Severe eye-contact issue

lime · Newbie User Joined: Jul 01, 2008 Posts: 4

Hey, I registered purely for this post.

I'm in the same boat as you guys. I have plenty of fears relating to socialising, however eye contact is the "root of my anxiety" as Worm said.

If I could resolve this issue, I don't think I would be completely cured however I would definitely be at a point where I can function properly when going out or in the work place.

I am currently undergoing CBT and its only helping a little bit, I know it would be so much better if the eye contact issue was sorted out.
I don't think my psychologist appreciates how bad I find it. I have told her and she's aware of it, but I don't think she realises how much of a big deal it is for me.

I think what tpdarlo says is correct, the typical person won't be thinking what I'm thinking.. "Where should I look?", "What do I look like when they're talking?" etc - They will be thinking purely about the conversation.
So if you could train yourself to do that, eye contact will be less of an issue.
Obviously its easier said than done.

lime · Newbie User Joined: Jul 01, 2008 Posts: 4

PS (hopefull this won't sound stupid) But when I'm wearing shades/sunglasses I find it 10x easier to hold a conversation.
Obviously you can't rely on this seeing as you're not outdoors all the time.

FreedomFighter · Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:42 pm Post subject:

thanks lime , i hope one day we can all get the answer we need

froghat · Intermediate User Joined: Nov 25, 2007 Posts: 105

So, do you guys think this is related to our confidence or something to do with anxiety? Or both? Whenever I make eye contact, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, so I guess it's a real bad lack of confidence. I was shy as a kid and was picked on by a few kids for a long time. I wonder if that caused confidence issues that kept building until stuff like this happened. The only way to overcome this issue is to take it head on and force myself to make eye contact with people. But, I've tried this in the past and it's always failed because I don't know what's "normal" or "acceptable", so I can't get it out of my head when I'm looking people in the eyes. It's like I need constant positive feedback to let me know it's ok. There's got to be some sort of exercise to help with this because I heard autistic people have problems making eye contact with people as well. Maybe something to look into

lime · Newbie User Joined: Jul 01, 2008 Posts: 4

There is an expression "The eyes are the doorway to the soul", while I don't literally believe in that I do think that your eyes prevent you from hiding anything. If you are being deceitful or untrustworthy or even if you are just uncomfortable around someone the eyes are a give away.

For me just knowing this fact, I think makes me uneasy. Knowing people can read me like a book. However I'm sure I blow it up in my mind, I doubt people can really read me as much as I think they can.

ThaKid416 · Newbie User Joined: Jun 20, 2008 Posts: 6

wow i really didnt think alotta other people had this problem too. i find its one of the 2 roots of my anxiety in public...one is the dizziness n general retardness i feel from agoraphobia, then not being able to make eye contact is the "root" of my person to person social difficulties.

Anyways, my anxiety always frustrates me because I manage to control it really well some days (or atleast control the most debilitating aspects of it) and others it just merks me...you think you have it, then nah...fuckin annoying.

So alot of days I can make perfectly good eye contact, but the big problem is that I cant when Im thinking about/analyzing it...whenever I start thinking about the way my eyes are, it kills my positive feeling and I start feeling like Im looking creepy with the way my eyes are cause theyre forced. Then whenever I try to look people in the eye, I feel like I give them this scared/angry stare that makes em uncomfortable. It happens when I pass people on teh sidewalk too...I feel like if I dont look them in the eye Ill looking like im staring at the ground and look scared or creepy...if I do look them in the eye it usually makes them visibly uncomfortable...i hate this shit its wackkkkkk

You just really gotta feel the situation. Eyes are straight up the gateway to the soul, they react really highly to our emotional state so you need to get yourself in one where youre comfortable with the way your eyes are reacting lol...it sounds mad weird. The thing is that anxiety causes a change in our bodily compass to a state of operation that doesnt look "normal". Eyes freeze up, get tunnel vision...this is all adaptive stuff built in by evolution from when we were basically animals. Although some people think the best idea is to focus on "HOW" to make eye contact, youd be taking yourself off the right path. You gotta do what that dude said and focus on things like what people are saying. If you are passing someone on teh sidewalk, focus on the sky and hte nice day, think about your whole body. You have to focus on things that will make impressions on you and influence your state of emotion to a positive one. Then your regular bodily compass will restore and your eyes will naturally feel softer...then youll be able to make eye contact fine, and if you dont want to make it with someone on the street you wont feel like youre looking at the ground. Eventually you forget about the eye contact because youre comfortable/confident in it and its all about reacting to your environment.

I know its easier said than done, and thats the brutal part. You can work on how to make better eye contact in your house by yourself...but the trick is, it doesnt have to be by standing infront of a mirror and drawing ATTENTION to that very issue...reinforcing it as a potential anxiety, adding that anticipation and future need to perform/forcefully meet demands, consuming your attention with anxiety related stuff and taking yourself further from where you need/want to be. The way that personally works for me is by trying to be reactive to my environment (I read that shit in some other thread, swear that was some decent advice) and finding things that influence my emotional state...this includes talking to people. Relating their experiences to me/mine so that I emotionally react...then I know my eyes are reacting fine and Im not afraid to look at anyone.

I live downtown in a city too...half my friends are on bail n shit...and I sell weed, so I cant look scared. I always gotta be assertive, look dudes in the eye...or I know people are robbin me for my kush...and then theres the fact that I dont like making girls uncomfortable lol. But somehow I pull it off ALOT in the clutch, and where other kids will lose control of their ability to make eye contact because they have no experience trying to control it...I pull it off lol. Kinda seems like its regular chit-chat where I fail hard.

You really just gotta mentally condition yourself tho...its such stupid, striaght-forward, obvious advice but its so true. It will take alot of tries, but if you condition yourself thatll do the trick...once its reinforced its reinforced and it just becomes the way your brain operates. Your bodily compass will jsut react to that emotional state and your brain will see no reason to change it to anything else. That just all happens once its conditioned to the extent that its reinforced, which is when you can relax about it and stop making the problem worse lol. But I still got a long ass way til I get there, stay up all yall and I hope my experiences helped...

one

victorlexz · Newbie User Joined: Jun 30, 2008 Posts: 5

wow i thought i was the only one that had that problem, but now i see its not only me. thnx for sharing your problem

lime · Newbie User Joined: Jul 01, 2008 Posts: 4

Thanks for the post ThaKid it was really informative. Where is the article about being reactive that you said helped you?

Hopefully we can keep this thread alive.. hopefully it will help others - and I know if I get this one issue fixed I can start moving on with my life.