Joined: Oct 04, 2004 Posts: 581 Location: New Zealand
Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 1:14 pm Post subject: Depression
Im bloody sick of it, always rearing its ugly head again and again. Socialphobia is one thing, sure it makes my life difficult, damn lonely for one thing, but depression... thats a bloody dark road to walk down.
It aint healthy to have that dark weight on my head every day, sure I can fight it but then Im left so bloody exhausted that I have no energy left to live life, just stay in bed.
Was bedridden by my depression/socialphobia combo for 5 months last year and Im so bloody scared that its gonna hit me again
Im sick of seeing nooses wherever I go and hiding the knives so Im not tempted to hurt myself. Cant even trust myself walking down the friggin road when Im like this cause every part of me seems to be screaming at me to jump in front of the next truck. And all the while I have to pretend to my co-workers and flatmates (who I dont even know) that nothing is wrong
After spending all night feeling phsycially sick from it all and getting no sleep at all I decided to make a doctors appointment. Called every doctor on my side of town... they ALL said they had full patient lists and refused to see anyone who wasnt on their list. So much for the public health system, I cant even get anyone to prescribe me more happy pills
this life thing is just like a broken record... the same lonliness... the same long weekends spent in bed... the same side effects from different medication, none of which ever works anyway... the same hostile stares from any girl I dare to smile at... the same dissapointment when my efforts to make friends fall to peices... the same dark cloud hanging over my head... the same downward spiral
when I was 16 it sucked, when I was 18 it sucked more, when I was 20 I was fed up with but now that Im 22 I REALLY HAVE HAD ENOUGH - whats the point if this is all life has to offer?
do all socialphobics get this? does socialphobia always come hand n hand with depression? or am I just fucked up?
Frustrated Horatio
(who has work tomorrow and wants to sleep but can't)
Socialphobia and depression don't necassarily go hand in hand but SP can be a contirbuting factor to it. The lonliness, the isolation, the feelings of worthlessness, thats going to make anyone depressive. Thankfully I don't get very depressed any more but saying that I am already in a loving relationship so have help on that score but now and then depression does kick in and so I know how hard it must be for you, especially not having someone to share the bad times as well as the good. I'm here to make friends, so if you need one then just send me a message, it might not be the same as having mates to hang out with but I'm always here if any of you really need to whinge, rant, whine...I'll take the bad with the good. Its what friendship is about.
Horatio, you have sucha wicked sense of humour that would really shine in chat rooms, I know I have mentioned chat rooms a lot but it really is a good way for us socialphobes to be ourselves without the hassle of being face to face with someone. Anyways, ya can always mail me...any of you
I THINK SP AND DEPRESSION ARE HAND IN HAND, BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE SOCIALLY AWKWARD, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOBODY LIKES YOU, THEN YOU BECOME DEPRESSED... BEING LEFT OUT....ITS ENOUGH FOR ME TO HANG MYSELF
Quote:
i also try to think that if we're still here there must be a reason for it, a reason to carry on. even if life seems bad, death isn't the answer, it's a way of ending everything, yes, but it means you'll never know if things could have got better.
NOT ME
Last edited by lifesnotfair on Mon Apr 04, 2005 8:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
Joined: Oct 04, 2004 Posts: 581 Location: New Zealand
Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 12:39 pm Post subject:
I guess it makes sense that depression and socialphobia can come in a package
for me I got them both from being bullied at school and they love to play off each other so much that the line between the two gets blurred
eg: When I stuff up a social situation cause of my SP I will bash myself up over it for ages, telling myself over and over how stupid I was, how much of a loser I am, how it will never get better... and before I know it Im seeing nooses in my head again
same thing with lonliness... I dont know if its the depression or SP that causes me to never have any gf and spend all my time alone
argh - it was a lot easier to understand all this when I was the kid at school getting fucked over, I just thought I was a loser then and thats all there was to it, but now with these bloody mental illnesses to try to understand - argh
Joined: Feb 11, 2005 Posts: 223 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 1:35 pm Post subject:
Imagine having a depression so bad that it disables to the point where you don't enjoy anything. where ou can't eat, go to the toilet, get into and out of bed or do anything like that, can't sleep, feel helpless, hopeless, worthless and just want to die every day.. The only thing you can do is read but you get nno enjoyment out of it. now imagine having that for 90% out of 5 years. :sigh: anyway i'm still here but technically I should be dead by suicide already. What keeps me going? A flaw...JUST A FLAW in my personality. My willpower was overwhelmed ages ago.
As for SP and depression, I can say that anxiety and low self-esteem contribute alot. IMagine if you're ill and your immune system is almost worked out!
Now expose yourself a couple of viruses. You're weak and they'll take over much more easier.
ONe thing that is often misunderstood is that most people with depression don't actually want to die, but instead hate living a life of pain and suffering...they just want that to go away
_________________ "Unreality can be as real as reality itself"
I think the depression is worse. Being anxious and on edge is one thing. Feeling like doing nothing, and just wanting to sleep is another. I believe SPs without depression can find gf/bfs easier. But here's the catch 22, we're depressed, can't be screwed doing anything at all, but we want relationships. Relationships require effort and work, which we dread. Hmm.... don't panic.. lol
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