Wing charm... i'm extremely sorry i couldnt get to send you a message... i was preoccupied with work and never got a chance to write... Believe me, i fully support you in this communicating on the thread thing.... I could do anything for a good friend... i learnt from the past that you have to let the other person be in charge if you want to be a good friend... appreciate them for who they are and go according to their terms if you want to be accepted... It's just that sometimes the terms are too harsh... like talking once a year and being mocked for being too eager to have communication.... I'm still with 0 friends in my life... online i do have some nice people and i have my office friend... i think the world of her and sometimes i feel like taking a risk and trying to open up with her in the office... When i am free and i dont have work to do i say to myself i have to try... and even though i've got like two dozen smiles from her on Msn and a really caring attitude workwise... i still have my doubts... she's got the superiority as a senior and also being older....so i'm more submissive than ever when you also take in the fact that i am extremely lonely...When i fail after i try to open up to her i go into the self hate mode and i bash myself for mistakes i made...i was too nervous, i was choking, i wasnt brave enough to look her in the eye when i was saying something... my face quivered, my voice got stuck in my throat... I tried it with other people too but i never made any connection unlike i did with her... I'm the most organized, serious, workaholic nerd from the outside but from the inside i am like a fragile little guy who would blast himself into pieces if he let down anyone who was nice to him... In the end i just think i shouldnt have been born, i'm just too much trouble for everyone... everywhere i go people seem upset cos of my too nice attitude, and i hate to hurt them like this... when it comes to my work place friend i feel like asking her to flatten me to the ground cos of my attitude...
Yeah, I know it's better to be tough and optimistic...
But I guess I'm getting exhausted.
It's like all my efforts are in vain.
I know that I shouldn't give up... i know there are still other opportunities... I know that somehow, i was able to learn new things...
I know that I'm not alone and I know that life goes on.
But really, life gets so tiring. What I wanna do is to quit and run away from this world. I just want to live free but this damn world makes it complicated for me!
Maybe I'm an alien. Maybe I was born in a wrong time and place.
Or maybe, my existence is just a total waste.... I'm just a trash trying so hard to be human.
The most sensible thing to do is to die... heck! it's not appropriate to use that word for me... I don't even have a life! No wonder I always feel empty, because i am actually nothing.
I'm not sorry for myself... I feel sorry for my family and everyone who bothered to believe in me. They don't know that I'm a living FAILURE.
So apart from a few things in my earlier post in this thread i feel dreadful about stuff i wrote... I'd like to write about a few nice things this time... I'm putting up a very good fight against SA... you know, all the times i keep ranting about how depressing my life has been... I just cant think of anything specifically positive right now... I dont know i might have just lost the feeling of being positive, i dont even know how to be positive anymore... How do you expect to write positive things if you're not feeling positive... Truth is i'm hanging on and it's making me feel like throwing up... Now i bash myself when i think that i'm thinking so much shit right now and i have some really nice internet friends and some nice things have happened to me in the past... I dont know it's just loneliness and no friends at the end of the day... i just dont have any friends and i just feel so horrible when i reach out and no one is interested in me... I cant take too many risks, i'm just not brave enough... I mean do you think it's easy for someone with SA to risk losing another person for acting like a leech... Just felt like venting so i let it out... It's good to let out pain in a thread like this... otherwise i'd be worrying the whole day long about this post.... Wingcharm, hope to communicate soon with you... if you feel like it then please talk to me... you've been really nice... Adios to all...thanks!
Oh, well... I don't meant to sound pathetic in my recent post but sometimes I get realy frustrated and annoyed with this kind of life, that it's better to let out all the steam into writings than to keep convincing myself that everything is all right! Anyway, I'm much better now. And CK23, thanks for asking...
I like to get to know you better with your posts
I feel so jaded today... i know i'm supposed to be watching happy videos on youtube right now... being generally happy... but when i'm out of work i just cant be happy... and it's soo hard to make conversation in the workplace... i obsess over the work i am supposed to do and i punish myself for being the abnormal 'socio phobic' type... i'm mildly socio phobic as off-late, i mean i can really say that for sure cos when i'm working, like in a call or doing some other work related stuff i do have lots of adrenaline... even though it's negative energy where the reason why i'm really working so hard is cos i'm scared of what will happen if i dont... truth is i get the wind knocked out of my body whenever i slip, even the slightest slip and i slip into a coma... if you know what i mean... I dont come off as normal by any means... to the outside world i am just a shy and quiet guy who doesnt say much at all and just focuses on the work he does at the workplace, and at home he just keeps quiet and cant communicate well with his parents... I cant focus on anything happy, i try to figure out why that is... why am i always down in the dumps... thing is, i really cant cope anymore, i tried putting on a mask and being happy... thought that if i did pretend to be happy i might be able to make it through... but turns out i can't.... cos at the end of the day when you're sitting infront of your laptop screen staring blankly at your offline contacts and contacts who are always online but always unavailable you feel that you cant afford to put on a disguise... if you do put on a disguise, then it might be too overwhelming for you... cos the hurt inside doesnt go away, infact it multiplies when you fake a smile and make conversation when you're actually feeling sick to the bone and just want to show your blood and scream for help! but you cant do that cos you cant just open up to someone out of the blue... that'll destroy you completely given your social anxiety and all... So, i dont know, it just sucks... i mean i dont know how to live with no friends to call when i'm bored, nobody to chat to when i'm on facebook...I've realized that's the problem with me here... it's the loneliness that gets to me... in my workplace i feel frozen and girpped with fear i'll slip... i've had some talks, some communication but it doesnt help right now... i feel extremely alone and i cant figure out how to stop this... maybe just keep praying to God that someone from my workplace would take the time to talk to me for once... i mean i am human afterall, bones, mind, face and all... Not an alien.... ... P.S wingcharm i dont mind communicating through posts... anything that makes you comfrotable is fine with me...
uhm actually... I'd like you to send to me your messenger account or whatever account so i can talk to you... do you have YM? you can PM me if you like...
oh shoot! i can't send any PM's and I haven't received any PM's....
anyway, just add me on this YM account, ... I don't know how or when will we be able to communicate using this messenger but I'll just give it to you, anyway... mine is wingsnapz@yahoo.com... keep in touch
I dont have yahoo messenger... so i'll leave you an e.mail... helps to keep in touch... and that's basically what i want but i just keep fearing for the worst... like i'll be like a leech and annoy someone... you know when someone from our workplace leaves (there were two interns that left recently), i hesistated when i had to say goodbye...I wanted to say 'I really want to be friends with you, and i hate the fact you're leaving now and wont be coming back here' but all i ended up saying was a shaky 'keep in touch' with a squeaky voice... one of the interns was a guy a lot most social than me and a lot more together as well... and given the bullying i got from such guys in high school i was kind of not wanting to interact with him at all when he was about to leave the company... but i forced myself to be interactive, i was soo depserate to add his mobile number i could feel it on my face... there was no response to this gesture which comes as no surprise given the excessive spanking i've had from people i tried to connect with... the other intern was a lovely lady a little younger than i am and when she was about to leave i didnt even say keep in touch cos i feared she'd think to herself 'this guy is just like all the other cheep morons who are regular skirt pullers'... so i kept quiet and tried to console myself that she wasnt uncomfortable with me... though in truth there was no consolation only more pain... like another upper cut by the plus sized loneliness boxer choking me again...
I might have been too focused on looking for a job that I didn't realize until recently that "working" also means that I will meet co-workers, which means that i also have to socialize. So I'm a trainee now and I think I'm doing fine except that I'm anxious with all the people surrounding me while at work. Actually, they seem to be friendly people... some of them even approached me and introduced themselves. I know I should feel glad because they're welcoming me, and i do appreciate those things. But I really feel uncomfortable. What I just do is to smile at them and talk a little when they wanna talk to me, but deep inside I just wanna hide because I really feel uncomfortable. They're all so wacky, so loud, so happy, friendly, confident people that I'm gettting scared at them! Especially on dismissal time, I get more anxious because we all have to go down using the elevator and it might be weird if I won't join them... i mean, I have no excuse... I'm on the PM shift and all staffs and workers are supposed to leave the office bec. it's 1130 in the evening so I have no choice but to join them. I know it shouldn't be a big deal because it only takes a few minutes to go down, but they're always joking around and laughing... and I'm afraid that they would notice me and ask questions... because I'm new!!!
Fortunately, I have a co-trainee who's also new, so I have atleast someone to talk to... but I'm still kind'a awkward when I'm with him too because he is a guy plus he's so serious.
Anyway, I'm not planning to leave the company... I just want to pour all my worries here. Goodluck to me!
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... P.S wingcharm i dont mind communicating through posts... anything that makes you comfrotable is fine with me... 
