Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: murderous thoughts / the true hell of pure O
ill start this off by saying this is my first time to do this online. i have a rare OCD disorder that's a little dangerous to myself and those around me. iv seen five doctors so far to see if they could help me and so far they have all made it worse or did nothing to it. i have been thro thousands of dollors in meds and appointments all for nothing i have almost been forced to live in a sycotic ward even but was dismissed at the last second thanks to my parents. due to what i have it has all so made me in to an insomniac because it scares me in to not sleeping at nights. this is what i have. at any given moment at any given time during the day i will have a sudden urge to kill anyone and everyone around me it doesn't matter if i know them or not family friend or stranger who ever is closest to me at the time of the thoughts but not just kill them but to do it in a way that it would make them suffer and after they die i want to eat them. i have these thoughts 2 to 6 times a day. sadly the thought have been getting stronger and happening more times a day and they last longer now. and i find my self to start playing with the thing i want to kill the person with. i cant sleep at nights because i have nightmares every night about killing people hunting them down and then eating them when there alive. i scream allot during my sleep the rare times that i do sleep i sleep every other night for 2 hrs I'm to scared to sleep anymore. i don't know what to do anymore i cant seem to cure these on my own can someone please help me or is someone out there like me? I'm 19 years old and I'm in collage. ps sorry for spelling and grammer there not my strong points im begging for help plz someone any lil tip would help somthing nothing is to small at this point i need help badly
sorry to hear about that man, shit can get pretty bad.
I've had some pretty fucked up thoughts haunting me too, though
not as bad as that.first off, if OCD's been diagnosed as the source of these thoughts,then they're the opposite of what you want to do. OCD essentially siezes on the most distressing possible thoughts that occur to you, and then keeps throwing them back at you again and again. The more you fight them, the harder they come back. Don't judge yourself
for having these thoughts. From what I've read and seen most people
have wierd or horrific thoughts; they just dismiss them and are
troubled no more. Unfortunately, for us (I haven't been diagnosed but I'm fairly sure i have pure o) it's not quite so simple. If you are actively fighting the thoughts with counter thoughts or pushing them away, just try embracing them: so long as you never translate them into action.
Remember that pyschopaths and the like, as far as I know, have more of a problem simply not thinking anything of killing. With pure o OCD, it's almost like you're the opposite of that, too far in the other direction: I feel that part of it is sort of like having an overactive conscience that trys to control with guilt and fear not only your actions, but your thoughts as well. Remember that your thoughts alone can hurt no one but you. you're probably less likely than the "average" or "normal" person to go out and harm anyone. I don't know if this helped at all. I hope so. even if my advice was useless, there's still a way out there you can manage this.
OCD essentially siezes on the most distressing possible thoughts that occur to you, and then keeps throwing them back at you again and again. The more you fight them, the harder they come back. Don't judge yourself
for having these thoughts.
What you said is so true FracturedMirrorGuy. I think us OCD sufferers forget that sometimes.
lol and by the way, your nickname is awesome. haha
I registered to try and give you hope. You are not alone, their are literally thousands of puro sufferers who battle thoughts of hurting others.
If you can answer yes to this question then I promise you that you will never hurt anyone.
Do these thoughts cause you pain and anxiety? Panic attacks? If you answered yes then there is hope for you.
Think about it my friend, people who hurt others enjoy inflicting pain on others. They don't sit around panicking and suffering over the prospect of inflicting pain on others. Believe or not the fear of hurting others is a common part of pure o. I find it strange that no one here has been able to tell you that. You need to keep searching for answers because they are there my friend. I don't know the rules here about links but do a search on "StressCenter" and look at the forums there, you will find many people there that suffer with the same thoughts you have.
i registered just to reply to your post too. i can understand how scared you must be feeling but the very fact that these thoughts trouble you and the fact that you came online and made this post shows that you would NEVER act upon these thoughts, it shows that you are a good person who has feelings, i read something like that somewhere and it gave me a lot of comfort. you should know this too, people who murder other people and do acts like that find nothing wrong with it, they are not troubled by such thoughts and they don't think so much before committing such crimes, they aren't scared, you're scared of these thoughts and of yourself you should be assured that these are just your thoughts and not reality you would never actually go and do something like that. you have full control over your body and your actions just not your thoughts.
i really hope you're feeling better by the time you read this post. just pray a lot, everytime you get thoughts like these try and pray, it helps me i hope it'll help you too. i'm muslim and i have a prayer that helps with thoughts like that, if you're christian then i'm sure there must be a prayer that you can say with such thoughts too, please look it up or ask someone for it here, do try it..it helps.
As everybody has told you, don't worry about hurting somebody. They are not urges, but thoughts. The more they affect you, the more often they're going to come back. Now that you know that I'm sure you are going to be less anxious and be less invaded by them. I have similar thoughts and thought about shooting myself in the neck since a lot of years, but now I feel better. So there is hope, but I think that we will be always prone to have this kind of thoughts.
Do you think you are capable of hurting someone? Is it something you can really see yourself doing? I ask this because, you said you have found yourself holding the weapon of choice. This implies planning and therefore the potential to act. I know this hard, but you really need to be honest with yourself because it is the only way to find resolution. However, treatment would vary depending on whether you believe you could act or not. The fact you posted on here suggests to me that you are indeed worried about yourself and the increase in frequency of your thoughts and the gesturing with possible weapons. Have you considered cognitive behavioral therapy? This can be very effective for both benign intrusive thoughts, but also for those who have committed these acts and worry they will commit them again (i.e. high risk sexual or violent offenders). It is ok that this is happening, but do not let it get out of control. Make sure you seek help and try to get to the bottom of what these thoughts are for you. Many people who have committed these sort of acts you think of started out as such, thinking about them for long periods of time. Please stay in touch with everyone here.
I'm on medication and never understood much of what was and why was going in my bain. I'm on three meds.: Alprazolam, Paroxetine and Prazosin. These seem to help me alot.
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