Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 3:07 pm Post subject: Desperate for a girlfriend
I often look at this site but haven't posted anything in a while. I'm not good at committing myself to posting on forums but I need to reach out to people right now.
I know that I'm not alone on here in starting a thread like this and that there are many guys on here in the same situation. But I wanted to write about how I've been feeling lately since it's the worst I've felt about being single in a long time. I've read similar threads but didn't really want to hijack someone else's.
So I'm three months away from becoming 34 and I feel absolutely hopeless. I'm constantly caught between feeling it surely can't be too long before I find someone and wondering whether I should just put an end to my sorry existence. I know that this won't be possible anyway. I often have thoughts about wanting to die but I'm not able to harm myself. I regularly wish that I could just die in my sleep, leave this life painlessly. My life is going nowhere and I don't know how to move on from my obsessive thoughts.
I've only had one "girlfriend" and she was 11 years older than me and it never felt like a proper relationship. She decided to end what little we had left of the friendship and then I've heard nothing from her since last November when she called me unexpectedly. Her mobile number doesn't work anymore but it was probably for the best that what little we had came to an end.
I'm feeling really inadequate about my inexperience at the moment. I've tried not to think so much about it and my desire for a relationship for some time but the emptiness of my existence has really hit me lately.
For the last few months I've been spending a lot of time on sites such as AnxietyTribe, DepressionTribe and SocialAnxietyFriends. These ARE good sites and I have been able to chat and communicate with others on there. But from initially thinking they were sites for anxiety and depression sufferers to hopefully meet other sufferers of the opposite sex, I've been proved very wrong. The "dating status" on so many women's profiles on there indicate that they are "in a relationship", "married", "engaged", "in love" and even "hopelessly in love"!! I always think that sounds kind of strange for someone with depression or anxiety to be hopelessly in love! So I generally don't bother to contact these women although I have had friend requests from some who are in relationships. A lot of them aren't looking for a partner, they just want to talk to others of both genders about their illness and interests which is fair enough.
But for someone as desperate as I am to find a girlfriend it becomes really frustrating after a while. Especially when so many have had what I want so much. I hate envying others as it's so self destructive but I also wonder sometimes whether some of these people even really suffer from anxiety and depression! At least to the severity that I do. I'm so lonely and longing for a relationship that I feel the compulsion to welcome new and seemingly single women to the sites in the hope of, at the very least, making contact with them and if possible becoming friends even if this is only online. I don't actually EXPECT to hear from anyone I welcome or leave friendly comments on their profiles which is just as well as I often hear nothing. (To my amazement, I have even noticed that some of them DELETE my comments which does even more to damage me psychologically and lower my self esteem.) But I know that if I didn't make the first move then I probably wouldn't hear from anybody! I'm not very good at knowing what to say unless I notice something that they have in common with me. But I have to keep trying in the hope of getting women to notice my profile who might actually like me.
I've had other upsetting experiences recently when a few girls who were on my "friends" lists stopped communicating with me (when they had before) and ignored my comments and messages. I don't think I'd feel so bad about them not replying if they were ignoring others and not logging in but I still see them talking to others including younger men that they appear to get on really well with. I don't want to ask them why they are ignoring me or talk about it with others on mine and their friends list because, from past experience, I would probably be made out to be the person who was in the wrong.
There are some women I enjoy chatting to but they live too far away so it's unlikely that I will ever meet them. I wasted five months last year being led on by an American woman who dropped me with no explanation and has ignored my attemts to contact her since. I've been ignored a lot online and I appreciate what some have said that it's because the women on these sites receive so many messages and they can be overwhelmed by them. But it still doesn't make me feel any better about myself, in fact much worse when I'm ignored or rejected.
There are a few FREE dating sites I joined but I never did anything or tried to send out messages because people on them seemed cliquey (like in the forums) and I'm too honest about my mental health problems. I really want to meet a woman who understands about Social Anxiety, OCD and depression rather than someone who was ignorant of any kind of mental illness or social problems.
So, anyway, if I haven't bored everyone with this long thread, I would appreciate hearing from anybody. I'm at a total loss to know what to do next but I know there will be many others just as pissed off with their lives.
I'm 21 years old (female), i have had 1 serious boyfriend (4 years together), he compleetley broke me and nocked all my confidence, since that i have become agraphobic.
I want a relasionship so bad, but i have not yet met a man that is willing to be with a woman who can't leave the house :/
I think not having a significant other is probably the worst part of social anxiety for me. And I'm also trying to figure out just how to go out and find that special someone as I've tried other things that just didn't work out. You're trying to meet people on the internet so that could be the wrong start there. People can be completely different in actual life than they seem on the internet. You could waste months communicating with someone online in the hopes that they could become your significant other. When you do finally meet up they're completely different from what you expected and there's just no chemistry between you. Online friends are definitely something you should seek out but don't rely on it for a serious relationship.
This is just my opinion but what I suggest is to work on ways to actually start small talk with complete strangers including females. I've seen the YouTube videos on "How to Meet Hot Women". Maybe those techniques work for someone with charm and good looks but not for people like us. We have to figure out a way to approach nice members of the opposite sex and be ourselves. Notice that I said members as just focusing on one person may just be a waste of time. Hopefully eventually we'd start small talk with one that would reciprocate interest.
And another thought I had about this is how not to come across as being creepy. Just as an example I was out bicycling on an almost deserted trail yesterday and came across an attractive(to me) female who was having trouble with her bike. I stopped and asked if she needed any help. She said she was fine even though she didn't look it. I asked again if she needed anything and almost immediately I started to feel like I was being creepy. They say if you feel creepy you are creepy so I politely left the scene and hoped that she would be okay. This probably had a lot to do with being out on an almost deserted trail but I'm sure the same would happen in a very public place. Maybe some females on here can give us guys some tips on how to start innocent conversations without giving out creepy vibes. It's the only way we're going to eventually find someone we're compatible with.
It could be hard but if finding a partner is very important to you. You should set it as a priority and work towards it just like you do with other goals.
Thanks for your replies so far. I hadn't seen them until I checked just as for some reason I didn't get any email notification!!
Anyway I'm still struggling with my depression at the moment. I wish my desire for a relationship didn't have to be such a priority. I do have a few other things in my life but they're mainly interests such as collecting rare records and watching old TV shows. Sometimes I think twice about putting them on my profiles in case people think I'm sad and out of touch which I guess I am.
Hope to hear from someone, even other males who would like to be my friend.
Last edited by sickofbeinglonely on Sun Nov 16, 2008 3:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Maybe those techniques work for someone with charm and good looks but not for people like us. We have to figure out a way to approach nice members of the opposite sex and be ourselves. Notice that I said members as just focusing on one person may just be a waste of time. Hopefully eventually we'd start small talk with one that would reciprocate interest.
