Ok, I think I am going to panic. I'm still adjusting on socializing to my co-workers and now here comes a BIGGER PROBLEM!!!!!!! There will be a company outing at the end of the week and I ABSOLUTELY DON"T WANNA GO THERE!!!!!! what's worse is my co-trainee can't go either because he has a class every Saturday, so I'll be totally out of place!!!!!!! Actually, I said I can't go too but then I have to put it into writing and send valid documents that will support why i can't go to the outing!!!!!!!! (What the heck was that? What if it's a personal reason? How can I get a document about MY REASON????!) I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I JUST DON"T WANNA GO! Am I a jinx???? Why does it have to happen now??? It's like life is playing tricks on me!!!!!!!! MAAAAN! I'M DOOOMED!!!!!!!
I know even before that I will not fit for an adult life!!!!! I want to cry now! I'm so pissed off! I don't hate myself but i hate the world! I hate the society!
I hate everything! I just want to live free!!! I just want to explore LIFE! I want to do it in my own way! I want to learn and discover things by myself!
It feels like I am living in a box. The real me wants to go out in that BOX but this world holds me back!!!!!! I can't do anything but to go with the FLOW because in reality, I'm not in control with myself! All my actions, all my decisions, all my plans should depend on all the people and all the things that are surrounding me right now!
Now I know the reason why in spite of my achievements, compliments, friends and family.... I never felt happy or contented... (although I was thankful). Because what I've been doing since then are the things that I SHOULD do and not I WANT to do. That's why I feel like a machine.... and empty.... and nothing, because I wasn't aware until now that what I'm really searching is the IMPOSSIBLE. It's FREEDOM that I want! Real FREEDOM! Maybe I'm the only person who keeps on whining on this because I see the WORLD in a different perspective. PEOPLE were so used to living like this that's why they're not complaining.... but the only thing that I see is MY LIFE IS A ROUTINE. As a kid I have to STUDY STUDY and STUDY... now that I'm an adult... I have to WORK WORK and WORK!.... Yeah I know I did relax for some time, but whenever I think of the times I've spent for studying and working... it feels like such a great waste of time. I've realized that I've learned more when I'm just EXPLORING.
But well... this is my FATE!!!!!!! This how a HUMAN should live... so as usual... I just have to surrender!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did a very stupid thing today. Not just stupid... I did a crazy thing today out of boredom. I was so bored of myself and my looks, that all of a sudden, I called my sister to give me a haircut. And by the way, she's no hairdresser.
At first she reacted like "Are you serious?" (but what she really meant to say is: "Are you out of your mind?).... But I insisted and I was able to convince her. And so I asked her to cut me a bangs... and so she did and it's not equal in length... so basically, it looks really ugly. But of course I did not blame her because it was my idea.
Anyway, the craziest thing is... I did not really mind. I just said that I'll use a hairpin to hide my bangs. And then I asked my sister to give me a new hairstyle. I told her that I want the upper half of my long hair to be short...and even if she hesitated at first, she still did it. And so now, I have a hair disaster. (But of course, it was all my fault) I know that it might turn out this way but I don't know what's with me today that I just had an impulsive decision to cut my hair. I should have went to the salon. And so now, I have a hair problem... and for hours I thought of a way to cover my ugly hairstyle. Fortunately, I found a solution. The bad thing is, my parents know about this and they were really shocked especially my Dad. (Good thing that they do not know about my bangs because I was wearing a hairband when they saw me... and I have no plan to reveal it
to them!)... and my sister, she's so annoyed and guilty even though I'm not blaming her at all (Anyway, It's not really my hair that bothers her, it's because she failed to do a thing right, this time)
And so from now on.. I have to wear a hairband everyday, use a hair gel and tie my short hair like a braid so no one will notice this ugliness. And yeah... you can call me CRAZY!
I know even before that I will not fit for an adult life!!!!! I want to cry now! I'm so pissed off! I don't hate myself but i hate the world! I hate the society!
I hate everything! I just want to live free!!! I just want to explore LIFE! I want to do it in my own way! I want to learn and discover things by myself!
It feels like I am living in a box. The real me wants to go out in that BOX but this world holds me back!!!!!! I can't do anything but to go with the FLOW because in reality, I'm not in control with myself! All my actions, all my decisions, all my plans should depend on all the people and all the things that are surrounding me right now!
Now I know the reason why in spite of my achievements, compliments, friends and family.... I never felt happy or contented... (although I was thankful). Because what I've been doing since then are the things that I SHOULD do and not I WANT to do. That's why I feel like a machine.... and empty.... and nothing, because I wasn't aware until now that what I'm really searching is the IMPOSSIBLE. It's FREEDOM that I want! Real FREEDOM! Maybe I'm the only person who keeps on whining on this because I see the WORLD in a different perspective. PEOPLE were so used to living like this that's why they're not complaining.... but the only thing that I see is MY LIFE IS A ROUTINE. As a kid I have to STUDY STUDY and STUDY... now that I'm an adult... I have to WORK WORK and WORK!.... Yeah I know I did relax for some time, but whenever I think of the times I've spent for studying and working... it feels like such a great waste of time. I've realized that I've learned more when I'm just EXPLORING.
But well... this is my FATE!!!!!!! This how a HUMAN should live... so as usual... I just have to surrender!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow! I think what you've said here is VERY important! Seriously seriously seriously.
So many people, a lot of adults, live their lives like they're following a PROGRAM. They're just trying to follow things that have been passed down to them from their predecessors.
AND adults police each other, to pressure each other into acting FAKE--and doing things they each don't even really WANT to do.
I want to do things my own way as well!!! But I'm so scared, and I see no encouragement around me to continue on my OWN way. I see no support around me. It seems to me that if I'm going to really do what I as an individual WANT to do, I'll be at risk of being totally alone, and being rejected by most of the people around me. I don't know if this is actually the case?
For a while, I was okay with just doing what I felt I SHOULD do. But, at some point, that became VERY uncomfortable for me. It became scary. And now, it even seems impossible for me sometimes.
When I was little kid, it was nice to express myself however I wanted to. Then it was easier in a sense, because there wasn't really anything I could do that would ruin my life for me.
NOW, as an adult, I don't have the same support that a baby would get. So now, if people see me doing something weird that isn't like what they're used to, they much more easily REJECT me than if I were a baby. They'd have little problem with abandoning me, and not caring what would befall me. They have no reason to appreciate what I WANT to do. I'm not cute to them anymore, and I'm not an "innocent", "harmless", small child to them.
Wow! I think what you've said here is VERY important! Seriously seriously seriously.
So many people, a lot of adults, live their lives like they're following a PROGRAM. They're just trying to follow things that have been passed down to them from their predecessors.
AND adults police each other, to pressure each other into acting FAKE--and doing things they each don't even really WANT to do.
I want to do things my own way as well!!! But I'm so scared, and I see no encouragement around me to continue on my OWN way. I see no support around me. It seems to me that if I'm going to really do what I as an individual WANT to do, I'll be at risk of being totally alone, and being rejected by most of the people around me. I don't know if this is actually the case?
For a while, I was okay with just doing what I felt I SHOULD do. But, at some point, that became VERY uncomfortable for me. It became scary. And now, it even seems impossible for me sometimes.
When I was little kid, it was nice to express myself however I wanted to. Then it was easier in a sense, because there wasn't really anything I could do that would ruin my life for me.
NOW, as an adult, I don't have the same support that a baby would get. So now, if people see me doing something weird that isn't like what they're used to, they much more easily REJECT me than if I were a baby. They'd have little problem with abandoning me, and not caring what would befall me. They have no reason to appreciate what I WANT to do. I'm not cute to them anymore, and I'm not an "innocent", "harmless", small child to them.
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who realizes these things.
Very well said!
facinating reading all of this, be good to have an online diary section of the site
Thank you
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Oct. 27, 2k8
I've been working in the company for a month now and it was my first time to eat in our pantry. Gosh! I'll never eat there again. I only had the courage to eat there this time because I have some newbie co-worker friend to talk to. But then, just entering that room with the many faces of the other co-workers really terrifies me. Anyway, I just tried to chat with the co-worker friend while eating, but actually my appetite was ruined. He even asked me why I'm not familiar with the room and I honestly said that I don't wanna eat in the pantry because I'm a shy person. Oh gosh! He doesn't believe me! Another co-worker friend overheard it and she commented to me like: "Oh really?! You??? a Shy person???!" so she did not believe me either. Anyway, maybe because I'm quite good at hiding it. Because in order to hide my inferiority, I always have this tough, cool girl expression. So basically, I look like a reaaaaal snob!!!! But if they only know that the reason why I don't talk to others, don't look to people's faces is because i am terrified with them!!!!!!! But then I don't want to pretend! I don't want to look unfriendly to others!!! So it's better if I'll avoid entering that room so that they will not misunderstood me.
From now on I'll never ever reveal anything "about me" to all of my friends.
They'll just put me into trouble someday. Even if it's unintentional, even if they think it is just a big joke, it's still a big deal for me. (even though I've managed to act cool and unaffected). Being in a social status is really exhausting for me, I've just put my guard down for a while because they are so nice and then something like this will happen? Oh, stupid me! No one should be blamed here but myself. So I've now decided to keep my mouth shut when it comes to sharing about my own desire, thoughts or opinions.
Yeah they're nice! But it doesn't mean that they can't be a blabbermouth. So now, I'll be extra careful. I promise!!!! I'll keep everything to myself. I'll be back to being mysterious. I'll just tell everything to this site and to my sister.
Today is supposed to be a nice day for me, but I end up at home feeling guilty, sad and disappointed.
For a change, I volunteered to go with my Mom to the orphanage for a church activity. But... I don't know... Upon going to the actual place... I just felt so awkward with all those people.
What's worse is, there's this activity, where everybody should give a hug to the orphan children while they are singing. Everybody went to the "stage" and hugged the children, but I'm one of the few who just stayed on the seat.
It's not because I don't wanna hug them. I just feel so awkward in showing affection to other people. I will feel like a fake if I'll do it. But I also feel guilty because I did not participate on that activity. I was so selfish. It's just a simple act of kindness but I didn't even gave an effort to do that simple act.
What makes it worse for me is the questions that keeps on running in my mind after that scene.
- Will those children think that I am a snob? that I don't like them?
- Will the other church members think that I'm such an arrogant person?
But I'm definitely not that kind of person. I like the children. I do appreciate them. I also want to show them that they are love even without their parents. But I'm just not the type who will express it. All I can do is to smile and give them some gifts.
I feel so bad!
----------------
After that, I went to a friend gathering. All of my old friends are there. I'm also happy that I've seen them. But... I don't know.... there's something wrong that I can't explain.... I can still chat and joke with them... but... It's like in my heart, I'm already distant. Really weird....
And in truth is, I don't feel so comfortable with them anymore. It's like, I've been in another planet for such a long time and I don't know how to bring back the feeling of being at home.
So today, I went home feeling so down. I've realized that I'm not really a "people person". I'll always be a "shadow". ... And that I became a stranger to my old self.
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