Where do i go from here?

voiceofmyn · Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2004 7:51 pm Post subject: Where do i go from here?

Today I was so close to ending my life. Ive had enough of not being able to be like I want to be, of being a waste of space, for being so pathetic when there is alot worse things that could happen to me.

Im 19. when i was about 15 i said to myself if things dont get better by the time im 20, that i owuld just end it. I now have a month to go.

There have been alot of people in my life, alot that i cared about and lost because of the way I am. I know I hurt my parents so much, i cant talk to them, i cant even look at them, im so ashamed of myself, i often wish they would stop caring about me so i could disappear completely.

I am so pathetic, i am, i know. Ive fought this for so long, and im so tired of hurting so much when i realise I cant achieve what i want.

Im getting help from the health system, but due to my placid nature im pretty sure they are not concernd about me at all. Ive always thought of doing somthing crazy so the docs would bother with me. I think what I want is to be put into some sort of clinic in the country, sounds extreme, but I cant be here any more, it will end me before this year is out.

i dont know why im posting this, and i dont know if anyone will genuinely care, but im out of ideas

take care

Tris · Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 1:37 am Post subject:

hey, i know you feel like giving up, but dont, it is REALLY hard but you gotta stick in there and not let this beat you. there is not much i could say, its hard to give advice when your in the same boat, but I know i wont give up and you shouldnt either, im also 19, my birthday is this month, we both have our whole lives ahead of us. if you feel like your at rock bottom, it could only get better from there right? just dont end your life, thats the worst thing you could do, it wouldnt solve anything.

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Tris

shep · Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 3:10 am Post subject:

You mentioned that you have hurt your parents badly and that you cannot even look at them due to your shame. Well, I gather that neither of your parents are sa and probably have little understanding of the turmoil you feel. However, if you think about it, you really have not hurt them and you should know that your affliction is nothing to be ashamed of.
You also mentioned that what you believe will help is to be sent to a clinic somewhere. Since you are at a point where you cannot talk or even look at your parents, I would suggest you express your feelings, pour them out, in a letter and include what you think will help and leave it where they will find it to read. I just get the feeling that they are unaware of the depth of your distress and will be in a better position to help you as long as you keep the lines of communication open with them in whatever way works for you. Hope this and other posts will be helpful for you.

Orlando · Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 4:29 am Post subject:

Hi, VoiceofMyn, Tris, & Shep!

VocieofMyn,

I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I am 30 years old and had SA for most of my life. I have attempted suicide twice in my life. The first time was when I was 21. My attempt failed. The second time was when I was 25. I was kept in the hospital for two weeks.
I look back at those times and I weep inside. I felt like no one understood me. I didn't understand why I hated myself. I didn't understand why I was different from other people. I couldn't understand why other people were so happy and enjoyed life...and there was me. I usually put a gloom over every occassion. When I came in the room, people usually stopped talking or rolled there eyes saying to themselves, " O.K. here comes the really screwed-up person." Yuck.
These feelings weren't new. They persisted since I was young. In forth grade, I remember drawing angels because I was obsessed with death. In fifth grade, I tore at my own skin to make scars because I hated myself so much. I still have some scars on my hands today.
All, I can say to you, VoiceofMyn, is that life does eventually get better. It does. LikeTris said, you have to work but it does get better. Just hang-in-there. It's good to have a sense of humor. It helped me through the dark times and there are/were many.
If you're lonely, post something. I'll comment. Or you can leave me a private message. I'll write back.
I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I also wanted to say that you are someone....someone unique..someone good....Just remember that......I hope to speak to you again in the future.

Take care! Very Happy

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-Orl

neddy · Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2004 12:23 pm Post subject:

Hello, I hit rock bottom 3 years ago and all I wanted to do was end it as I felt like a reject, no friends, no one understood me. I just couldn't understand why I was so different to everyone else and why people wouldn't accept me for the way I was. I have had big problems with my mum. To this day she doesn't know what my problem is but we used to fight alot and a couple of years ago it came out that she was very worried about me but didn't know how to bring the subject up.

You say you are unable to talk to your parents. I agree with what shep said. If you are unable to talk to your parents and feel that you have hurt them in some way it may be easy to write them a letter. It really does work. Sit down and tell them everything, how you are feeling, what you are going through and how helpless you feel. Chances are they wont know what the problem is but they will know that there is a problem of some sort and are concerned about you but are not sure how to bring the subject up. It is up to you to reach out for help. There is alot of help out there and alot of people who really do care about you. It took me along time to accept this as I HATED myself and how dare people tell me they care when they don't know what I am going through.

I am 36 now and my life is still crappy but it is slowly getting better by the day. I am changing the way i think about myself and just living one day at a time.

You say you want to be locked away in a clinic, I feel that may not be a solution but if it is what works for you then give it a go, you may find that after seeing all the other people that are in there you are normal compared to other peoples problems. Maybe you just need a good councellor and to do some CBT to help change your thinking from being negative to more positive. I was suicidal for many years and it took 23 years for me to hit rock bottom but I am glad I did now, the good thing is that I cannot fall down any lower than where I am right now and I am the only one who can pull myself back up. It is up to you to help yourself. In order for you to be a friend you have to learn to be a friend to yourself. Treat yourself the same way you would treat a good frined, with respect. You are worth living and are unique in your own way.

Flax · Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2004 7:50 am Post subject:

Try not to put a time limit or date in which you should become better. I remember my favorite number was seventeen and you know how when your birthday goes all wrong it's worse than if it was just some other day? That's how I treated the entire time I was seventeen. I turned seventeen and I thought, "Ah, my favorite number, I'm going to improve my life and get better!" That was the worst year of my life. I stayed up many nights just crying my eyes out wishing I was dead. I didn't know how to ***** though. If I had a pill that would send me to my death painlessly I would be dead by now. I even had dreams about killing myself a few times and I actually treated it with joy in my dream which was odd. I even looked up different suicide methods on the net. I had an desire to go out into the wilderness during winter and take off my clothes and walk until I froze to death. Or buying a boat and going to a coastal state and just sail out to sea and eventually die.
The thing is, don't assume if your life isn't better by 20 that your without hope. I bet when you turn twenty you'll have an even worse time since you've put a deadline on your unhappiness. The day you turn twenty is just another day, there's always time to improve your life. I wanted to go to a hospital or something desperately at certain times in my life. I was lucky enough to somehow get out of depression without medical help. If you decide you want to die, try your very hardest to do something else like call a clinic like you said. Or send a letter to your parents like the other people recommended.