Never had a girlfriend - anybody else have the same problem?

Nougat · Newbie User Joined: Jun 27, 2008 Posts: 2

I'm 21 and in a similar boat to the previous posters. I've made a few enemies and an ass of myself a few times by not being able to take the hint that a girl was not interested in me and having a total emotional break upon having that news thrust in my face. So I suppose one of my problems on this front is that I just can't tell when she's not going for me.
My other big problem is the overwhelming body of warm platitudes that people offer as advice on such matters. I'm much happier hearing someone say "I don't know" than hearing "You've just gotta be confident" or "Just gotta keep looking". Advice should not be some fluttery nonsense. I can honestly admit that it's not a lack of things to talk about or a fear that I'll trip on my shoelaces and do a somersault into the salad bar that makes me an awful boor; the problem is I truly do not know what to do. I don't know what is done to create or build on relationships. It's not some vague theoretical question of inner strength, I actually am devoid of knowledge on what specific actions or situations I'm supposed to enter.

But you know I have enough trouble trying to go along with my shrink's pleas to dissociate my 'self' from the way I have thought and felt for many years that I've got less than no idea whether anything is real or just an imagined construct.

recluse · Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 6:58 pm Post subject:

What pisses me off is guys i work with who have split/having relationship problems with their girlfriends telling me ''Don't bother, just stay single!''.....This is sellfish of them to say this just because they are having bad experiences, we all deserve to experience love atleast once in our live right? ''It's better to have been loved and lost than never been loved''....Am i right?

Argamemnon · Expert User Joined: Jan 15, 2008 Posts: 711

Recluse, I actually believe your friends are sincere when they say that. But you're right that we should have experienced it at least once, since people who never experience intimacy suffer mentally/emotionally. One can't escape this unfortunately.

DrunkPanda · Newbie User Joined: Jun 26, 2008 Posts: 5

ChitChatter · Newbie User Joined: Jun 28, 2008 Posts: 7

Hi guys,

I'm new here. Just got to this forum googling on "never had a girlfriend". Actually, i consider myself an average looking guy but i might be wrong and be a lot uglier than i think. Apparently, ugly girls give me a chance, but i just cant fall for them. i always have something more for average looking girls (the very good looking ones are way out of my league). the thing is, how do we measure our standarts? should we try ugly chicks first? although i believe personality, status, age and all that matters, i also believe the looks matter as well, and a lot!

Thanks!

hbanana11 · Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:44 pm Post subject:

I hope you guys wont be pissed at me for posting in your thread, seeing that its all guys....

It makes me really sad to see that you all have such low confidence in yourselves. You seem like truly nice and honest guys. However, I feel almost exactly the same way as all of you except i am female.

Keep in mind im still in high school, but i fear i will be like this for the rest of my life. I have never had a boyfriend, never kissed a guy, hugged a non-family guy, am pretty much afraid to talk to guys, am totally scared at the thought of sex (i swear every person in high school is having sex). Its horrible! My confidence is about as low as possible, just as some of you. I don't feel worthy enough to even have a bf...even the "ugly" ones.

The last time i was asked out was in middle school and it was more of a joke to the guy than anything else. But i wasn't wanting a bf then anyway. Even if i was asked out now, no matter how much i truly liked the guy, i would say no bc i dont feel like im worthy. And then afterwards i would feel like a complete ass Crying or Very sad

Its weird to me though, because i see even the "ugly" people with bf/gf...and completely confident in themselves. And i am jealous!!! So jealous!!! I envy their confidence and would give anything to have it!!! I just cant understand how they arent nervous, how they are SO confident in themselves, because i feel like crap all the time.

But anyway...i know u may not feel comfortable taking advice from a high school girl (its you choice to read it or not) but heres a look into the mind of a female:

1) Every girl is different. Accept this. Embrace it. Some will go for the hot guys, some for the nice guys, some for the druggies, some for the musicians, and believe it or not some will go for the "uglier" bunch.

So, no, i don't believe that looks are everything. I mean, if you have like black teeth and smell really bad...im probably not gonna talk to u. But, there is truly a large amount of people who like even the "ugly" people. Personality really is more important. Keep in mind, the really "pretty" people are sometimes preferable but even us girls feel the pretty guys are out of our league.

For example, you know that a ton of girls have that one celeb crush who is, of course, gorgeous and who they jokingly want to marry. Almost every girl has had one, including myself. We know that there is no way that we will ever be with them and we know they are out of our league. Personally, i, have no desire whatsoever to be with this guy (not because of my social anxiety)....i just like to look at him Smile

...Don't feel intimidated by these "perfect" guys that girls always talk about. If the girl is smart, she will know that the guy is out of her league Wink

2) As i said before, every girl is different, so every girl will be attracted to a guy in a different way. For me, i totally like a guy if they have charm. They don't have to be particularly good looking...but charming. Here are some main traits that nearly every female i have ever known has looked for in a guy:

*First, and foremost, that the guy treats her well (although it seems like most of you have already got this down). Keep in mind that there is such thing as being "too nice", as you have addressed. I'm not saying to be mean to her sometimes but just dont be a total kiss-ass.

*Second, that the guy listens. Listening really is key. Not only will you learn more about her by listening but she knows that you care and she can trust you

*Third, be able to laugh, joke, and have fun with her. Some guys are just flat out stupid and their jokes are gross and total turn offs. But if you are able to take a joke and you arent uptight, you are probably good to go Smile

*Fourth, you are not embarrassed by her. If you are embarrassed by her, that only kills her confidence and makes her feel like crap. On the other hand, she is not a trophy either. So don't show her off and brag about her all the time. No one else wants to hear it and she will probably get the impression that you are using her

*Fifth, SMILE!!!! Smiling is sexy! (If you have rotten teeth or are a some kind of pervert, i recomend not doing this as it will look a bit creepy to the woman)

*Sixth, have confidence. I know this is something you are lacking (i am too) but it truly is key. If you can fake confidence, do try, because the more you get to know a girl, you may start to build real confidence. And for all of you out there who have had the confidence to ask a girl out, i truly admire you.

*Seventh, don't push her to do things to quickly. Be understanding that she might not want to do certain things yet.

*Eighth, be willing to talk to her about your feelings, problems, whatever. This can build trust. Now personally, i think that a guy should always tell a girl if she is pissing him off and vis versa. I dont really know if other girls feel the same way about the matter but i think it seems logical and perhaps a good way to fix relationship problems.

Oh, and about the whole "bad guy" thing, i don't think it is a low self esteem thing. I think they pick bad guys because in a weird way, its typical and they like the thrill. I am kind of attracted to the bad boy type but but more the class clown type who are rebels Smile

....i certainly do not feel any attraction to the druggie, juvenile deliniquent type of bad guys. That, i dont understand at all.

I think thats all....cant remember anything else at the moment. Good luck to those of you who might have read this Smile

friend807 · Newbie User Joined: Nov 09, 2007 Posts: 23

i have never been with a girl
my problem is iam good looking and body building and educated mind..
thats make me in center of attention by a lot of girls .
when girls trys talk to me i just give a short answer and give wrong impression coz my shyness..... its realy suck