neighbors ignore me and I wonder if it hopeless

Number1usjoe · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 05, 2006 Posts: 242

These people aren’t saying hi to me as much as I am not saying anything to them is what I keep telling myself.

It’s a weird limbo to not say anything to whole block for like 8 years. I say hi to direct neighbor lady but only hi and keep walking. Her kids never say a word to me and her husband is very quiet I keep thinking they have judged me as a loser and don’t want to know me not that I have horrible social skills. I really know its both shyness and there judgments at same time.

Ps I am unemployed live at home with mother and am divorced and not a college graduate.

I know allot of this judgment is me judging my self and measuring my life to successful homeowner types.

Should I accept this as how it will always be or can things ever seem normal I feel so ignored and judged.

LittleMissMuffet · Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 3:16 pm Post subject:

I know how you feel.

I think that having social anxiety really does a person's self esteem in.
I was just out on a pity-night-out with my sister and her husband. And I do notice little things in people's attitudes by way of them seeming to see me as a loser. ...It does effect your self-esteem.

I find my self telling my self that people judge badly sometimes but that they do this always because they don't understand who you are and what you are about. ...There is a lot of good in me that a lot of people might miss if they simply judged me by my job and social life. And you know who you are. So when people do judge, tell yourself that people make quick superficial assessments and that these are always unimportant; since when we really get to talk to a person and learn about them we tend to see things from their point of view -when too often we are looking at them from our own point of view; or just judging them based on the outside etc.

I know that it might seem a rose-colored type of attitude, but I feel that I need to remind my self to think this way.

The other thing to try to think of is that people are often pretty insecure themselves -in fact, this is always a big part of judging someone else. And if you recognise is and remind yourself of it, you won't be tricked into thinking that it is just you who is insecure. Even the people who don't say hello to you are probably shy to some extent themselves and not so comfortable around people they don't know; and they don't have such a lot of skill to be able to break the ice themselves.

Anyhow, I know how you feel because I sometimes feel like you do. ...tonight I told my self the above types of thoughts. I need to look after the little reserve of self-esteem that I have. And I figure that I shouldn't waste time on negative judgements that people let slip since I see this as just insecurity and that way I don't feel so bad. Also, these judgements, difficult though they are to sometimes bare, don't hold much water. They don't mean much. ...I'm trying to move forward with my life and this dark period is a change and step that I am going through. Others can label me as a has-been or failure etc, but there is so much more to me and to what I am working towards. ...Anyhow, see people's judgements as little or big weaknesses that they have and step in for them and take over for their weaknesses. Because seeing life in terms of change is what allows a person to develop character which sees them and everyone else through hard times.

I just thought I'd remind you. And hopefully when I am feeling down you may be able to remind me how to look at things.

Kinetik · Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 10:34 pm Post subject:

Muffet has some great advice (as usual). I think it's really hard to maintain (or even establish) feelings of self-worth with SA. The one thing I'd like to add is to always remember that being in the minority is not necessarily a bad thing. All it does is make you different - it doesn't make you less. I struggled with that for a long time. I would always wonder why I was awkward, why I felt impaired with everything and how frustrated I was at being "less" than everyone else. Then I realized that it all depends on what kind of lens you look at things through. What people with SA tend to do is (often erroneously) view their own lives through the eyes of others. I think that's a mistake because we are, simply put, different people. Being different gives us weaknesses (as we all know) but it also gives us strengths. Try and focus on what you're good at. Think about where your talents lie, consider what a good person you are, reflect on anything positive that you've got going for you on a personal level. If you can shift the focus to those things (the things that truly matter), then nobody will care if you live at home and don't have a college education. It's all in the priorities, and if you can highlight the traits that make you great, both to yourself and to others, it wouldn't matter if you lived under a bridge. The simple fact is that there is no such thing as a universal standard, and if you can be at peace with that, you'll be a lot happier.

LittleMissMuffet · Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 6:26 am Post subject:

Number1usjoe · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 05, 2006 Posts: 242

since I started this post I have seen 2 of my neighbors have a hard time selling there home and I think one of them is forclosed and the other one seems to be about to forclose. I figure if that was my family I would be humiliated. I used to think of those families the ones who judged me as a loser.

I consider my home to be pretty secure at the moment and in the end I am better able to survive in this area of town.

I am still a loser compared to homeowner self employeed or college graduate types but in the end I live here and they dont. I dont work and have a peaceful comfortable life and they work there ass of for the same thing. They have huge life threating debt and I dont. If they lose it all they will fall so hard i never had it to lose so I dont have that problem.

I think that over time I have realised that I created the problems I have with avoiding small talk knowing there names and being apart of my block. I can see how it is part my fault. I try to say hi and chat to strangers like bus driver check out person or strangers in public when it seems appropriate. I guess i am practicing social skills so that I am not so isolated. I think if these people know the real story of why I have no job no degree a home or car they would use it to place me in the bottom of higherarchy that everyone makes in all social groups.

I am a photographer and when I deal with people I tell them I am a full time self employed photographer rather then I am on public assistance waiting for disabilty and have extream social problems.

I dont like lieing and keeping up the lie. But when people know my history it never works out well.