New here...I've had enough of this.

blue_roses · Newbie User Joined: Oct 08, 2008 Posts: 1

So glad to find this forum; I was surprised how hard it is to find an OCD forum online! (Well, even this one isn't an OCD-only site.)

Well, I'm 17 and over the last couple of months the violent and sexual thoughts have gotten worse. I've just been reading some of the other posts here and realise I'm not as bad as some, but as I hadn't heard much about this aspect of OCD and it scares me.

I don't have a problem with homosexuals but I always worry that I'm a lesbian. If I just knew I were gay, I could accept it and get on with life, I just want to make that clear. I flick through magazines (not *those* sorts of magazines, lol) convincing myself I'm more attracted to the women than the guys and convince myself the only reason I think I'm straight is because that's the accepted norm. Of course I like guys and want to have relationships with them, but I've never had a boyfriend and worry htat if I were in a relationship, it wouldn't work out because I'd finally realise I really did like women.

About two years ago I was watching one of those "20 News Stories That Stopped the Nation" programmes and there was a shooting that happened here in Melbourne about 20 years ago. As I was watching, it suddenly struck me that *physically*, it's very easy to kill a person, you just pull a trigger or stab or put your foot down, etc.... So that night I got really scared and had a panic attack because I thought there was really no difference between me and the murderer on TV; anyone could, theoretically, kill someone. I hate using cutlery now because I worry that I'll suddenly stab someone in my family. I hate going into the kitchen when someone else is in there. I don't feel compelled to do it, I just worry that I will do it, if that makes sense. At school I have always been an outsider, I have my group of friends but everyone else ignores me because I'm severely shy (I might have mild SP, I'm not sure). Anyway, I watch too much TV obviously because I'm worried I'll turn into one of those people who had an unhappy childhood where they were a loner so one day they just really quietly pull a gun on everybody. I worry that if I have children one day - and I desperately want to have children, I love them - I will develop PND and "snap" and shake the baby to death or drop him/her.

And at the moment in Australia there's this photographer in the news who's created controversy with his pictures of naked adolescents. The whole issue of child porn is is the news and, naturally, I can't stop thinking about that now either. Because I love kids so much I've convinced myself that I don't just love them because they're cute and I love teaching them things and playing with them, that there's some underlying sexual attraction to them. At the moment this is the most sickening part of my OCD because now I can't look at a child without having to stop and really think whether I'm actually interested in them sexually.

So...just a bit of a rant, I've had talk therapy and meds for OCD but neither worked and at the moment I'm not doing anything about it. When I finish school in a few months I'm going back to see a psychologist. I don't want to tell her about these thoughts because I'm worried she'll mistake them for *real* desires/feelings. Has anyone here had similar experiences and have you told your doctor/therapist, etc.? It's so much more disturbing and so much harder to talk about than contamination and so on. Help!

meme · Newbie User Joined: Oct 07, 2007 Posts: 50

i used to feel like i might be a lesbian too, but ocd can do that to you. it might help to know that there was a study done recently about sexuality. they found that in showing images of naked men to men, they were aroused, so were bisexuals, but they found that hetero women, were not that aroused. they did the same thing with images of naked women and found all three groups, the hetero men, the hetero women and the bisexual group all became aroused.

does this mean hetero women are lesbians? hardly. dont worry about what you are, its about who you are.

Helyna · Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 1:40 am Post subject:

Unfortunately, you're very right - it is so easy to kill. But that doesn't mean you'll do it! All right, I know that talking rationally won't get rid of the obsessions, or this wouldn't be a problem. Sad