I'm attending a speech training for two weeks now, and even if I'm a very shy and nervous person, thank God I'm able to survive. Anyway, the good thing is that I met new people. And after a long time of being self-absorbed, finally, I met a person who caught my interest. He is one of my classmate in that speech center. He's not a hunk but he looks good, decent, kind'a shy but speaks his opinion in class, and fun to talk with. And another thing that added to my "admiration" is when we had a "getting to know you" activity(where you have to speak in front of the class about yourself and your family, and your classmates will have a chance to ask questions'). I realized how deep he is, how determined, how hardworking and how loving to his family. And I've said to myself "finally, a sensible guy!"... and what more is, he's my age and he's single! (he said, he prefers to focus on his career for now)
I just want him to notice me. But why, oh why life is very ironic? It seems that another guy is attracted to me and not HIM!
Well! I was able to have a chance to talk to him alone (twice, always in the jeep... hehe!), and it was fun and comfortable (which is very rare bec. I usually feel awkward talking to a guy)... but most of the time, I could only get a quick conversation with him. plus, there's the other guy whom I couldn't ignore also and he's nice too.
Anyway, earlier this morning... some of my classmates had a group meeting (for their presentation) so I was transfered to another seat... between my crush and the one who has a crush on me (how coincidential) And we three had a conversation, and I took it a chance to get their FRIENDSTER account.
When i got home. I checked his profile, and oh God! his status is "married!"... ok! i know he is not really married, but doesn't it mean somehting? like, maybe he is single but he is not available? like he is in a "mutual understanding" kind of relationship? and when I checked the comments on his page... one girl calls him "bestfriend" and it seems they are really close!... (sigh!) how can I compete with that?!
Yesterday, I got a lot of calls from my classmates and friends, congratulating me because I passed the board exam. So I say thank you, and all that.
But really, that news freaked me out. I mean, I'm glad because I'm one of the 40% who passed the exam... but then I don't really feel lucky. I'm starting to ask myself "Now what??" "What am I going to do now?" "They're all expecting from me" "But Im scared!"
This Afternoon, my Dad said something (again) that really hurt my feelings. He shouted at me. But because I'm afraid that he'll go CRAZY again, I just walked out and cried inside my room silently. That time, I'm already planning to run away (I actually changed my clothes) but I did not do it because I'm afraid of the possible consequences of my action(especially for my Dad, he might go berserk again).
Night came, and we have to go to church but I slept because I don't wanna go with him. That's where all the craziness happened. He got really mad at me. He shouted, kicked the door and cried violently. Fortunately, my Mom is there to calm him. I was so scared of him, i have the impulse to really run out to the gate. But I just cried in my room and kept silent.
He then went inside my room and angrily asked me what's the matter. And for the very first time, I was able to say my true feelings. I told him that I did it on purpose because I'm mad at him and that he often hurt my feelings!
And so he went outside. And maybe, he realized what i said to him because he finally went silent.
And so my Mom talked to me, and she cried too. And she said that I just have to be patient and understanding because that's what she does when they fight. She told me that she always cry at night when my dad is being disagreeable, but she doesn't talk back to keep the peace in our house. She told me that my father only acted that way because he felt guilty and he's problematic for losing his job. She told me, my Dad and I are so alike that we often clash. She even read my mind of planning to run away.
So now I felt kind'a guilty for being so selfish. I thought i'm the only one who's having a hard time with my Dad. Now I'm starting to admire my Mom. But i also told her that after I get a job, i will really find my own place to live. Seriously!
it's a cycle everyday and everyday...
my thoughts always sink to the worst scenario.
i told myself that i am going to be ok i am going to stop thinking but i just cant...
it's like a feeling being trapped by yrself.u want to get out but u cant..
I'm not sure but I think I have a classmate who has an SA. What's the difference of an SA person to an aloof one, anyway?
She's really a loner and doesn't speak to anyone in class. I'm pretty sure our teacher notices too that's why he really takes an effort to make her smile. (Yeah! he's really a good teacher)
So one time, there is a class activity, and I was partnered to HER. Well, she speaks her opinion to me, so I don't think that she's a shy person. And then after we presented in front of the class, she got a "not to good criticism" (they said she's too shy, that she have to speak louder, that she's in a silent mode blah blah blah)... I felt really bad for her, but then if you'll look at her face, it's a completely blank expression!
She's not even affected!
So she became my temporary seatmate for that day, and I made an effort to make her feel comfortable. I tried to joke with her (but she didn't even smiled). At breaktime, my classmates are all chatting and she's just reading her notebook so I tried starting a conversation to her. like this...
"Hey! what's that?" (What i mean is, what are you reading?) but then she replied "It's a notebook!"...
if it's another person, he/she might get offended by that reply, but then I noticed her nervous smile. So I continued talking to her:
"Oh! is that some quotes?" and she said "No, notes from our lecture"... and after that I don't know what to say.
Yesterday, I was invited by my classmates to hang out, and I accepted it. While we're taking a ride, the topic of conversation is our LONER CLASSMATE. They talked about how silent she is, how she avoids them, that she suddenly disappears. One of my classmate even told us that she took an effort to be friendly to HER but now SHE avoided her. SHE transferred to another SEAT... They even laughed when I mentioned our little conversation about the Notebook (but really, I did not meant it to make fun of her, I just wanted to say that I tried speaking to her also!... but then they all laughed!)
I then realized that it was the first time that I was included in a conversation about a LONER CLASSMATE. it's like "Wow! I've really gone a long way from my OLD SELF!" But then listening about what they say to HER, makes me feel bad... I had this strange feeling that they're actually describing me but it's another person.
I bet this must have been the topic of my classmates ABOUT ME, when I was in highschool.
So I really want to help HER. But HOW? I mean, i might have improved a lot but I'm still not a confident person! (Heck! I still get easily nervous and awkward with people! I just learned how to manage it.)
I feel obliged to take the step to make her more comfortable with people. I want to say "HEY! WE'RE BUDDIES! DON'T LET THOSE PEOPLE MAKE YOU DOWN.. I'M HERE! STAND UP!"
But then who am I to say that? She might avoid me too!
Get real, wingcharm! You are really a fake!
You try so hard to like people so you would be accepted.
But you goddamn hate them!
You let them think that you're an angel but you're a devil!
You hate to see them confident, you hate to see
them successful, you hate to see them happy!
You are very envious, that's why You love
to see them cry and perish! You love to see them get embarassed!
And you really love to see them fail!
You act humbly, but you are really proud!
For you, humans are just gullible creatures and you have this
mocking laugh when they praise and admire you, because
you know that you've fooled them again!
You're a spoiled brat! you want to be treated special.
and if they fail you or they go against you, you get really mad and you curse them!
You secretly judge people and criticize them. You love
looking at their mistakes.
You avoid people so they would not notice you. But your
real intention is to be mysterious so they would take
more interest at you! Very shrewd indeed!
You act indifferent when they admire you, but you just love
to see them worship you more and more!
You act friendly, but most of them you treat as enemies!
For you, people are all oppurtunistic and they don't deserve
your trust or your kindness! You have to fight fire with fire!
Yes! That's who you are, wingcharm!
You're full of hate! You're just a "silent bomb"!
A very dangerous one!
What you really want is to live in your own dark world where
you can manipulate everything and make everything
happen in your own will!
You wanted to be a GODDESS! That's how selfish you are!
And you feel very satisfied with these words you are typing
and you don't hell'a care what people might think!
This is really weird, these past few days... I felt that I'm becoming a different person. At our speech class, I became talkative, I was able to speak myself outloud, I laughed so much... like I'm getting bolder everyday.
Like when we had a pictorial with my classmates, I acted wackily like them.
Then my classmates invited me to go to a bar and I accepted it (really!) and we stayed there until late at night (Gosh!), and what more is most of the time I am speaking with a guy (which I rarely do!).... And maybe you'll say I'm just drunk! I am perfectly sober because I do not drink! Yeah! and that's the weirdest part because I got the guts to go with those drinkers and tell them that I do not drink (so I bought some sodas) but I had still fun with them and they've accepted me.
I don't remember when I started becoming like this. It feels like I've taken some miracle drug and it made me boost my confidence.
But then my "INNER SELF" is still overwhelmed by these changes. I am so overwhelmed, I'm starting to get SCARED of myself. I've come to realize that if I was not a shy person I may have been an impulsive and aggresive person! (and I dont like to be one) I almost told the guy that I've been talking to that I admire him because of his nice personality (oh no!) and one impulsive thing I did was "I accepted a job application out of nowhere" and now I have to go there for the pre-hiring exams!!!
An article I've read in Reader's Digest 2001 issue:
(Just looking at the positive side of introversion hehe!)
SHYNESS IS GOLDEN
It is the shy, the really shy ones, who have my admiration. They do not impose force on others: when they speak it is generally because they have something important to say, they listen to our stories right up to the limit of their patience, and they are the shoulder on which we most want to cry. Normally, they are much wiser because they spend more time looking at what is going on around them-- and they manage to do so without anyone noticing. But, above all, they have a smile that extroverts generally don't have. It is not common and, because of this, is more amusing-- it begins at a corner of the mouth and then becomes a smile only a little bit at a time.
A big victory is when we manage to stop them from being timid for a short period of time, or when they cease to be shy with us-- it does not count if you furnish them with drinks to get them to lose their inhibitions. In order to be special it is necessary that a shy person feels so secure that he reveals his true self and makes those cynical comments about himself with the confidence of someone who has rehearsed the words before he says them.
The shy are excused from bringing flowers or presents on St. Valentine's Day. it is enough for them to show up.
So I've decided to fight FIRE with FIRE to that JERKY GUY who's supposed to be my friend!!! He's the same guy who always pisses me off and I have mentioned before in this journal! I know I should stop thinking of him but I just want to trash all this NEGATIVITY I get by writing on this site!!!
1. I went to grocery with my sister and who the hell should we see but HIM! I tried hiding so he won't see me but he did see me anyway!
I dunno but my hate for him have worsened. Now, just seeing his face makes me wanna roll my eyes!
So he approached us and followed (particularly) me while I'm buying stuffs. He chatted and I was nothing but RUDE and SARCASTIC!
like...
THE JERK: Why did you pick these bananas? Some of them looks soggy.
ME: It's okay! We're the one who'll eat this, not you.
Another...
THE JERK *while carrying our grocery bags*: You walk so fast, you're leaving me behind!
ME: You're just slow!
THE JERK: I hate those people who leave me
ME: Who cares!
And another...
ME: Oh, by the way, we have a can of beer at home... I'll give it to you.
THE JERK: Yeah! It's fun to hang out then!
ME: No! I'll just give the beer then you can go!
And I'm ignoring all his messages.. then last night he texted me:
THE JERK: Ok! I'll just throw this phone and I'll stop bugging you! It's all useless!
ME *suddenly replied*: Oh! Much better! haha!
THE JERK: Goodbye!
Yeah! I was so rude and I don't regret doing those things to him!
But I also admit that I hated myself after that because I know I acted like a complete as**ole. I even felt guilty bec. he still offered to carry our grocery bags after getting the nasty treatment. But I did say Thank you, anyway!
......
But today.... he texted me again like nothing happened!!! I don' t even know if he was affected by those RUDENESS I've treated him!!!!!! He really pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes, I wonder if a person's personality and "aura" is inborn?
Like, you were destined (or have a great tendency) to become this kind of person no matter what environment you are in or how people treat you.
yes, I've read theories about personality and I'm not in the position to contradict it... but there are still things that are unexplainable for me.
Example
- The twins:
They live together yet they have totally different personality.
One sister is friendly and nice, while the other one is bossy and rude.
And even if they were born identical, you can see that the first one
has a pleasant face and the other one has a stern look. Their
personality is making a mark on their faces and made them look
differently.
So how did they became so different?
- The boring-nice guy:
There is one guy I know who is really friendly to people, and people
treat him nicely but I know that they find him boring, and I find him
boring too... and i really can't help it. He has a lot to talk about and
laughs at jokes like common people do, but I don't really understand
why I feel bored with him. And when you look at him, he really looks
gloomy and boring...
It's like an imprint to his soul.
- Two silent girls:
There is this one girl who is silent and shy, but when she speaks, she
gets a lot of attention easily. She's not even pretty or anything
special to her... but she's got a lot of friends.... effortlessly.
And there is another girl who is silent and shy and she tries to be
friendly with people but they avoid her.
So why?
- babies in the nursery:
All of them are healthy, all of them are in the same room... but how
come some of them are so irritable and some are just calm?
And even just basing from me and my sister:
No one taught me to become an introvert, yet, all my life I am shy...
and nobody taught my sister to be outgoing, yet she loves meeting
people!...
but we were treated the same by my parents,and we live in the same
environment, we have the same friends before and we went to the
same school. So why?
However, i still believe that a person can improve. But i can't help thinking that maybe, each individual has their own "personality imprint" that will never going to change because it is really who he/she is.
It might be a bitter truth but there are really somethings that we can't control by ourselves.
Like me, even if I learn to interact with people... i know, that my own soul is an introvert and struggling to change that trait will only make me miserable (because I tried), so i just have to accept it and love myself.
And maybe it's partly the reason why some of us are still struggling of SA.
Because: Maybe, we're aiming too much... maybe we're trying so hard to be sociable even if we're not really that kind of person. i'm not saying that we should quit interacting with people. It's just that we have to know our limitations. Maybe were not really good in social situations, but we can ATLEAST LEARN how to look at them in the eyes, give a shy smile or talk even for a little while.
And who might know? With that gradual and little learning we might be able to improve more than we expected?
And then, we just have to ACCEPT who we are.
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And we three had a conversation, and I took it a chance to get their FRIENDSTER account.
