Fourteen Years in Prison

bulent · Newbie User Joined: Feb 15, 2008 Posts: 25

I've found this forum recently and read stories of other people.I've always thought that i was alone but now i see there are so many
people like me.Good to know you're not alone.

But i think my situation ıs the worst.I dont remember much about my chıldhood. Can only remember those long and lonely summer days.I didn't have many friends. School was a good thing for me because that was a cause to be with other children. At least i had a reason to go out of home.But as i grew up everything changed,my misanthropy started to get worse.I didnt want to see other people no more.Especially hated other children and most of the teachers at school.So i gave up school.I think it was the biggest mistake of my life.I started to live as a recluse,my world only consisted of the house and its little garden.At first some of my friends used to visit me once in a while but they left me because of my strange behaviour.It was 1994.Those very lonely and deppresive days lasted for ten years more.
I'm living in a country where military service is obligatory so ı had to join the army in may 2004.First ı had to join a battalion for recruites for 3 months and ıt was 300 kms from my home.

Then ı had to go to a some other place which was 1500 kilometers away from home and stay there for one year.That had been my nightmare for years.I had to make a decision between killing myself and facing my worst nightmare.There was a belief in my country that joining the army completely changes a person and when he comes back home he is a stronger man.I thought this idea might be true and i decided to try.
My brother took me to the place where i had to spend 3 months.Those were hard times.Everyone had to wake up at 5 am in the morning and i was a person who spends more than ten hours in bed before going there.There were other difficulties but i dont want to talk about them. Can only say that i was in a huge depression that i was losing weight unlike others putting on weight.I was able to make one or two friends though.But when they ask me why i was so silent,looked so sad, ı was only telling lies because i wanted noone to know about my pathetic life.My favorite song those days was a The Doors song. Lyrics were <People are strange when you're a stranger , faces look ugly when you're alone>

After coming back home i had one week leave but as you can guess i spent that time at home.

Can't tell much about second part of my military service,i was away from and home had to live one year there.Sometimes i felt so bad that i didn't have the strenght to go on ,sometimes it was fun to be able to do what others do.Travelling and talking to others wasnt a problem.But when i came back home i realised that i was still the same person and my avoidant personality didn't change.It's been more than 2 years , and i'm still in the same situation.

Now I have lost all my hope that my life will get better .I have lived like a prisoner for 14 years but i dont think i can ***** so looks like i have to continue to live like this for at least forty years more.The worst thing is theres noone around to help me cope with this illness of agoraphobia.I desperately need advice from people who understands my situation..This is my humble story.

Excuse my English.THANKS for reading...

SilentType · Expert User Joined: Jul 04, 2007 Posts: 653

You can probably get out of the whole thing if you have agoraphobia. The military doesnt want us "crazies" usin their guns.

But I'm the one that runs away from his problems.

Peace

Psychedelicious · Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject:

I can't really give you much advice except for that you can't lose all your hope for the future. There has to be something that can happen, and I know that it's really hard, and I can't do it either, but the only person who can really get you out of the house if yourself. You really need to find a person, we can all go crazy just being by yourselfs our whole lives. Sorry if that wasn't much help to you but I wish you the best of luck. By the way, I am in love with The Doors too.

bulent · Newbie User Joined: Feb 15, 2008 Posts: 25

Thanks for your responses
Posting this site was my first step against agoraphobia and this is a
nice place for sharing our stories.It's really encouraging.I'm feeling
better already.
One small step for mankind,but one giant step for me...

SilentType · Expert User Joined: Jul 04, 2007 Posts: 653

You definitely made a good choice by coming here. There is some great advice to be had within the threads on this site.

Peace

Caseums21 · Intermediate User Joined: Jan 06, 2008 Posts: 115

I don't exactly know what will help you but what I tell people is to find the positive things in your life. No one wants phobias but the only way people can get rid of them is to face them. Trust me, I know it's hard but you will be able to do it. Once you overcome your phobia, you will feel so much better about yourself and have weight lifted off your shoulders.

You know that phobias are all mental and only you can change that. Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel. They may even have a way to help you. You'll never know unless you try. The worst thing that can happen is that they say "I don't know how to help" but even though they don't know, they will try. There are people in your life that love you. You are intelligent, strong willed, and many other great qualities. Just think, civilians know that people in the military are heroes, so you sir are a hero.

bulent · Newbie User Joined: Feb 15, 2008 Posts: 25

Thanks Caseum21
I think my problem is with the people around me rather than places. Maybe i'm not agoraphobiac,social phobic or avoidant.I'm so confused about it these days.

İn fact,it's no problem being in a crowded place unless there is noone who knows me.İ live in a small town and i know most of them think that i lost it because i haven't been around for the last fourteen long years.

Since i have little problem with strangers ,maybe i should talk to my family about starting a brand new life in some other place.

And i hope i can make it.

lenb · Newbie User Joined: Apr 01, 2008 Posts: 6

I've been housebound all this century!! Since 2000, I haven't left the house. I'm suicidal, I want to die, I've wanted to die for years and years. You're not alone in your loneliness.

Brokenx · Newbie User Joined: Aug 24, 2008 Posts: 25

Private message me when you're online, I'm also agraphobiac..Female Smile

zeddi · Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:01 am Post subject: It will be ok

I hope things are starting to look up in your life. I hope that speaking to people here will help you realize that things can get better. Maybe not perfect but better. When I was first diagnosed I didn't know what to do with myself. I had been working two jobs, a full time student in college, I had a great social life and all of that came tumbling down. Now I can only work part time from home, there are certain things I can no longer do but it was worse. I used to have a HUGE list of things I couldn't do, but over the past 7 years of therapy, self growth and group counceling i have learned so much about myself and have over come many of my phobias. The list keeps getting smaller. Make your list and work on one at a time. Good luck, we are here for you.
Gina