Thoughts, I don't really know where your desire is coming from... I do think it's important to figure out in order to heal though... and I think the fact that you're reaching out says that part of you really doesn't want to do this. I think it's really brave to admit you're struggling with this given the high possibility for judgement and criticism. And I'm assuming you're here at least in part because there probably aren't really forums out there for people with this specific problem.
When my sister was a teenager she had a close friend whose little brother (I think he was only 14 or so) ax murdered his family... My sister's friend wasn't around, but he had killed his parents and his little sister. My sister was 10 yrs older than me so I was really little at the time, but I remember her telling me that he had written her letters/poetry from prisson about how sad he was... I think it was a huge moment of realization for me and I don't think I'll ever forget that conversation... I think that people can do the most horrible acts and still, somewhere inside, they have good in them... I mean, we all start out as babies, we all start out totally innocent, and somehow, somewhere, some of our lives take the wrong turn... The brain is a powerful thing, and sometimes it fills us with thoughts that we wish we could just force away, but they are so much bigger than us... I think most of us can relate to that much.
I think maybe you need to go back to the beggining, the first time you ever felt the urge, and try to remember anything stressful that was going on in your life at the time, how you were feeling, anything that might have precipitated it... And possibly you might need to go back even further. You mentioned that your parents didn't believe you when you were halucinating. That might have created feelings of powerlessness at the time or a sense of desperation of needing to be heard and understood.
BTW, some people here create multiple accounts as a way of getting around the posting limmit... So thoughts1, thoughts2, etc.
i would say its important not to go back over stuff in your head on ya own. because if you are inclined to this train of throught, i think u will actualy contribute more bad thoughts to the ones u currently have if you go back over them, rather than 'work them out'.
i would see a psychoanalyst who can work through these thoughts with you, because i dont believe ur problem is cognitive i believe its a sub-conscience force.
also not being religous myself, i can see why religion would help you, if you can find something in it that is. some of the darkest people are healed with faith because it gives them morals and guidlines to work within that maybe they themselves could not find without religion.
if you were psychotic as such, you wouldnt see a problem in these murderess thoughts, therefore u would not be posting for help, you would think it was normal if you were psychotic. which is why i say is a subconceince force that brings about these thoughts.
iv seen 5 people die in front of me when i was little one his wife put rat poison in his drink and he just died right in front of me when i was in his house second time a son got mad at his dad a took a pump shot gun to his head and blow his brains out while i watched third time was a bike crash on the highway 4th time was my preacher he died of old age r i p and the fith time was the worse time a girl got hit by a car and was slamed in to a poll and the inpack was so hard her head poped open like a grape and it was so close to me blood splattered on the car but the thing was i showed no emotion to the last one becouse i was so use to seeing death blood or death just dosent bother me anymore i know i dont want to do it tho but the 5th one hurt me the worse not b/c the girl died but b/c my mom saw how emotinalis i was towrds it and the way she looked at me was so heart crushing i couldent stand it. all these deaths happend befor i even turned 14
Well, my first thought as I started reading your last post was that you might have started "identifying with the aggressor." I don't know if that's something that's familiar to your whether it makes sense to you... I work in a therapeutic preschool and we have many kids who, well, easy example... Dad beats mom. 3-yr-old comes to school and starts going into rages and behaving violently towards children and teachers. He acts just like dad. Why? Well, again, it's a lot about power... If you're a little kid and feeling scared would you rather identify yourself with the scared, vulnerable person huddled in the corner, or with the strong one, the one who has the control... I'm wondering if maybe death became so traumatic for you that you disociated yourself from the people who were dying, who you didn't want to be like, and began associating yourself with the strong one... the one who had power over death. Does that make sense? Have you talked about this in therapy?
Last edited by VioletTears on Sun Aug 31, 2008 9:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
yeh violet tears that is an excallant reply!! sorta goes with what i was saying, because all that functions on a subconsceince level, i would really advice you to see a psychoanylist, i think they could really help you get some insight into this. and maybe do some free association with you. even hypnotheropy.
good luck to you thoughts, im really hurt by your post that you had to see all that at such a young age, no one should have to go through that. but there can be some light for you, if you go in the right direction. because ur a good person at heart, who just grew up to fast.
all the best to ya xx
that makes alot of seens realy i can easly see that happening but i need to find a new theropyst who deals with violent stuff like this for ocd people but finding an ocd guy like that is going to be very hard seens my kind is so rare
Thoughts, while I think it would be ideal to have someone who specializes in such things, it might not be realistic. You could certainly try asking your current therapist for a referral, or you could try making some phone calls. Perhaps a criminal treatment center or something along that lines would be able to reffer you to someone who works within their facility but maybe does outside work as well... I'm not entirely sure that would be an appropriate fit, either, but someone like that might have something to offer. Anyways, I'm sort of reaching for straws...
It doesn't sound as if your current therapist has been helpful. I think what you need, even if you can't find a specialist, is someone who 1) You connect with... It's really hard to heal if you aren't able to do so within the context of a trusting relationship... and 2) you need someone who is inteligent and hard working, so even if they don't have the answers initially, they will be able to find them.
Please don't give up. I think that this is really a very normal response to all the trauma that you went through... The trauma its self was NOT normal, but that's something you had no control over. I'm just saying, this doesn't make you a freak or anything, any of us could have easily ended up the same way if we had to go through so many horrible experiences when we were children.
Keep fighting, you will get through this, it's just going to take a lot of work, but look how much you have gone through already... and you survived. Now it's time to start healing. (((HUGS)))
VioletTears thx so much for the post u have no idea how happy it made me. even if i cant compare to anyone on the same level as me i can still have support from people thx so much=)
Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:22 am Post subject: Melatonin Sublingual helps with Sleep
Hi thoughts2,
I agree with other posts that you need someone to help you get through this. It must be very scary and lonely for you at such a young age. I'm very sorry about all the awful things that you had to see and go through when you were only a child.
One thing I want to add is that not able to sleep really messes up your brain. Part of the problem sounds like you not able to sleep well.
I use Melatonin Sublingual from health food store, whole food, or GNC. I take 2-6 ml. However, some people need a lot more like 20 ml or more. I like this because it doesn't have side effect like sleeping pills.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
96 guests
24 members
Forum FAQ
Search
Profile
Private messages
Log in
