Dealing with how people see you

blue · Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:36 pm Post subject: Dealing with how people see you

I know who I am, I know what i like. I like music mainly rock and i love art and books and films and im not unintelligent, ive always done well in education.............Then im outside in the world and i feel like im crawling accross the floor, i feel hated and judged, it effects the way i walk, the way i talk and how i look. I feel like people are laughing at me because i look weak and scared and it bothers me so much. I dont know why when im an open minded person , i know its crazy to think this way but i carnt stop it its like an obsession, i have a bad mouth twitch when i smile i only get it when im thinking about it, i just carnt stop fucking thinking about it.

I look at peoples faces those who i deal with regulary and i see how little they think of me, some people overlook me completely they dont care what i think or do im too pathetic in their minds. some are so embaressed by my mouth twitch that they carnt bare to look at me even when im talking to them.

People look at me and all they see is a scared pathetic weak person and though i know its wrong it hurts so much. Even friends have a really negetive view of me and inside i know its all shit but i just carnt stop being this way.

My little lad is nearly 5 and has Autism, I have to deal with peoples reactions to him and that makes me so mad, He has social phobia its a part of Autism along with many other things and thats all people see yet he is an amazing little boy.

I wish people would look past what they see and think why a person may act like they do instaed of just disregarding them as ignorant or strange

dottie · Expert User Joined: Sep 06, 2007 Posts: 566 Location: USA

i totally understand this feeling. it's like we are so overcome by anxiety that we lose control of our physical selves. maybe even a part of our brain is so distracted and overwhelmed that in the moment we cannot fathom how we are coming across (cannot picture ourselves from other peoples' perspective) to control our facial expressions & body language appropriate to the situation at hand. we just look wierd.

i am at the point where i have to throw my hands in the air. if people like me, they like me. if they don't, they don't. i have to work whether these people like me or not. as long as they see i am a hard worker, i'm honest, have a good heart, and do my part- that is all that really matters. (my big issue is work, so that's why you'll always hear me referencing it)

don't worry, not everyone you encounter will be so narrowminded about your son. there are actually a lot of really good people out there who can see through "the wierdness" to all of the good qualities, even though we mostly focus on the negative. if they are that ignorant to dismiss you or your son and cannot see that you are good people, they don't really deserve your energy/attention. i know it's easier said than done.

i hope this post made sense. my mind is kind of #$(^$#* jumbled right now. i can't tell if i'm just preaching to the choir. anyway, i hope you feel better.

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Pinker · Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 10:51 pm Post subject:

In volunteering I met a kid who had autism and he was amazing. He made me laugh. It makes me really sad some people would think worse of people with disabilities, especially children. Trust me you're better off.

blue · Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 11:34 am Post subject:

dottie - Thankyou I feel like throwing my hands up too! My major problem at the moment is just controlling my facial expressions so i dont look terrified even when im just walking down the street. Dont ever worry about preaching, i find the only people who make me feel better about social phobia is people who deal with it on a daily basis.
pinker -Its amazing I never would have thought it either, people can be shameful especially were I live its not the best of areas and people are very narrow minded Evil or Very Mad

SmartCat · Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 12:09 pm Post subject:

The biggest problem with us is that our fears are irrational. There is no basis in them, well perhaps a little, but we blow it out of proportion. How to overcome that is a different matter.

I try to imagine what I would think if I saw myself, would I think 'look at the freak' or would I think 'oh he/she looks nervous'? I'd be thinking the later, and maybe some people don't know how to reassure you and therefore they don't always behave appropriately.

I sometimes think that because we don't usually meet peoples eyes when we talk to them some people think we are shifty, or acting weird, but in all honesty you can't change that until you can learn to focus on them rather than whats going on inside our own heads.

I heard a saying which I feel applies to us most aptly and it was this 'we compare our insides to others outsides'. Meaning that we feel that other people can tell exactly what we feel or think when in all honesty they can't. We also assume that because someone seems to have it together that they don't feel insecure or unsure and the reality is that 99% of the population feel insecure from time to time or more often, they just don't always show it.

kuze · Newbie User Joined: Aug 08, 2008 Posts: 77

i get the freak stares alot, and that, half the time is not about sa. I guess people have an urge to stare at something they dont understand or anything that looks weird. My problem compounds, when I do get nervous, I sweat, cant look people in the eye, I could only imagine what people think when they see me. What ive learned from all my incredibly awful life experiences is that the world will be the world, if you have a disadvantage, you have to be able to keep smiling even if u dont feel like it, thats a skill I'm still working on.

lifeswhatyoumakeit · Newbie User Joined: Jul 09, 2008 Posts: 3

Hi Blue,

I read your post and just had to reply....I have read about how to tackle social phobia having many of the same feelings myself. The main thing to remember is that most of what you have said is your thoughts a perceptions - not neccesarily the truth! I have started to challenge the thoughts i have that make me feel bad - and it is starting to work. its not easy but i have been following a very good book - its called "overcoming social anxiety and shyness". I have also had some help by having some CBT therapy and can see light at the end of the tunnel and start to see people as they tend to actually be - generally a pretty harmless and friendly bunch. I wish you luck and hope you seriously consider my advise .