Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 7:51 am Post subject: Once upon a time...
My name is Katie Lane Luckern. I'm 15, and bisexual. I must say, I'm a pretty normal teenager. I'm rebellious, fun, spontaneous. I used to play in a band, lead vocals and guitar. I'm an artist, and used to attend art school. I'm a musician, I play 5 different instruments. I like to design fashion and I like to watch the sunrise and philosophize. But I also have Agoraphobia.
I'll start from the very beginning.
It was a normal day, last May. I got up, got dressed, got on the school bus and went to school. About two months before, I had come out to one of my friends, who is no longer a friend because she told EVERYONE. I was bullied by girls, and sexually harrassed by guys. I hated school. I had just recently quit art school because I missed my friends, but now I have none.
I dreaded school. I'd wake up, cry, fix myself up and sit alone on the bus. I stopped talking to people at school. I started writing in a journal, the first of many to come. I kept all my thoughts to myself; But because I used to be really popular, I wasn't used to being alone. I felt very depressed and stopped going out because of it.
I had never heard of panic attacks before. So mid-May when I had my first, I thought I was having a heart attack. I was at my boyfriend's house and we were painting. He asked me "how are you feeling today?" (I couldn't even tell him how I felt) Automatically, I felt alone because I was keeping everything inside. I had a panic attack. He told me it was just a panic attack and that I would be fine. I slept in his bed for a few hours. I went home,and I felt a little shaken.
I was so afraid to get another panic attack, that I got them more and more. Eventually I taught myself how to stop them, and how to avoid getting them.
Anyways though, school. I started feeling very nervous and sick at school, but not home. At school I fainted all the time and was in the nurses office at least 3 times a day. But at home I was fine. It got so bad that the nurse wouldn't even let me up there anymore because she thought I was faking, so did my parents. I would beg for help, but got nothing because no one believed me and I didn't even know what was wrong.
I started skipping. My parents were getting calls from the schoolboard and courts. I refused to go to school, I tried to explain that I just couldn't handle it. Angry, my parents enrolled me in online high school. Which I started just last month.
Over the summer I convinced my parents to get me to a doctor. He didn't believe me, just like everyone else. The only places I was comfortable going were my boyfriends house and the doctors office. But everyone thought I was just putting on a false front to get attention.
I get accused of attention grabbing because I have piercings and bright red fiery hair and I used to play in a punk indie band.
The summer was boring. I stayed home, wondering what was wrong. Then one day my boyfriend said "I think you have agoraphobia". I never even thought about it. But I decided to look it up and found out I did have it.
I tried to explain to my parents, but they still didn't believe me.
So one day when my family from up north in Maine (I live in Florida by the way) called and asked us to fly up there, and I declined because I was too afraid to fly. My dad realized that something was wrong, because I had flown so many times before, he didn't understand why all of a sudden I was afraid.
With his new support I felt a little bit better, but I was still sick. I've been house bound for four terrifying months. I'm coping as much as i can, but it's hard. Expecially because I live in the country, I'm surrounded my land and animals. (not mine, I dont have any). Everything is too far away to walk so I feel even more alone. I go out occasionally, but not often.
I'm doing pretty good in homeschooling, but my mom still doesn't believe me.
Me and her have never been close because she was the cheerleader type and I was a musician in a punk band. She thought I was loud, and hung out with too many boys. (only because girls hated me and I get along with boys better, even though I'm pretty femine).
Since my dad is 68 and disabled and mom doesn't care, I took it upon myself to get help.
I looked up therapists near by because the medicine the doctor gave me didn't work and I'd rather get over this naturally anyways. I found one really close and told my mom, when she came home from work, that I was going to call him tomorrow.
Her and I got into a huge argument because she said, and I quote, "I'm not paying a fucking idiot to ask my lying attention grubbing daughter 'how do you feel about that?' ." I finally threw my journals at her (I have 3; 200 pages each) and told her to read them. She read a few pages. They are really detailed and have all of my thoughts of suicide and fear in them. She looked like she was struck by lightning. She was in shock. I could tell she finally realized there is something wrong. But she hates to listen to people; Which is one of my pet peeves because I can start to tell her something and she'll just shake her head and make this face like I'm the dumest person on the planet. The truth is, she just comes off ignorant and bitchy.
Anyways, she still says she doesn't believe me; But, she is letting me call the therapist. I think secretely she believes me, she just doesn't want to admit it.
So here I am. On the computer. Missing my friends, my band, my life. Watching time go by and wishing that one day I'll get back to normal. Until then, I'll just be listening to my music and painting the portrait of my secret teenage life.
Katie, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with all this. It's bad enough to have to cope with agoraphobia at any time but worse when you're only 15. I don't know why your mother says she doesn't believe you when most likely she does, but maybe having originally taken the position of saying you're just pretending she's not brave enough to admit she was wrong. Try not to worry too much about this, just be glad you'll be getting to see the therapist. He should be able to help and advise you.
It's good that you have a boyfriend who was bright enough to be able to suss out what was wrong with you. Going to his house at least means you get away from your own home sometimes and that's a good thing, you don't want to get totally housebound. What about some of your other friends, those you had when you were well enough to attend school? Couldn't you invite one or two you like best over to your house and explain just how you feel and ask them for their help? Friends can be such a blessing. You could go out with them, knowing that they'll look after you if you feel unwell.
You sound a very intelligent girl and it's great that your home-schooling is coming along well. Stick with it - education is very important. I hope with the help of the therapist and your boyfriend and possibly other friends that you will soon feel better. Maybe when your mother sees you are determined to get better she will be more sympathetic and less inclined not to trust you. Good luck!
Hi Katie. Sorry things are so rough for u right now. I agree w/everything Tamzin posted. However, I wanna mention something I've see on this site many, many times over. That is- there seems to be a lack of Self Responsibility. We all wanna blame "them" for our discomfort & dysfunction. I think it's very important to have some ownership in the problems we're facing. In your case, u should look at Why ur mom is approaching this situation w/u the way she is. Try to understand where she's coming from & what u have done to Contribute to her position. Most likely, she didn't just come up w/this out of the blue. I mean, she's ur mom an all- u have a history. That doesn't mean she's correct, that just means U have responsibility in the situation too.
Aside from all that, it sounds like ur going thru a major adjustment phase in ur life. Better now then later, right?! Look, ur dealing w/feelings, home schooling & boyfriends, sexuality, friends, homework, parents & life. Holy crap!! That's heavy shit! At age 15! 25! Or 55! No Wonder ur having a hard time!
Its a time of change for u! That, my friend, is a time to embrace!! But, change is difficult. It can be heartbreaking and it can affect soo many aspects of our lives! All U can do is try ur best to approach it w/ a sense of Self & Ownership. Also, let go of what's Not working. & no longer Try (so damn hard!) to make those things work. It's Change. Things Need to change, ya know?
Thanks everyone! Hearing from people who are there to help is great. And meeting new people, over the internet or not, is wonderful for me.
As regards to my mom... You'd have to know our relationship. We don't really have one. In a way we hate each other. She has said she hates me and she has said she doesn't care. I was different and she didn't like that about me. So we never got close. She was usually never home, and still isn't often. She doesn't believe me because she thinks I'm a joke. She doesn't know anything about me and she doesn't want to. I've been told I was a mistake. It used to get me down, but there is a lot of other people who care about me, so I don't plan on wasting my time on someone who doesn't. On top of that, I just found out she is cheating on my dad. So she is who she is, and I'll be who I am.
And as far as friends coming over... I have a few. I go to the park down my road and hang out with friends. I'm getting out a little more everyday.
My therapy starts Tuesday. I'm pretty much terrified because it's 30 minutes away and the farthest I've gone was about 25 minutes and I didn't get out of the car.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
124 guests
33 members
Forum FAQ
Search
Profile
Private messages
Log in
i hope things work for you