Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: it will never be clean
when i see a bug, i freak out. how did it get in? what does it want? where is it going? it freaks me out because i fee violated and confused. "i though i cleaned everything; there are no crumbs to eat, what is it doing here?"
i fear my house wil never be clean enough.
my ocd has actually been ok lately, the spikes just nail me though.
I went through a stage of OCD between 4th and 5th grades. I remember it started with a fear of germs and disease. I began reading books about various diseases, and became so overwhelmed with all the possible diseases out there that I couldn't see how anyone could avoid getting something that could kill them. That's when I began obsessively washing my hands to the point they were cracked and bleeding. If I touched a doorknob, I automatically went back to the bathroom to wash my hands because there might be dangerous germs that could kill me on the doorknob. It was years later that I realized why I had such a fixation. My mother contracted pneumonia when I was in the 4th grade and was in the hospital for weeks on end, and nearly died. Then, after she finally recovered, my grandfather got lung cancer and died very slowly. I realized that during this time I had felt vulnerable. I had no control over these situations, but needed to feel I had some control. I believed that I could control germs from getting to me if I was extra vigilant and if I constantly "sanitized" myself or things I used. It was all about needing to have some control and stability in a world in which I felt neither.
Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 5:39 am Post subject: spider in my bed
a few weeks ago i woke up and when i turned around to make my bed there was a fat black spider in my bed. now every night i check my bed at least 4 times if there is a spider. ill wake up in the night and look at the spot where the spider was (by my shoulder) and not want my body to touch that spot as if the spider left something there for me. ewwww!
you should make you're house dirty on purpose, not extremely health issue dirty, just like, if you're cutting onions, don't care about cleaning up a few shards of onions, clean up less often, use little or no soap when you clean the dishes, when you think about it, all it is is small particles of food you once ate, theres nothing wrong about a bug being in you're house, its probably looking for scraps of protein on the ground, or a place to sleep, and if you think about that, whats wrong with that, bugs don't really play by property rules, and from a view outside a humans eyes, all a house is is material built to keep a dry controlled heat system. in no way other than perception do you own you're home, as for ocd, as long as you're mind tricks you into thinking bugs are an immediate threat to you, you're will try and problem solve a situation in where there is no problem.
Bugs are everywhere - try visiting a 3rd world country and you will wonder, how did I survive. It's yucky seeing bugs but they will not hurt you and if you see them, it's not as terrible as you think it might be. It might feel gross, but it's not gross. Try to convince me otherwise...just a point to note, YOU don't know where that bug has been and as long as you don't know, that should give you some comfort - I hope.
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Doesn't help 100% but it makes me feel a whole lot better.
