Do you regret everything?

GKJB · Newbie User Joined: Jun 06, 2008 Posts: 37

Just something I wanted to share with you all to see if anyone feels the same, not sure if its a symptom of depression, but its something that's getting steadily worse for me...

Now that I don't really have any sort of personality (because of SA) whenever I show a bit of excitement, feel confident, act lively & outgoing, talk too much, I end up really torturing myself about it afterwards, going over what I said or done again and again in my head.

It happens the worst the day after I've been drunk. I don't know why I drink because every time I do I end up feeling immense guilt & shame the next morning, because I tend to act like a complete fool, for example, a few years ago (when I was 14) I started crying like a baby in the back of my sister's car in front of her boyfriend and a girl I was trying to impress, I mean balling my eyes like a little girl, this is the biggest thought that causes me shame almost every day, but there are several others.

No matter how hard I try I can't stop thinking about it. I can;t help drinking when everyone else is (plus I really love beer I drink it like its water) but I know that when I do, even if I don't do or say anything paticularly embarrassing, I'll be beating myself up about it the next day.

I've been planning for the past few months moving away from everyone, my family & friends, so nobody knows me and I can make a totally fresh start without having the stupid shit I've done in the past affecting everyone's opinions of me, that way I no longer have to feel ashamed or guilty Sad

anyone else feel this way sometimes?