rambling on and on

Chrisfishes · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 6:57 pm Post subject: rambling on and on

I am only just beginning to understand my sp. But I still have many questions with no one to answer them so I hope you guys don't mind if I ask you.
I went to see a therapist about 10 times from october to feb. She was primarily a hypnotherapist, but I didn't find that part too helpful. I went to her still not knowing what a social phobia was, and through talking about my life I began to see things from another perspective. I began to realize how much time I spent on my own growing up. My parents tell me that even from the youngest age I never wanted to partcipate in social situations, sometimes I would be alright if one person came to our house but no more than one. They never pushed me to do anything, they found if they left me on my own I was happy. Between the ages of 8 and 12 I went to a private school where I had to wear a jacket and tie everyday, it was torture. I began to suffer from many physical symptoms, splitting headaches, bad allergies, muscular injuries(these ones i think i faked mostly to get out of sports and go home early) the list goes on. I saw various doctors but nothing seemed to make a difference. I told the i hated the school but couldn't give a reason. They gave in to me agian and sent me to another school 2 hours away where I lived. It was much smaller, no suits, and tonnes of fields, forests, a lake. All of my headaches, allergies went away and I aws happy. It lasted to about sixteen I told my parents I wanted to change schools again, for no real reason other than I didn't like it. They gave in again and I went to a local public school with intentions of getting in the local social scene I everything would be great. How wrong was I. 1500 teenagers I didn't know... but with no real effort I found myself a girlfriend. I was found girls easier to talk to, less threatening i guess. It lasted maybe 2 weeks and I ended it not knowing why but that it had to be done. For the rest of the school year I spent the least amount of time possible at school (missing so classes that they called one day to see if I was planning to come back ). I spent day and night in front of the tv. I lived with my dad and he still did not want to upset me, so he left me alone. I became fascinated with serial killer books, that scares me a bit now. before I new it a couple of years had gone by. I had gotten a part time job as a dishwasher and from that decided I wanted to be a chef. I moved away from home got an apartment on my own and spent the year going to and from school. I did't have anyone but my mum and brother for one dinner in my apartment the whole time.. Again the tv was my best friend. As a young boy I had dreamed of living in the caribbean, so that was what I did. I spent the first couple of weeks in my room but after my first ecstacy experience (which was the first social event of my life that I enjoyed). I became a scuba instructor and loved being underwater. I didn't like the classroom stuff but when you teach the same thing over and over it became quite enjoyable as I got more comfortable with it. But even on a small island I found myself going to deserted beaches on my own and as I was known through the town I could just wave to people but found I did't talk to anyone unless it was needed. After 4 years it was time to go. I met my current girlfriend there and we have been travelling together. We ended up sailing across teh atlantic from antigua to mallorca in spain when I am now. I have been here 2 years but am leaving agian in may. This time my girlfriend and I are splitting up though. So back to my therapist ... she says I am a loner and If i am on my own I am happy. So she thinks if I accept that I will be happy. I am much happier on my own, even when my girlfriend goes out I feel relived at home. My plan from here is to return to the caribbean and live the simple life again. Maybe build a house, i reckon if I get back to basics in life it will let me understand more about myself. I have my only real friends on the same island so that will help.
I also remember thinking for years that if I sat back and waited things would happen on their own, i guess i sort of disconnected from the world.
So how i feel now is that I am tense around everyone, even my girlfriend. I found drugs(illegal) a great way to kill my anxiety in the past but I am over them now. Even the idea of living in north amrica scares me. Now I live on top of a mountian in mallorca with no neigbours. And I hate going out. So my main question is do you guys wish you were social? Are we all loners... if not what's the difference?

unleashed · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 7:38 pm Post subject:

im a loner but i dont want to break into a mad sweat everytime i go to the shops. i dont need people around me...but i have some things i need to get done sometimes and sp kills that.

Crimefish · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 8:27 pm Post subject:

I'm a loner, but I still need to ditch the SA so I can get a job and stuff like normal people. I hate having no money.

Scottish_Player · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 8:45 pm Post subject:

Iam always happier on my own,even when i think in too my future and iam making plans its always just me in the plans and i dont see a gf or famlay ,its gets to me sumtimes when i think of my self growing old with no famlay around me and being one of those old men that dies and lays undescovered for weeks and no one notices,and the only reason i will be discovered is because of the decomposing smell,anyway i will wait and see what the futre holds for me Crying or Very sad

racheH · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 9:29 pm Post subject:

Chrisfishes · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 9:33 pm Post subject:

Thanks for the inspiring replies. I have found joy with people in the past but not recenltly. I hope moving to place I feel comfortable will help me conquer my fears.

seek · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 9:33 pm Post subject:

i would just like to find a girl with a view like mine... maybe we can be loners together? i really dont know if that will work. i havent found a girl like that yet.

_________________
And if they stare, just let them
burn their eyes on you...

Chrisfishes · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 9:35 pm Post subject:

I have the perfect girl right now, only she finds minds my ideas a bit scary. I have turned her into a hermit for a year but she has had enough.

racheH · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 9:58 pm Post subject: Apology

To any one who read my last post before I edited it, please discount what I said about loners having scitzotypal personality; that's something quite different! Laughing

. Have now corrected it and am going back to bed. Goodnight

_________________
'Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else' ~ Liza Minnelli

Chilling__Echo · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 10:32 pm Post subject:

reading your post sounded so nice at the end Chrisfishes about the whole island thing, in Spain, i hope it's as nice as it sounds to me!

i don't think i'm a loner at all, i just think i've molded myself to that lifestyle. i'm ok with it. i am very independent, i'd rather do things by myself, but in the end i want to be with people! just not too many.