Joined: Aug 17, 2007 Posts: 1153 Location: Wales, UK
Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 4:55 am Post subject: I feel unreal and fake
I feel fake all the time. I put on this act that I am friendly and happy in front of my workmates and I feel shitty because I'm not really that friendly. I'm also sure that I am Bi-polar because of my mood shifts. Yesterday morning I was really hyper and I was talking really fast, because I felt a rush of excitement for no reason, then for the rest of the day I was withdrawn and didn't talk to anyone.
Yes!! I feel like I have to act fake all the time, too, first and foremost at work. Not so much anywhere else. That is why I loathe work so much. It's like eating shit. And the catch is- I am a bad actor so it is very obvious. I SO do not want to be there, I don't want to be doing what I'm doing (I feel like a cat getting a bath), and although I try to pretend to be friendly I think it is painfully obvious how I feel inside. Maybe part of why I can't make eye contact is because I feel like a fraud. If I told them all how I really felt it would be like:
EAT SHIT AND DIE.
You're a douchebag.
Your fake hair is ugly, you nasty ghetto bitch.
You're cool.
You're cool.
You're an arrogant cocksucker.
You're an asshole.
You can fuck off, too.
You're ok, I could hang with you.
FUCK YOU ALL I'm out. Cya!!! THEN maybe I would be happy.
But we're all indentured servants. Slaves to this system, no matter how you look at it. I try to pretend to be friendly, the act takes so much out of me. People say "be yourself" but if I was I wouldn't have a job.
Btw, sorry if I cuss so much on here. I really don't cuss so much in real life but gah... I guess this is where I come to vent. Maybe I need to invest in a punching bag.
_________________ "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieive greatly." -Robert F. Kennedy
"A long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy." -Charles Manson
Yeah.. I feel fake too.. I am a fake. When ppl ask me how Im doing, I answer with a fake cheesy smile "great thanks!" and what makes me more fake is that I lie to ppl that I have friends.. Im embarrassed to tell them that Im a loner. I used to have friends, but I push them all away. Actually I ran away from them and Im hidding because Im so ashamed of what I have become. They would so~ laugh at me if they found out how Im living. Im so tired of hidding from everyone.. even the mailman
know exactly what your talking about, I feel fake like Im trying to be someone Im not simply cos I dont want to be the someone I am. I constantly tell people im fine (and even emphasise it), The only people who know about my 'real' depression is my hubby, the rest of my friends and family are not being let in on the medications I take, therapy I go to, and when I hav really bad lows that sometimes lead to agression its my poor hubby that gets the brunt of it. I ve noticed in the past when I hav tried to confide in people about my mental state, they dont really seem to want to know, and never mention the 'diazepam' word to anyone cos then they just think your truly nuts and back off for a while. Ive learnt my lesson and now I hav this 'Im fine' with a big smile thing off to a tee! bet most of us could go down well at the oscars!!!!
yeah i know how that feels.
i don't think acting "yourself" is fucking appropriate anywhere. people say you should act yourself, but really thats just implying be super friendly and bubbly and don't forget PUT ON A SMILE. fucking idiots...
ugh i'm so fucking pissed off now.
I told pretty much this exact same thing to my therapist and he said that I am exaggerating the scope of the difference between my "real self" and my "fake (work) self."
Is scope the right word? I dunno.
But he said that because of my negative thinking patterns (or cognitive distortions, whatever you want to call them), I perceive a huge difference in the way I act with people at work and the way I truly am. But that my "work self" and my "real self" are a lot more similar than I have perceived. In a way, I think he is right.
I mean, everyone "acts" through the course of their daily lives, in a sense.
Even "normal" people without SA or any other mental health problems don't talk to their grandmother the same way they talk to their friends at school. They don't talk to their co-workers the same way they talk to their significant others.
I sort of believe that no one in the world is truly "real," but that we all have a collection of different personalities we use when talking to different people in our lives, so that we can fit in with them.
I do feel how you feel though. I feel fake a lot of the time. I have tried a few ways to deal with this:
1. I try my best not to talk religion/politics with co-workers. Sometimes this doesn't work because someone will bring something up that I disagree with or whatever. For instance I live in a city with a lot of east/west indian people. My girlfriend is guyanese. So if one of my white co-workers said something like "There are too many indian people in this city," I would have to lay into them with something like "Oh yeah, well most of them were born in Canada just like you, genius. Where did YOUR parents come from anyway?" I know it doesn't mesh with my SA, but sometimes that happens. I just get so pissed that I have to say it, ya know? A while ago a co-worker was talking about how the govt in Myanmar was so stupid because they weren't letting American aid workers in to help after the earthquakes because they were afraid that the Americans would invade them and change their way of life. I just automatically blurted out, "Gee, I wonder where they got THAT idea!" in a really sarcastic tone. So religion/politics usually is a big thing for me, because if I were to smile and nod as some racist bigot went on and on about their thoughts on life, I would hate myself. So best to avoid those topics if possible, IMO.
2. I try not to laugh if I don't feel like laughing. This is hard sometimes, especially if a whole group of people are laughing. I feel like "I should laugh, or they'll think I'm a humorless weirdo." But I've been trying not to. I tell myself "If you don't think it's funny, then don't laugh. You are allowed to find something unfunny. You are allowed to have your own sense of humor."
3. I try my best not to placate people. But I do feel like I repeat a lot when I am listening to people, like I say "Oh yeah?" a lot if they're telling an "interesting" story. Or I say "that sucks" a lot, if they're telling about something bad happening to them. So I'm trying not to do that. I'm trying my best to say what is really in my head when somebody is talking to me, instead of just placating responses. I'm surprised actually, because now I think I am listening to people a lot more, and am able to focus on what they are saying instead of just thinking about my reaction to what they're saying.
Another strange subconscious way my behavior has changed to accommodate my "fakeness" is that I sometimes find myself acting like people who I admire. Like I feel inadequate, so I start behaving like a friend of mine who possesses good social skills, and I adopt his mannerisms and tone of voice and everything.
This is illogical in a way, because a big reason I admire this friend of mine is that he always seems like he is "being himself."
So I try to be myself by being like him. lol
Doesn't make a ton of sense, so I'm working on that one too.
Joined: May 04, 2008 Posts: 34 Location: Taguig City, Philippines
Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 10:04 am Post subject:
I feel that I'm bi-polar because this morning I was feeling happy but currently I'm depressed. I tried to act as genuine as possible and I did succeed. People look at me as a happy, interesting and a mysterious individual and I can say they do not know me very well. As time passes by, I want my life to be perfect. Perfection is always in my mind. The thought of mistake made me depress but most of us are aware that no one can be perfect.
I really hate people who pretend, disguise to be someone else who they are not. I do not pretend the whole time but on certain occasions you need to pretend to be happy to alleviate somebody's emotional pain. I love my life but if life can be controlled and changed in a snap, I would like it to be the way I want it to be.
Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Posts: 39 Location: in the center of the moon that glides above Detroit, Michigan
Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 1:58 am Post subject:
Well I can't say I hate the people who don't act as their 'usual selves,'(although I must admit I am chock-full of hatred ) rather I detest the precise 'action' of being fake. Probably since middleschool, I feel that if I can't be like everyone else than I simply cannot be with everyone else. So because I think its either their way or the highway, I chose the highway and as a result I have zero interest in being friends with people who are completely opposite from my personality or with those who just can't understand me. I remember times when I made silly attempts to 'fit in' with classmates. But after that whole circus act was over I would gain nothing in return, except for feeling weirder, stupider, and way out of character.
But I sometimes wonder if my currently dull personality is the 'real me' or not. I like to think that my happily bright real self is buried deep inside me just waiting to be resurrected some day because there was a time when I was just that.
_________________ The Lone Wolf's Cry
Lonely now, as I always was, I cry the lonely cry of a wolf. -By Nadine Mondrae,age 13
Well I can't say I hate the people who don't act as their 'usual selves,'(although I must admit I am chock-full of hatred ) rather I detest the precise 'action' of being fake. Probably since middleschool, I feel that if I can't be like everyone else than I simply cannot be with everyone else. So because I think its either their way or the highway, I chose the highway and as a result I have zero interest in being friends with people who are completely opposite from my personality or with those who just can't understand me. I remember times when I made silly attempts to 'fit in' with classmates. But after that whole circus act was over I would gain nothing in return, except for feeling weirder, stupider, and way out of character.
But I sometimes wonder if my currently dull personality is the 'real me' or not. I like to think that my happily bright real self is buried deep inside me just waiting to be resurrected some day because there was a time when I was just that.
Wow that is so well said. I totally relate to all of that. Do we both feel this way because of SP? Or are we just the same "type" of people, I wonder? Are we destined to be this way?
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) rather I detest the precise 'action' of being fake. Probably since middleschool, I feel that if I can't be like everyone else than I simply cannot be with everyone else. So because I think its either their way or the highway, I chose the highway and as a result I have zero interest in being friends with people who are completely opposite from my personality or with those who just can't understand me. I remember times when I made silly attempts to 'fit in' with classmates. But after that whole circus act was over I would gain nothing in return, except for feeling weirder, stupider, and way out of character.
