful. It's not because I think I have a god given right to a girlfriend/wife, it's because you see men who treat women like shit succeed at dating, whereas us decent guys are left to rot alone. It's as if we are being punished for being brought up by good parents who taught us decency and respect, and treating others, the way you would liked to be treated.
Going to back to that jerk at your workplace, it sounds like he needs a good beating around the head, he sounds like a "category 5 wanker". Sadly, many women today find negative attributes in men (eg.abusive,rude,violent, unfaithful etc), as being attractive, and seem to gravitate towards these creeps like flies to shit. Whenever you hear a woman saids she wants a guy who is nice, don't believe her, she is full of shit, and is talking through her arse. Women love their bad boys and thugs, they seem to think that being a violent and abusive man is showing male strength, when we know this totally false.
Do you think that women who go for these type of guys have low self-esteem? Why else would a woman put up with being treated like shit? My sister is a good example of this; She was married to an asshole from hell for a year, who used her for her money because she worked and he sat at home, he also turned out to be a paedophile and has just recently been jailed. Thank god she got divorced in time! My sister seems to end up with assholes because she is too naieve and she thinks that attention from any man, even if he was a serial killer makes her feel good about herself, i feel like screaming at her sometimes.
There are several theories flying around as to why some women are attracted to abusive/dysfunctional men, they are:
1) Women see the unpredictable nature of these men as exciting and entertaining, and see decent men as "boring".
2) Women mentally have not evolved since the caveman days, when women back then would gravitate towards the bad ass of the tribe for protection from all the horrible creatures that could have bitten your head off eg. sabre tooth tigers.
3) Some women themselves were raised in abusive/dysfunctional families, and the see the mistreatment of women as normal.
4) Some women think that true male strength is to be abusive/or violent, and in a perverted way think that this is projecting confidence, which we all know is absolute rubbish. Much of the confidence abusive men project is often fake, and is a smokescreen for their own low self esteem.
There are many other reasons, but the above ones seem to be the main reasons some women love their bad boys and thugs.
With regards to your sister, what can I say??? I don't wish to be too critical, as she is your sister, and you love her dearly, but if she doesn't start to take responsibility for her poor relationship choices, then she is going to end up as a bitter and damaged person. I have been rejected by two women, who gave me the old "you are nice guy, but I just want to be friends" line, when these same women opened up to me about how their ex-boyfriends would abuse them or cheat on them.
Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Posts: 41 Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 5:16 am Post subject:
Ken wrote:
I'm 21 and i haven't been able to get a girlfriend yet, but that probably because i have isolated myself so much. What sucks the most is that i have a friend who is average looking at best and yet he gets girls left and right with ease.
Yes, some average looking guys excel at dating, but we are talking about less than 5% of the male population. These average guys can play mind games with women, and as much as women will deny it, they do play mind games.
Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Posts: 41 Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 5:32 am Post subject:
Kien wrote:
Ken wrote:
I'm 21 and i haven't been able to get a girlfriend yet, but that probably because i have isolated myself so much. What sucks the most is that i have a friend who is average looking at best and yet he gets girls left and right with ease.
Looks matters little to girls. Confidence and social skills is what they like. A male with strong opinions who can stand up for himself. A male who arn't too nice and almost butt kissing. Many women wants a bad ass to tame to be nice to just her but still keep being badass around others. Girls, these strange creatures. No one truly understands them.
I am sorry, but I must respectfully disagree that looks don't matter to girls, they DO matter in 99.99% of cases, and to qualify this, I will quote several social situations I have been in where the women would always gravtitate towards the more handsome men.
March 1992: Myself, and a friend of mine, went on a two week south pacific island cruise aboard the cruise liner "the Fairstar". On this ship there were more girls than guys, but this did not make it easy to meet women. My friend who in the eyes of women would be considered universally handsome, had women hanging off him like a cheap suit, and was with a different woman every night. Me, short and ugly, the women would not even give me the time of day, and I noticed that all the other ugly/average guys would be by themselves, and the good looking guys would always be in the company of women.
February 1994: I attended the Red Cross "Desperate and Dateless" ball held at the Sydney Convention Centre, Darling Harbour. At the end of the night, all the good looking people were paired up, and just like the example above, all the ugly (me), and average looking people were by themselves.
I could quote hundreds of examples, but I would be here forever.
Yes, in a small number of cases, looks may not matter, but in most cases they do.
I'm 21 and i haven't been able to get a girlfriend yet, but that probably because i have isolated myself so much. What sucks the most is that i have a friend who is average looking at best and yet he gets girls left and right with ease.
Looks matters little to girls. Confidence and social skills is what they like. A male with strong opinions who can stand up for himself. A male who arn't too nice and almost butt kissing. Many women wants a bad ass to tame to be nice to just her but still keep being badass around others. Girls, these strange creatures. No one truly understands them.
Girls definately want a good looker, i know as ive lived around girl cousins and sisters and i just know that they can be picky! in terms of looks, and yes personality is another biggy ...
I dont think they want a badass type either they just want someone who is confident and who will stand up for themselves and will be a leader, in general, not always though, two people can click for no apparent reason, it just happens sometimes. ..
All i know is its really hard for me to find friends let alone a girlfriend ..
I have been rejected by two women, who gave me the old "you are nice guy, but I just want to be friends" line, when these same women opened up to me about how their ex-boyfriends would abuse them or cheat on them.
It is sad that people are so shallow, not only women but also men.
2) Women mentally have not evolved since the caveman days, when women back then would gravitate towards the bad ass of the tribe for protection from all the horrible creatures that could have bitten your head off eg. sabre tooth tigers.
If you're trying to prove yourself as the "nice guy" alternative to the jerks, the guy who cares more about personality than looks, then it really doesn't help your case that you refer to women as mentally inferior/less evolved than you are.
Quote:
Yes, some average looking guys excel at dating, but we are talking about less than 5% of the male population. These average guys can play mind games with women, and as much as women will deny it, they do play mind games.
How the fuck would know? By your own admission, you don't know anything about dating, and you are clearly very ignorant as to how the opposite sex thinks and feels.
Quote:
March 1992: Myself, and a friend of mine, went on a two week south pacific island cruise aboard the cruise liner "the Fairstar". On this ship there were more girls than guys, but this did not make it easy to meet women. My friend who in the eyes of women would be considered universally handsome, had women hanging off him like a cheap suit, and was with a different woman every night. Me, short and ugly, the women would not even give me the time of day, and I noticed that all the other ugly/average guys would be by themselves, and the good looking guys would always be in the company of women.
February 1994: I attended the Red Cross "Desperate and Dateless" ball held at the Sydney Convention Centre, Darling Harbour. At the end of the night, all the good looking people were paired up, and just like the example above, all the ugly (me), and average looking people were by themselves.
1. The only "universally handsome" trait is confidence. You didn't have it.
2. So you flippantly call women shallow for not wanting to hook up with average or ugly-looking guys. And yet, even after complete rejection, you still refuse to lower your own standards and settle for a less attractive woman. Instead you mope about all the good-looking people who are getting action. Who's the shallow one in this scenario?
You don't respect women and you don't care about personality. Hypocrite.
Quote:
I dont think they want a badass type either they just want someone who is confident and who will stand up for themselves and will be a leader, in general, not always though, two people can click for no apparent reason, it just happens sometimes. ..
DIdn't have the time to read through all these pages but all i can say is that i've had 3 GF's till now and i still wasn't satisfied cause the only reason i chose them is because:
The 1'st one was the first girl that told me she'd like me and i was close enough to her to tell her i had SP. But she lived in another city, she was obese and she had a religion that didn't permited her to have sex before mariage. So only kissing on lips, not touching or seeing her naked. But that's in the past. Anyway, she had a great personality and a big heart. I guess she was the first girl that i loved and loved me back, unlike others, that didn't share the feeling.
The 2'nd one was chosen from my chat list on yahoo messenger as the girl i felt less attracted to. She turned out to be a big heart in the end, but with weak personality and antisocial behaviors. By the way, she had a great body (in my oppinion cause i like skinny girls, otherwise she was considered anorexical by the majority) and she was great in bed, but i never got to love her with my heart.
The 3'rd one was also chosen from my messenger list as the girl i felt rejection towards. She was great at talking and i shared the same deas with her, she was i think one of the most talkative persone i've known. But i never got to love her, neither bodily or mentaly.
I'd mention that i dumped all 3 of them cause of unhappy relashionship. Or should i say cause neither of them were good in bed and in the SAME time good at talking with.
So in conlcusion, just being with a girl is meaningless if you don't like her as a whole. I chose girls i weren't attracted to (the last 2 ones) cause i felt towards them less fear and was able to begin a relashionship with them.
So DON"T ever consider being with a girl if you don't like them at the beginning cause there is little chance to like them as you get to know them better.
Right now i'm in deep depression cause that's the way i react when i'm not in a relashionship and i'm afraid i'l do the same thing over and over again...i mean pick a girl i don't like just to be with someone.
I wish you all to meet the love of your life cause in my case that seems the way to happines and fullfilment.
Joined: May 02, 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Rybinsk, Russia
Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject:
Yeah, I have the same problem. I'm already 25 years old, but still a virgin:( Never had a relationship with girls, even as friends. I'm very depressed because of this...
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