I want to die.... I want to die first before my love ones die... I hate myself! I hate how my negative intuition becomes real! Why does it have to be always negative? Am I a jinx? I really wanted to cry now... but as always, I can't do it because I want them to see me that I am strong. I hate this life! I know from now on I'm going to be miserable as long as I live....
Sometimes I have this wish that I should have been born without a family, in my own little planet, living my own life, living with people surrounding me but without any emotional attachment, so that I could only live for myself, feel for myself, worry for myself and that's all.
Now that wish is becoming stronger.... and I know it'll just be a wish
Last edited by wingcharm on Fri May 30, 2008 10:37 am; edited 1 time in total
Joined: Feb 03, 2008 Posts: 56 Location: Australia
Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 10:35 am Post subject:
At least know that i'm thinking of you now Wingcharm, and that others also feel this way. I hope more than anything that you find a way to pull through this and eventually be happy. Please try because we all deserve it.
anyway, I was so whiny yesterday because of a lot of things...
simple things that a "whiny wingcharm" could only whine
- A guy friend visited (that neighbor again)... then we ended up surfing the net and checking his
"Friendster" account... and then I saw in his friend's list
a name similar to mine (you see, I have a unique name so I was kind'a
surprised to see someone similar to my name "even the spelling") Anyway,
I just commented "I thought my name is unique!" and guess what he replied?
"Yeah! And She's prettier than you!"
I was kind'a pissed off by that. I don't even care how that person looks!
And to think that nasty reply came from a guy!
- after that we went outside. When i was about to sit beside him, he transferred to the other side
and blurted out "I think you should sit there" (what he really mean is that I should sit near his bestfriend)
That was so embarassing! But in a joking way I told him
"to stop playing cupid, "Addict"!"
- And then we talked about music, he realized that I love playing punk rock and I was having a great time talking with his bestfriend
because we have the same taste in music. Then he suddenly said "Ah! now I know! You're a "tomboy""
I really want to punch his nose at that time... but as usual, I just replied in a joking way like "How could you?"
But what I really wanna say to him is "Oh! So maybe you're gay!"
- And so we just hang out there until late evening. Thankfully, my sister
is with us to keep the conversation lively. But as hours passed, what I've been
worrying about is that I already feel sleepy and they don't even have a slightest
signal of wanting to go home. And so at 1130 pm. I just told them that I wanna
sleep now and I went to my room with my sister to entertain those two.
That made me realize that I'm not really suited for social situations because
I easily get bored. Maybe it's not really me. Maybe i should stop whining about
being aloof with other people because it's not really me...
but what I'm thinking right now is that guy friend!
He's still the usual funny guy I talked with but he have some moments that
he gives rude comments "out of the blue"... like he's being sarcastic.
But when he sees me he'll tell me that he misses me!
What Should I do to a weird person like him?!!!!
Yesterday, I had my first job interview. I know that I blew it but I also know that I haven't done it so bad... so of course, I failed to get the job.
My first rejection ever! I'm not used to this. Because even if I have a low self esteem,
my "self" did not failed me to pursue things that i thought impossible at first.
And so yeah! I felt really bad but I'm forgiving myself.
And then here comes my Dad... asking me about the job. I can see that he really
expected me to get this one. But I failed, so he's dissapointed.
I felt sorry but I still tried to pamper myself.
And then the day goes in a conversation mostly about "me" not getting the job,
"me" might have failed to do this or that.... "me" have not prepared well for that job...
"me" being so shy... "me" doesn't have the eagerness... all those things!
At first i was defending myself but then I felt so tired, I just want him to stop
but I haven't even told him to stop because I felt so bad now that I deliberately go to their room
so he could say those nasty things to me all over again... like an emotional suicide!
then he's starting to tell me what to do.. to apply for this or that job...
and I'm complaining because I'm not into those things. I mean, i know my
capabilities, so I know what kind of job I should be into. But he interprets
it as being "weak"... that i'm not flexible... that I should change my "attitude".
Now i know that he is blaming me. So now, I'm also starting to blame myself.
I'm feeling useless already. I just want to tell that "I am so sorry, for being your
"weak" daughter!"
But still i cannot help myself hating him. In the first place, this job is my
personal choice. If he hadn't lost his job (just after i graduated)
,he will not even care about it!
I also hate them because they've expected so much from me.
Now i'm still planning to apply for a job! But what I really wanted to do
is to get out of this house... live alone.... so no matter how many times I
fail... nobody will butt in to decide for myself, or to make me feel bad, or
to pressure me and judge me!... and then I'll just give them my contribution.
I just want him to stop bugging me to make me feel bad, make me feel
guilty, make me feel like I'm the worst person in the whole world.
How can i cope if he's there to remind me about yesterday?!!!!!!!
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.
I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.
(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.
I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don't get old..
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself through other peoples' descriptions of life..
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless...
(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.
Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.
God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.(In this department)
-MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK "let's get fucked up and die"
Ok! so my Dad suddenly changed his "tune". He finally noticed.
But i'm still pissed off because he said that I was behaving like that
because of the job interview. Now he's giving me encouraging words. But i told him that
it's not because of my failed job interview but because of him. And he totally
denied it. It's like "aaargh!"... my sister even agreed with me and she told my Dad
that he was actually blaming me. But my dad just kept on denying it and now he's like
"we're here to support you!" "Better luck next time" "there will be better to come"
and he's becoming goofy goofy! And I'm like "Duh! Now you are telling me that?!"
But it's only in my mind because I'm still upset and I'm afraid that I might cry if I
try to speak again.
Usually when I'm travelling alone and sitting in a train just looking at the window... I get this weird feeling of emptiness. I feel like I'm just living in this world like a robot. That I am "ME" but I can't really feel my own presence. That I am "breathing" just to live and nothing more. I sometimes try listening to my favorite music so that I can temporarily forget the outside world and find myself again, but it doesn't work.
Oh I get those moments now and then. They vary and are a ton of fun to think about, but generally they are caused by "thinking too much" . It's quite the problem haha.
_________________ Intellectual honesty is characterized by a readiness to scrutinize what one believes to be true, and to pay sufficient attention to other evidence available
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
78 guests
21 members
Forum FAQ
Search
Profile
Private messages
Log in
. It's quite the problem haha.